


My Somebody is a Nobody

by duckhyuck



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Drug Use, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Violence, these kids are a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-08 22:02:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 52,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8864830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/duckhyuck/pseuds/duckhyuck
Summary: Lee Taeyong is out there looking for a somebody but all he gets is a nobody.





	1. A.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if I should tag something. I'm unaffected by many things but I know this work is going to be triggering on a bunch of different topics so if you guys could help me make this safer for everyone that would be really great! I hope you enjoy this story!

Lee Taeyong is out there looking for a _somebody_ but all he gets is a _nobody._

It’s fucking cold. His ass nearly freezes the instant he sits down on the concrete steps. He’s used to this by now. The way his parents argue to no end. _Love is a fucking waste of time_ he thinks to himself. He flicks his lighter but the flame gets snuffed out from the chill immediately. _This lighter is a fucking waste of time too._ The cold starts getting to him and he regrets not grabbing more than a sweater. It’s unusual but he finally surrenders to the temperature and decides to head back in. He pockets his lighter, rises to his feet and pats the dust off his butt. Taking a deep breath he hops up onto the railing. He attaches himself onto the pole that connects the porch to the roof and makes his way up onto the shingled area. He crawls up the slant to his bedroom window and hauls the frame of it upward. Slinking into his room and landing safely on the carpeted floor.

His room is warm and he lets out a contented sigh as the feeling in his hands, ears, and nose and of course his butt, come back to him. He lets himself flop onto his bed like a star fish and buries his face in his pillow. Maybe just maybe he’ll suffocate himself with it one day. Not right now though, he has to check on his younger brother first.

He shuffles out of his room and dips into the room beside his. He quietly shuts the door behind him and walks towards the small lump on the bed. “Mark.” He whispers softly. He lies down next to the little boy brushing the hair from his eyes. The eight year olds cheeks are damp with tears.

“Hyung.” It’s a soft whine and the smaller reaches out and grasps at Taeyong’s shirt. The voices from downstairs haven’t seized their bickering and Mark’s grip tightens.

Taeyong trembles as tears slip from the corner’s of his eyes. “Marky I’m so sorry.” He barely gets his words out. He forces himself to keep his sobs at bay. “I’m so so sorry; I’ll be a better big brother I promise. I’m sorry.” He pulls the younger closer to his chest. He hates the way he is, how his anxiety makes him forget all about Mark. How ready his body is to flee, leaving the younger behind. It’s so tough but it’s just as tough for Mark. He knows in this life time alone there is nothing Taeyong can do to make it up to Mark when he walks out.

The sniffled replies of, _it’s okay hyung_ and _it’s hard for you too right,_ makes Taeyong’s body tremble even more. He’s the biggest asshole in the world but Marks still loves him.

 

Morning comes when the top of Mark’s head bops Taeyong’s chin. Mark giggles as Taeyong stirs. The elder gives a sheepish grin and ruffles the hair of the smaller. “Mom and dad aren’t home.” The younger says slyly. “Will you...” Mark gives a pleading look at Taeyong “...will you make pancakes?”

Taeyong smiles a real smile for change, “Yeah buddy, I’ll make some pancakes.”

 

~~

 

“Taeyong, you know you can always come to my house and you’re more than welcome to bring Mark.” Johnny places his coffee mug down on the counter.

Taeyong groans and rubs his forehead. “I wish it was that easy but if I took Mark out of the house my parents would call the cops on me for kidnapping or some shit. They’d blame my depression for my “psychotic” actions. I also can’t just leave Mark. It’s bad enough that I walk out on him for ten or fifteen minutes.” Taeyong swirled the liquid in his mug.

“Fuck, this is so fucking stupid. Where is Mark anyway?” Johnny takes a sip of his coffee.

“I dropped him off at a friend’s. Parents are both working today so I snuck him out this once. They’ll put my head on the chopping block if they find out anyway.”

“I don’t think that’s very fair to Mark. He’ll be upset if you get in trouble because of him.”

“I know, I know, it’s just, he’s got be a kid at some point right? I don’t want him living in this hole twenty-four seven.”

“Touché.”

Taeyong dumps the rest of his drink down the sink. He thanks Johnny for coming over and walks him out. He’s lucky he still has Johnny, his only friend from high school. He’s also another person who he owes a lot to. He indefinitely wouldn’t be around right now if it weren’t for Johnny.

 

~~

 

_“Taeyong? Fuck! Taeyong!” Johnny slams the bathroom stall door open. He keeps screaming Taeyong’s name and he’s frantically pulling Taeyong’s face out of the clogged toilet bowl._

_See, Taeyong thought it would be a brilliant idea, clog the toilet, flush it to fill it with water and then drown himself in it. Although, he did not account for the kid he’s doing an English project with to barge in and pull him from death._

_Taeyong is jerked back into Johnny. He coughs and hacks up water over the stall floor while Johnny gently pats his back._

_“Taeyong, what the actual fuck.” Johnny whispers. There are tears streaming down his face as he pulls Taeyong into his side._

_Taeyong feels sick looking at the other, why couldn’t he have just died. Now his miserable attempts at killing himself has caused another person to be upset because of him. Tears prick his eyes. “I’m sorry.” It’s barely audible but his throat burns so much from the toilet water._

_“Taeyong why? Why would you...” Johnny is still rubbing gently at his back._

_Taeyong looks up at Johnny’s face again and sees the amount of distress and sadness in his expression. He breaks. What does he really have left to lose? “I’m gay.” He chokes on his sobs. He’s praying that Johnny will turn against him and dunk his head back in the toilet. He doesn’t. He just keeps rubbing his back and pulls him a little closer._

_“That’s okay Taeyong. That’s okay. I’ll keep you safe just don’t pull this again. Promise me?”_

_Taeyong doesn’t want to. He wants Johnny to get fucking lost. He doesn’t want his fucking help and support, he wants to fucking die. Taeyong nods his head though causing Johnny to release a contained sigh._

 

~~

 

“Fucking piece of shit, you little bitch.”

Jaehyun receives another blow to his face right against his nose. He can feel the warmth from the blood beginning to seep from it. He lets out a whine and he jostles his arms attempting to break free from the hold the other two men have on him.

“You’re a fucking loser like your father. Your old man can’t give me my money and you can’t even take a couple hits. Absolutely fucking pathetic.” The man spits on the ground and wipes a bit of blood off his knuckles on his pants. He pushes up his sleeve and gets ready for another wind up.

Jaehyun‘s body slumps within the hold. He can’t and won’t win. He very much knows this so he makes his body pliant to all the future punches. It’s better if he goes into shock anyway, then the pain goes away faster, even if it’s just for a little bit.

Once the men have done their damage, Jaehyun’s body is thrown down into the puddle riddled alley way. What did they get out of beating Jaehyun? Not his father’s drug money that’s for sure.

Jaehyun glances down at the blood soaking into his yellow uniform jacket. He has a lot of cleaning to do, he thinks, and then he slips away.


	2. B.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyah! This story has gotten a pretty good response so far and for that I'm really grateful! I'll put the ages out there right now so people know that neither of the boys are minors in this fic, Jaehyun is 19, (his age doesn't match up to highschool age but you'll see why in the fic) and Taeyong is 20.
> 
> Thank you seriously for the comments and kudos, it means a lot <3

"Shit." Taeyong breathes. He wasn't expecting his parents to be home so soon. He'll have a lot of explaining to do as to why he and Mark are walking in through the door at six o'clock together. He's under strict rule that Mark is to stay inside at all times. Taeyong isn't allowed to bring him anywhere but school, since it's the only place where they can legitimately account for Mark’s attendance. Their parents think Taeyong is a bad influence, that Mark will catch this disease called depression from him. It's all fucking bullshit. The real problem is them taking all their anger out on their own kids.  
  
Mark yanks lightly on Taeyong's hand that's enclosed around his own. "Mama and papa are going to be mad at you aren't they?"  
  
Taeyong sighs, he wants to tell Mark it'll be alright but the younger has already perceived this much that it’d be a losing fight. "Yeah, it's okay, as long as you had fun today, right?" Taeyong tries his best to smile.  
  
Mark smiles too but it fades quickly. "I did, Donghyuk is a good friend and his mom makes really good homemade pizzas. But hyung you're going to be in so much trouble because of me." Mark starts hiccupping. Tears are welling up in his sockets but he's desperately trying to be brave in front of the older.  
  
Taeyong's trying his best too. "Hey, shhh.” Taeyong kneels down to the height of his brother and puts a hand on his shoulder. "I’m going to be fine and so are you. I know it’s been hard these last few years but I promise we’re going to be okay.”  
  
Mark falls into his brother’s warm embrace. “Tae...I’m scared.”

“I know.  I’m sorry Mark.”

“Hyung, are you scared too?” Mark pulls back slightly to look the older in the eye.

Taeyong can’t bring himself to say yes. He can’t do that to Mark. He’s done enough damage hasn’t he? For once he needs to be the strong admirable older brother but why the fuck can’t he? Why can’t he do this, why does he wish so badly that he was the eight year old. He can’t do this he just fucking can’t. “I... Mark—

“Hyung, it’s okay.” Mark leans forward and places a soft kiss to his brother’s cheek. “It’s okay to be scared too. You do too much. You’re a good brother.”

Taeyong breathes in a shaky breath and pulls Mark into another hug. “You’re a good brother too Mark. Promise me when we go inside you go straight to your room, okay?”

“Okay.”  
  
They walk in through the front door and Taeyong quietly pushes Mark up the stairs before meeting his parents in the kitchen.  
  
"Where the fuck have you been?" His dad says casually.  
  
"I was picking Mark up from a friend’s house." Taeyong looks only at the floor but he can feel his mother and father's gazes setting him on fire.   
  
"Are you a fucking idiot? Do you know how close we were to calling the cops?" His mother shouts and she folds her arms.  
  
"I―I'm sorry." Taeyong tries but as always it's useless.  
  
"Fuck, Taeyong, you know the rules. How are we supposed to know if you’re putting Mark in danger or not? Hm?” His father snaps.  
  
Taeyong feels the salty warmth of tears spill down his cheeks. "Why do you still think of me this way?”

“Taeyong you’re unwell. You know we’re just thinking of the best for you two.” His mother tries but it only substitutes Taeyong’s sadness with rage.

“What the actual fuck. No really, do you even hear yourself?” Taeyong thinks he should stop himself but he’s so sick so damn sick of everything. “Never once have you ever fucking considered my feelings. You think I’m some fucking monster. You can’t even see that I’m this way because of you guys. Oh and don’t even get me started with that Mark bullshit. You two have never given a single fuck about Mark, have you ever even looked at him and told him you loved him?”  
  
A hand comes hard across Taeyong's cheek and he stumbles backwards. He kind of expected that to come.

“Fuck you.” His father growls. “How dare you talk that way to us.”

Taeyong feels the sting on his cheek but it only edges him further. He meets his parent’s heated gazes with his own. “You know I’m fucking right. You’re just using my depression as cover up to be control freaks. Face it, you don’t fucking care about me, the only reason I’m here is so someone will actually take care of Mark. Other than that you would have kicked my ass out as soon as I was legal.” Taeyong’s tears hit the tiles of the kitchen. “You don’t love me but you could probably tell Mark you love him and then you’ll have at least one son whose well.” Taeyong’s shoulders shake. “I’m not a monster,” he whispers before turning on his heel and dashing out of the house.  


Taeyong runs. He hasn't a single clue as to where he's going. What he does know is that he needs to be anywhere but home. _What the fuck was that Taeyong? Just going and spilling that to your parents. Look at yourself, absolutely pathetic. You’ve also run out on Mark again. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic._  
  
His face feels numb. His hot tears turn to ice in the winter wind and his cheek burns from the slap. He has some idea of where he’s going now as he passes his old elementary school. There’s a couple alleyways he used to hide in as a kid when was bullied. He can escape the cold in them and in this moment he guesses that’s all he needs.

He reaches town (fifteen minutes from his house) and he stumbles into one of the alleys. He collapses onto the ground and his back smacks against the brick building behind him. His head jerks up and he tries to catch his breath. He curls his knees into himself as he gazes at the world above him. He sees all the stars and their shining light. They look so dazzling. He lets out a small whimper before breaking down again. The noises of the city swallow his sobs. He reaches into his pocket fishing for his cell phone while rubbing the snot from his nose. He lets it clatter to the ground when he realizes it’s dead. _That’s that I guess...I shouldn’t be calling Johnny to bail me out of my own problems anyway_.

He contemplates the world for a couple minutes then decides he’ll try and sneak back into the house like a coward _._ He slips his phone back into his pocket and he’s about to get up but an abrupt noise echoes in the alley. Taeyong stiffens and his chest constricts. It’s a cough and a sputter. Sounds like a person choking or someone who can’t find their breath. Taeyong manoeuvres around a dumpster that was a little ways down the alley. The sound comes from the other side of it.

 

~~

 

Jaehyun hears the clatter of a person falling into the alleyway. _Wonderful, another fucking drunk._ He keeps still, they won’t find me behind this thing, I’ll be fine and by fine he means “no one is gonna help me and I can waste away peacefully.”

He believes everything will work out in the end until it occurs to him that the person on the other side of the dumpster is balling his eyes out. _Good location choice, no one can hear shit around here._ Normally he’d be ticked off at another man’s tears, because fuck that’s weak but there’s something about the others sobs that makes his chest hurt.

The sobbing is wretched and it seems like it’s never going to end. His brain says _what a fucking loser_ but his heart says _oh yeah just take a look at your fucking self buddy._ Jaehyun laughs and that was a really bad idea because he starts coughing and can’t stop. The sobs had quieted down a few moments ago so he’s praying the person has already left.

He had not.

A boy cautiously pokes his head around the corner of the dumpster and his eyes instantly connect with Jaehyun’s. Jaehyun observes the boy up and down when he comes a little closer. He’s shorter than him, slim, though his arms are toned. He catches a full glimpse of the boy’s face when car headlights illuminate the alley. Silver hair, a sharp jaw and hazel but very hollow eyes. Beautiful.

“Are you alright?” The other boy cautions, his voice is hoarse.

Jaehyun’s weak but he strains himself to speak. “I could ask you the same thing.”

The boy averts his eyes and looks down almost as if he were ashamed. “Can I help you?” His voice is less hoarse but more timid this time.

“Don’t, leave me and go.” Jaehyun’s voice startles the other boy and he thinks it won’t take a lot for this boy to run.

 

~~

 

Taeyong is looking down at this boy in his old high schools uniform. He’s questioning the boy’s sanity. Why would he want him to leave? Then he has that strikingly vivid memory of dunking his face into the toilet bowl and Johnny pulling him free. Then he remembers those past feelings he felt, how badly he wanted to be left alone to drown. How terribly bad he wanted to shake Johnny and tell him to fuck off _._ This boy, does he feel this way too?

The younger’s eyes are glazing over and Taeyong realizes he’s losing him to the cold. _No, no, no._ Suddenly he knows why Johnny did what he did. He can’t watch someone die right in front of him. One, that’ll fuck him right up. Two, isn’t it almost the same as murder. He doesn’t have a whole lot of time to judge the boy’s situation but he’s pretty sure that this isn’t the kind of end the boy wants. So for once in his life he’ll be the _Johnny._

“I’m sorry and I may vaguely understand you but I can’t leave you here.” Taeyong gives a pleading look hoping the boy will cooperate.

The high school student sighs. He digs into his pocket and types a note. It’s an address and he hands it over to Taeyong.

 Taeyong eyes it over, he knows the place. It’s a couple minutes from here close to Johnny’s. He looks at the younger and the dullness in his eyes is thick and then they close completely. Taeyong wants to panic but he knows right now is not the time. He carefully picks the boy up, bridal style, there’s no complaint from the other so he begins walking the back ways. The main roads would drag too much attention to them anyway.

 

~~

 

Jaehyun feels his body being lifted and there’s nothing he can do. He’s so cold and his eyelids feel heavy. The stranger’s arms are warm and welcoming and his head knocks softly against his chest. _Jung Jaehyun you are so fucking pathetic. Look at you, fucking wasting some person’s time. You don’t deserve their help. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic._  

 

~~

 

Mark heard everything. The yells, Taeyong’s desperation and the loud slam of the door as Taeyong ran out. He had run to his window in time to see his brother sprint down the street. He knew well enough that tonight Taeyong wouldn’t be coming back. He looks up at the night sky and asks God to keep his brother safe.

He climbs into his bed but it feels too cold. His toes are frozen and shivers and chills shoot through his small body. He throws the covers away and climbs back out of bed. He steps out into the hallway and hears his mother’s sobs. After hearing tonight’s conversation he doesn’t feel sad for his mom. He’s angry instead. He sinks away into the bedroom beside his. He hops up onto Taeyong’s bed and curls himself into the blankets.

It’s warm and soft and it smells like his brother and it’s enough to get him through the night.


	3. C.

Taeyong huffs out a heavy breath. The boy was becoming heavy in his arms. The stranger was pretty slim but their height made carrying them much more difficult. _What am I doing? I should've left when I heard him cough. Ahh you're not that kind of person Taeyong. Wait are you? No. Maybe?_

Taeyong puts his thoughts to rest when he comes up to a two story complex. It's the address on the phone; the problem is Taeyong doesn't know what floor or number to go to. He stumbles in through the glass doors. There's a horizontal hallway a little ways in front of him and to his side a set of stairs that lead to another hallway. About five rooms on each floor Taeyong guesses. He'd ask the stranger in his arms on where to go but the boy is out cold. _Wonderful._

 

As Taeyong is about to give up and lay the boy down on the main bench a door to a room abruptly opens. An older lady staggers out with her recycling bin. She shuffles for the entrance, and gives Taeyong, no, the boy a dirty look. She stops at the door before giving a half glance back at the two.

 

"Upstairs, make a right, door at the end....that's where that piece of shit dwells." The lady croaks and she continues on her way out the door with her recycling.

 

Taeyong hesitates before recollecting the boy in his arms. _Piece of shit?_ _What have I really gotten myself into?_ He hauls the younger up the stairs and follows his new directions. Taeyong tries the door knob but it's locked _. Lord don't make me look like a bad person when I do this_. He lays the high school student down on the ground and cautiously reaches into his left pant pocket _. Nothing_. He checks the right and pulls out a silver house key. _Good_. He tries it on the door and it swings open with a painfully loud creek. He reaches down a lifts the boy, he walks forward and kicks the door shut with his heel.

 

There's a lamp already on so Taeyong doesn't need to search for a light. The apartment is tiny; the bathroom is immediately to the right followed by the kitchen. There's a small living area furnished with a couch and coffee table. Taeyong places the taller onto the couch, there does appear to be a bedroom off to the side but it really isn't any of his business to enter. He's already practically broken in. He lets the boy's head fall gently against the couch cushion. 

 

Taeyong isn't really sure what to do at this point. Clean him up? Warm him up? How would he even do that? Taeyong lets out a frustrated sigh. He sees the dried blood on the boy’s upper lip and he decides cleaning him up would be the most respectable thing to do. He rises to his feet and sneaks his way to the bathroom. There's a small face cloth on the wall rack and he grabs it and runs it under some warm water.

 

He makes his way back to the boy’s side and crouches down onto his knees. He gently wipes the blood from his upper lip then moves to dab at the cuts on his cheek and eyebrow. With the blood on his face cleaned Taeyong’s eyes nervously trail to his jacket. There are soaking areas of red on the prim yellow uniform _. Is this my job? Is this considered assault? What the fuck do I do?_ Taeyong runs a hand through his hair _. Fuck okay; just make sure he doesn't have deep wounds or anything. Then we're good_. His internal debate resides and Taeyong hovers a hand over the jacket before pealing it open. He carefully slides the boy’s arms from the sleeves and discards the jacket to the side for now. He rolls the boy's stained shirt up to his collarbone. There are a couple shallow cuts. _Jesus Christ are these knife cuts? Okay not the main concern right now Taeyong focus_. He runs his fingers lightly over the other's bruised ribs. There are a couple of unnatural bumps and each time he grazes one there's an uncomfortable puff of breath escaping the boy. _I can't do this_. Taeyong feels sick, his head starts spinning. _What do I do? I'm not a doctor! I can't do this! Why am I even here?_ _Mark’s probably worried sick and I’m in some stranger’s apartment._

 

He has one idea but he’s not sure if it’ll work. He’ll try anyway. Taeyong gets up, leaving the boy’s side. He slips out of the apartment and stumbles down the stairs. He searches for the door that old lady had come from. He rushes to it and knocks quickly on the wooden panel. Just like the boy's door, it opens with a long and unsettling creek. 

 

The lady refuses to open it all the way as soon as she sees Taeyong's face. "Get lost I'm not helping you, let alone that useless fuck."

 

"Wait!" Taeyong shoves his foot in the way of the closing door and releases a whimper of pain. "Please, I don't even know him. He didn’t even want my help in the first place. Please even if you just call a doctor or something." Taeyong's expression is begging.

 

The lady sighs. "Go, I'll be there in a couple minutes."

 

Taeyong relaxes his tensed muscles and nods whispering a quick thank you. 

 

He climbs the stairs for a second time and walks back into the apartment. The boy still hasn't shown any signs of waking and he's bitterly cold to the touch. It worries him. 

 

Fifteen minutes later the lady walks in with a small box. Taeyong assumes there to be some medical stuff in it. It's not really what Taeyong was expecting. He was thinking she was probably just gonna walk in take one look and call an ambulance. But shit she looks like she’s gonna patch him up herself. And shit she does!

 

She disinfects the cuts Taeyong had wiped the blood from and she feels around his ribs. Only one bone is slightly out of place and she carefully pushes it into place. There’s a whimper from the boy’s mouth. It’s strained and it pulls at Taeyong’s heart. He doesn’t like to see anyone hurt it brings the feeling of vomit to the back of his throat. _I’m so weak._

 

“Aunty, you’re a badass.” Taeyong whispers when the lady finishes her work.

 

She scoffs. “Damn right.” She gives a small smile to Taeyong. “He won’t hurt like fuck when he wakes up I gave him some painkillers. Turns out he can chew back anything even unconscious. So boy, are you one of his fuck buddies?”

 

Taeyong’s jaw drops. He’s at a loss for words. “Um wh—wait sorry?”

 

“Hmm guess not then... anyway tell him he owes me a meal.” The lady packs her box up and makes her way to the door.

 

“Ughh...of course.” Taeyong’s still a little startled from her previous question.

 

The door shuts with a soft click and the lady’s footsteps can be heard she descends the stairs. Taeyong exhales a breath he’d been holding.  He pulls his phone out of his pocket and immediately remembers its dead so he throws it on the low coffee table in front of him. He leans back against the base of the couch at the end where the other boy’s feet are. It’s a moment of complete peace after the commotion that had just ensued. The soft glow of the moon leaks in through the window. It casts light onto the areas not reached by the small lamp. _Lee Taeyong, you did the right thing. Don’t second guess yourself. It’ll all be fine and soon you can go home to Mark._

A grunt interrupts Taeyong’s thoughts. Taeyong turns his head and sees the boy moving to sit up.

 

“Hey! Woah wait!” Taeyong rushes to his feet and puts a gentle hand on the boy’s shoulder, pushing him slowly down so he’s on his back again. “Please. You’re ribs are bruised pretty badly, don’t hurt yourself more.”

 

The boy seems a little taken aback. There’s a glint of confusion that crosses his eyes as if he isn’t sure how he is to respond to concern coming from another. 

 

 

~~

 

Jaehyun knows he’s been hurt worse. He’s been stabbed in the calf, and has had his share of broken arms but this gentle touch. It’s so calming, so warm; it makes every cell in his body willing to comply with new instructions. Whatever this man in front of him tells him to do he surely will and it’s terrifying. _Jaehyun stop this. What the fuck does he care? Sit the fuck up, don’t look so weak._

 

Jaehyun flinches slightly, his abrupt thoughts overwhelming him. It causes the older boy to pull back and apologize.

 

“It’s whatever. I’m fine.” Jaehyun mumbles. The other just nods his head.

 

“Umm...the aunty downstairs, she asked for a meal. She’s the one who patched you up.” The boy bites his bottom lip.

 

 _He shows his nervousness shamelessly, interesting._ “Yeah I kind of figured.”

 

“She doesn’t seem to like you that much...”

 

“Yeah, apparently I’m too loud when I suck dick. Not my fault I have to pay rent. Besides half the time it’s the asshole stuffing my face yelling.”

 

The boy with silver hair chokes and his face dusts with a dull pink.

 

 _What the fuck Jaehyun! Fuck, admitting shit like that out loud!_ “Hey, is there a chance she gave me painkillers?”

 

“Um, I believe she did before she left. Why are you in a lot of pain?” The man seems alarmed with worry now.

 

“Oh no it’s just I tend to run my mouth a lot when I’m banged up and on drugs.” Jaehyun pinches the bridge of his nose. _Fucking explaining yourself to him? Really? You don’t owe him anything Jaehyun, don’t get him involved. Don’t do shit that brings people closer._

 

~~

 

Taeyong giggles. _This boy is odd, interesting but very odd._  “Hmm I see. If it makes you feel any better...” Taeyong hesitates but once again _what does he have to lose?_ “I prefer dick too. In my mouth? I’m not sure yet.” He laughs at his own words. _When have you ever felt this free to talk like this Taeyong? How dare you act so casually with a stranger but act like a stranger with family?_ Taeyong casts his eyes downwards, he feels awkward waiting for a response from the other.

 

The boy smirks, the quirk of his lip catches Taeyong’s gaze. “Interesting.” He whispers. The he motions to sit up. Taeyong doesn’t stop him this time. The boy continues moving and he eventually settles down next to Taeyong on the floor. Both of their backs rest against the base of the couch.

 

Taeyong doesn’t know what to do but he turns his head towards the boy beside him.

 

~~

 

 _Jung Jaehyun do not fucking do it. Stay away from him. Stop listening to your heart and listen to me._ Jaehyun internally reels over his thoughts. _Just let me do this once, let me ask just this once. It’s not like I’ll see him again._ His mind settles.

 

They’ve been staring at each other for a brief moment but the silence has yet to make things weird. Jaehyun eyes the man’s face up and down. It’s as beautiful as what he had seen in the alleyway. He certainly didn’t dream up his looks when he was unconscious. There’s but only one unsettling factor in his appearance. The dark purple and red of a blooming bruise spreading high on his cheek bone. Mindlessly Jaehyun’s hand wanders to the bruise. The tips of his fingers ghost over it and shivers come trembling from the other boy. “You’re cheek?”

 

“I should go.” He says to Jaehyun softly. Jaehyun pulls his hand away. “Please feel better soon.”

 

Just like that the man is gone. Jaehyun never got to thank him but it’s not like he would have. _I didn’t want to be saved. Fuck that guy. Right? I wanted to die, right? Yeah...I did._


	4. D.

Jaehyun sits silently. The distant click of the complex's door echoes in his head. His mind praises him for making the nameless boy leave but his chest aches for his presence. _You can't have anyone Jaehyun, you deserve no one!_ Jaehyun lets out a sigh as if he were saying to himself _I guess you're right._  
  
His eyes scan the room aimlessly. There was a dull ache creeping into his ribs, eventually becoming a suffocating squeeze of pain. He curses, wishing the lady had left more pain killers. _What even happened last night? Fucking hell, dad can’t even pay his own suppliers anymore. Lets them come after his fucking son for money like he’s gotten any? Get beat up just so he can be a loser like him? How nice._

Jaehyun glances over at his coffee table. There’s a phone, it’s the same model as his but with a red case. His phone doesn’t have a case so that can only mean one thing. It’s not his...but...the strangers! He reaches out and grabs it clicking the power button. He feels defeat when the display lights up with the flashing image of a drained battery.  
  
Jaehyun lets out a grunt of annoyance. He climbs to his feet and digs between the couch cushions, retrieving his phone charger. He shuffles towards the outlet in the kitchen. He clicks it in the port and plugs the phone in. He folds his arms and slumps onto the counter; he's tired just from the brief moment of movement. _Do I go back to the couch? Or wait for the phone to turn on? If I go to the couch I won't make it back to it till morning... I guess that's fine. No rush right?_  
  
Jaehyun brings an arm around his waist as he walks back slowly. He bends down to grab the blanket beside the couch. Pain overcomes him and retreats in his actions.  _Fine I’ll just fucking freeze to death._ He stumbles around and then falls ungracefully and painfully onto the sofa. Jaehyun curls in on himself. The pain in his ribs spreads to his chest and the onset of a headache creeps in his skull. _Don’t fucking dillydally. Give it to him and return home once you wake up. You can’t waste any more of his time. It’s your entire fault. Your fault. No one else’s, all yours..._

Jaehyun pinches the bridge of his noise, his thoughts won’t seize. “SHUT UP!” He cries out and his mind shuts off. “Just shut up.” He hiccups and he strains to keep his eyes dry. “Just let me sleep for once...just shut up.”  His body shook from the pain and the cold but suppressing his tears tires him out.

He falls asleep conflicted. Unsure as to why a part of him is so cruel. Unsure as to how long he has until that cruelness consumes the small but sweet child within him.

 

~~

 

Taeyong rushes out of the complex. _Oh God Taeyong what was that?_ He picks up his pace even though he’s in no rush to be home. _What time is it?_ It has to be around four in the morning now. He spent quite a while at that boy’s apartment; it didn’t really feel like it though. His feet keep moving him forward through the chill of night.

Taeyong doesn’t have time to think of the repercussions from earlier in the night. Not when he’s already back on the frigid porch he hates so much. He jiggles the door handle, _locked damn it._ He resorts to his only way in, through his window.

He climbs the railing, up the pole and makes his way along the shingled roof. When he reaches the window his movement stops. He peers inside and his eyes catch Mark’s figure lying in his bed. He pulls his trembling hands in against his chest and he lets out a sob. He can’t even think. Just the image of Mark curled in his sheets. Just the thought of his younger brother aching for his older brother’s presence is enough to bring Taeyong’s self hatred to an overflow.

Taeyong clambers back down to the porch where he curls into a ball against the house. His sobs wreck though him. _Why do I keep doing this? Why must I put Mark through hell? I don’t deserve to cry, I don’t deserve a damn thing._

Taeyong sobs and sobs and he’s afraid he’ll wake the neighbors, or worse, his parents. What he doesn’t expect is the little angel himself to come pattering down the stairs to unlock the front door.

Taeyong looks up at Mark. He thought for sure that he’d cried every last tear but Mark proved him wrong. One look and he was a wailing mess all over again. Mark pulled apart Taeyong’s arms and curled into him so that they were both sitting on the porch floor. Taeyong sobbed onto the top of Mark’s head. Mark bit his lip keeping himself together with everything he had left in him.

“Hyung, I kept your bed warm for you.”

 

~~

 

Jaehyun woke up to same clenching pain he fell asleep with. Although, the first thing on his mind was anything but. _The phone!_ He sat up and felt a wave of dizziness. Still he anchored himself completely upright and trudged over to where the device was charging.

When he opened the device he was surprised to find it wasn’t locked. _Fuck I’m a lucky guy._ He went into the contacts. There wasn’t a house phone number but there was one contact. _Johnny Boy? Who the hell...guess I’ll have to call him._ Jaehyun presses the contact and the phone rings awaiting the other line to pick up. _Wait what the fuck are you even going to say?_ The ringing stops and a male voice comes through.

_“Hello, Taeyong?”_

“Uh ah...no this isn’t him...”

_“OH GOD is everything alright? Who is this?”_

“Ah no no, it’s all good! I’m just, calling cause this was the only contact in the phone and...he left it at my place.”

_“Taeyong left his phone at your place—wait what, this isn’t making sense. What’s your name?”_

“Um...Jaehyun?”

_“You don’t sound confident and I definitely know Taeyong doesn’t know a Jaehyun.”_

“Aha ughhh...I can explain. Um this guy helped me out last night. He brought me back to my place and he left his phone on the counter. I was just hoping to return it back to him.”

_“Okay, odd for him to do something like that but I don’t really have time to think. I’d pick the phone up myself but I’m really held up right now. I’ll text you the address. Leave the phone on the porch of the house, don’t knock or anything. I’ll call Taeyong and let him know about this.”_

“Okay I’ll do just that...thank you.” Jaehyun ended the call and took a deep breath. _What the fuck was that about? Don’t knock..._

The ding of an incoming text pulled him from his thoughts. Jaehyun glared down at the screen, reading the address over twice before putting the phone down. _Alright just do what that Johnny guy said. Put it on the porch and walk away. Basically what I had planed anyway. No need to see the other. Wait...Taeyong! That’s his name._ Jaehyun chuckles; he says it out loud to himself. He thinks he really likes the name. _Wait stop that! Don’t fucking laugh, you moron. Just fucking get going and get back. You have other problems do deal with._

Just like that Jaehyun’s mood went back to being dull, the now named stranger only giving him a brief moment of contentment. His mind just loves to remind him of all the reasons to frown again.

He pulls a new shirt on and his letterman jacket. It was black and gold, his school colours. He played basketball in his first year of school, bought the jacket and never played again. He got too caught up in all of the business outside of school.

 He pockets a pack of cigarettes and house key. He takes one last glance at the address on the phone and then pockets it too.

 

~~

 

Taeyong wakes up to another morning with Mark snuggling tightly against his chest. He rubs the younger’s back softly. _Mark if only you knew how ashamed I am of myself._

Regretfully he rises out of bed and watches as his brother searches for the lost warmth. Taeyong leanes down and gives a light peck to his forehead. _Why do you wait for me Mark, you know you shouldn’t. Why can’t you just hate me? My apologies should mean nothing._

He tiptoes out of the room. His parents would be home. They’d be leaving for work soon but nonetheless he’d face them regardless.

“And so he finally decides to show his face once again.”

Taeyong swallows nervously. His father speaks but refuses to look at him.

“One week.” Taeyong’s father says sharply. “You will not leave this house for one week as punishment for your actions. As for Mark, he’ll walk to school in the cold, which won’t be much fun. Maybe then he’ll realize his older brother is a useless fuck.”

Taeyong wants to scream but nothing comes. His throat dries and his emotions fall flat. _Punishment accepted. I deserve it. Not because of what I said to you two but for what I’ve done to Mark._

His parents who had yet to look at him say nothing as Taeyong retreats back to his room. He falls back into bed with Mark. He has an hour to let the smaller sleep. Then he’ll get him ready for school and tell him to walk on his own because he’s the loser that can’t stay in line.

“Oh God Mark, I’m the worst.


	5. E.

Taeyong awakens an hour later to a phone call. He removes himself from Mark's hold and heads to the kitchen for the phone. He unhooks the phone off the wall and greets the other side with a _hello_.  
  
_"Taeyong, its Johnny, what did you do last night? I got a weird call and I'm concerned."_  
  
"Johnny? What call? What are you talking about?”  
  
_"Some guy called me a couple minutes ago telling me he had your phone. He said you helped him out. Taeyong what's going on?"_  
  
"I ugh...Johnny I don't even know." Taeyong sighs and slumps against the wall. "I could tell you everything but I still wouldn't have an answer as to why I did what I did."  
  
_"Okay okay. Taeyong, I just want to make sure you're alright and promise me when I get the chance to come over you'll tell me everything that happened. I'm dying over here; I can't stay in the dark for long."_ Johnny's voice is pleading.   
  
"I know, I understand and I will tell you everything. I promise I'm alright, nothing bad happened to me. I'm grateful for your concern Johnny...I really am."  
__  
"You know I won't ever stop caring about you Tae but I do have to mention that I sent your address to your phone so that guy can drop it off. I made sure to tell him to leave it on the porch. I think my voice was stern enough to keep him from doing anything else. Sorry I couldn't get it myself I'm just...busy with some things...sorry."  
  
"Ah don't worry about it Johnny, you do too much. I'll be home all day anyway, I'll wait for him to come and drop it off. Thank you Johnny."  
__  
"Your welcome, I'll catch you later Tae, gotta go."  
  
"Alright, I'll talk to you later." Taeyong clicked the phone back into place. He glanced at the clock on the stove. Eight thirty in the morning. He has thirty minutes to get Mark ready and out the door before school starts at nine fifteen. He yawns and rubs the sleep from his eyes. He’s running on like three hours of sleep, since he woke up early to greet his parents. _I'll sleep after I get my phone back I guess. Wasn't my phone dead though? How'd he get in touch with Johnny? I guess it doesn’t really matter. You don’t have to see him again; he’s just leaving it on the porch right?_  
  
Taeyong heads back to his room to wake Mark.

"Marky~" Taeyong nudged the smaller boy’s shoulder gently. "It’s time to get ready for school."  
  
"Hyung?" The younger croaked. Small sniffles came from his nose. "Hyung I'm cold."  
  
Taeyong puts the back of his hand against Mark’s forehead. It’s burning hot. Taeyong's heart drops when Mark opens his eyes and they begin to water. 

“I don’t feel good. My tummy hurts.” The younger clutches his stomach and brings his knees to his chest in the process.

 _Oh what the fuck do I do now? He has to go to school. If mom and dad see he’s marked absent I’ll be killed for not sending him. What the fuck do I do? Oh God._ Taeyong’s breathing increases. _He’s sick because he sat in the cold last night. My fucking fault once again god dammit!_ He’s looking everywhere, the panic captures his focus.

“Hyung its okay, I can go.” Mark whispers as if he knew Taeyong’s predicament. “I’ll be okay.” Mark slowly moves onto his knees.

“Mark I can’t send you like this. Mom and dad won’t let me walk with you. I mean it’s my fault but I can’t do this to you as well.” Taeyong grabbed the smaller lightly by the shoulders.

“Tae hyung, it’s really okay I promise.”

_No Mark this is beyond not okay. Why can’t you just fight me? Yell at me. Tell me I’m an asshole for causing you to go when you’re sick. Tell me a fucking loser. Call me out for what I really am. Don’t be this kind, it hurts me so much. Why can’t I be good for you?_

“Mark I—” Taeyong’s voice gets caught in his throat.

“Hyung it is one day. I can manage. My teacher is kind; I’ll tell her I feel unwell. Donghyuk will stay inside for recess with me, I won’t be lonely. It’s all okay!” Mark gives a bright smile.

With a sigh and a string of apologies Taeyong reluctantly gets Mark ready for school. He buttons the little one’s jacket and places his back pack on his shoulders. Taeyong gives a kiss to Mark’s forehead before speaking.

“Promise me you’ll get the office to call mom or dad at work if you need to come home. It’s the only way they’ll let you come back. I’m sorry I can’t—

“Hyung stop.” Mark took Taeyong’s face in his hands. “It’s not your fault. I understand. Now sleep hyung. You look as bad as I feel.” Mark giggles.

Taeyong internally curses. His brother shouldn’t care so much about him when he’s worse off.

“Bye bye Tae.” Mark took the step down off the porch and made his way down the street. Taeyong watched him the whole way.

 

~~

 _Isn’t it too early to bother someone? Nah we have to get this done with anyway. We also aren’t bothering, we’re following instructions._ Jaehyun picked up the pace. His high school was near the guy’s house so he had a pretty solid idea as to where he was going.

In another couple minutes he had reached his desired location. The house was run down, a couple shingles missing from the roof but from what he could see inside it looked cozier than his apartment. _Jaehyun what are you waiting for? Put the phone down and go._ Jaehyun kept his feet planted on the stranger’s porch. Should he still be called a stranger? No this is _Taeyong’s_ porch.

There wasn’t any movement from inside from what he could see but he has this bizarre determination. A kind of courage to go against all the walls he has built inside of himself. This wild and raging desire to do something a little out of character, _to do something he wanted to do for once._

Jaehyun backs off the porch and glances up to the window on the second floor. There was slight movement, of a thin figure. He could scarcely make out wisps of strikingly white hair as well. _Bingo!_

Jaehyun carefully makes his way to the railing. He climbs slowly to avoid aggravating his injuries. Conquering the pole to the roof was the most painful but in the end worth it. He slides up the slanted roof to the window. He peers in and sees that the figure has retreated to lying down on a bed.

 _What the fuck are you doing Jaehyun?_ “What I want.” He whispers to himself before giving two knocks to the clear glass.

The figure (Taeyong) turns his face towards the glass, screams, stumbles around and accidentally rolls off his bed. He’s clutching part of the bed covers as he pops up and puts his back against the wall.

Jaehyun just stares before full on laughing.

“What the entire fuck.” The boy mouths through the glass. It only edges Jaehyun’s laughter further.

Jaehyun pulls the frame of the window up but doesn’t climb in. His laughter calms down. “Hi ugh sorry, you forgot this.” He looks down at his pocket and digs around for the phone. He pulls it out and smiles from his mouth to his eyes.

“My God, you were supposed to just leave it on the porch. Why the fuck are you on my roof.”

“Yeah I was totally going to listen to your ah...friend? ...Yeah I was going to listen to his advice but as you can see.” Jaehyun looks around himself. “I kind of did not follow instructions. This is weird isn’t it?” The boy just stares at Jaehyun. It’s a little unnerving and he’s kind of regretting his actions. “I’m sorry, I can go...

“No!” The boy shouts and he seems to ~~regret~~ become embarrassed at his outburst. “I’m ugh— Taeyong, my name is Taeyong... I mean— are you feeling better?” The boy slaps his forehead after stuttering his way through those words. Jaehyun usually gets annoyed when people can’t spit out the things they want to say. Taeyong’s stutters don’t bother him though. _Interesting..._

“Well Taeyong, thanks to you I’ve escaped a bitter end, but my ribs could be better.” Jaehyun hops in through the window and sits on the ledge of it. He extends his arm with the hand holding the phone outwards towards Taeyong. “My name is Jaehyun.”

Taeyong walks over to the boy and takes his phone. “Sorry to leave it at your place...Jaehyun. You really should be resting now not be sitting on my roof. How did you even climb up?” Taeyong’s face expresses an abundance of concern.

“I’m tougher than you think!” Jaehyun playfully slaps his own chest. “Only chumps take days off.”

Taeyong gives him a look that suggest that he’s seen enough of Jaehyun’s body from last night to know that he’s full of bullshit. “Well if you’re so well, why aren’t you at school?” It’s not like Taeyong is really in a position to ask this guy but he’s curious.

“Good question, an answer for another time maybe?” _Yeah right Jaehyun! You can’t see him again. So stop, you’ve done enough damage Jaehyun, leave._ “Cigarette?” _JAEHYUN!_

Taeyong gives Jaehyun this incredulous look. He watches as the white haired boy looks around nervously as if he’s going to get scolded for being asked. When he meets Jaehyun’s eyes again he says almost inaudibly “Sure.”

Taeyong takes the lit smoke from the other’s hand and he goes to sit on the edge of the bed. He gestures at Jaehyun to sit on the floor.

Jaehyun slips off the ledge and into the room, he pulls the window down slightly so the cold air doesn’t come in, in greater volumes but smoke can still escape. He lights himself a smoke and places it in between his chapped lips.

They sit silently but it isn’t awkward. There isn’t much for them to say. They’ve crossed internal boundaries that they once though were impenetrable. There next moves are uncertain. It’s just a lot of thinking. Both of them are asking themselves similar questions. _How did this happen? Did I just let this person into my life? Should I push them out? I can’t take on someone else while my life is like this. They don’t deserve that. Why do I still want to know more about them even though my mind tells me no? Why? Did this happen for a reason? Is it worth it?_

Jaehyun looks at Taeyong. He sees the way his white strands fall messily over his eyes. The way the chill in the room brings a nice rose to the tips of his ears and how the dark colours under his eyes are gravitating. The way Taeyong drags the cigarette from his lips only to put it back has Jaehyun’s heart hammering in his chest. _Fuck, I think this might be worth it._ “Want a second contact for your phone?”

Taeyong looks up at Jaehyun, he thinks the younger is joking but his face is dead serious. _Fuck it, this could be worth it._ Taeyong tosses his phone at the younger and has it returned to him with a new contact.


	6. F.

Jaehyun had left Taeyong’s room shortly after the contact exchange. He left with a quick salute and his last words being _see you later!_ Taeyong just responded with a nod. He then butted out his cigarette, closed his window and went down for a nap.

 

~~

 

Taeyong wakes up with a pounding headache and the lingering smell of smoke. It’s very unpleasant and his cold body is covered in sweat. Nothing new to him, he’s never felt one hundred percent alright. He rolls out of bed and undresses himself. He makes his way to the washroom and faces the mirror. He observes his naked body from the waste up, seeing absolutely nothing he likes he huffs out a breath. He moves towards the shower and turns the tap on to a warm setting. He gives it a few moments to heat up before taking a step in and drawing the curtain.

For a few moments Taeyong stands under the steady stream of water. When his legs begin to tire he sinks down onto his butt and pulls his legs into his chest. He rests his head on the tops of his knees and breathes out lengthily. He lets the water pounding his back strip him of any troubling thoughts and during this moment he just simply _is what he is._

The water begins to turn cold and Taeyong begrudgingly rises to his feet, turning the shower off. He draws the curtain back again and steps out. He towel dries his body and leaves the dampened linen hung up in the washroom. No one is home to see him exposed anyway so he walks back to his room letting cooler air hit his body. He hasn’t got much of a clothing collection. One, his parents won’t buy anything for him and two, his job is part time and most of the money he’s saving is for emergencies or Mark. Sometimes he gets nice hand downs from Johnny, when they were back in high school Johnny would grow out of his clothes quick so he’d just give them right over to Taeyong. Just one of the many reasons Taeyong is so grateful for the other. He pulls on a pair of dark jeans that fit him nicely and a plain white shirt. It’s cold in the house so he throws his grey hoodie on as well.

His room still smells of the cigarette smoke, if his parents catch the scent he’ll be punished for sure. Not like it matters to him anyway. Many things weren’t mattering to him lately and he was getting scared that one day he would dismiss everything all together. It takes a lot for Taeyong to believe that he’s a caring person, that the things that matter to him he holds so preciously. Mark conveys it to Taeyong the best. His small words and actions can make the older feel like he’s doing something right. It’s just that Mark is also the reason Taeyong feels like he’s doing everything wrong. Mark matters a shit ton to him but lately he’s positive he hasn’t taken care of him the way he should. _What a fucking confliction._ He has so many damn doubts.

He’s been trying to forget since he’s left. Though he finds that if Mark isn’t occupying his thoughts its Jaehyun that is. He moves towards the window in his room. He runs the tips of his fingers over the window’s ledge. _I want to know..._ Taeyong takes in a shaky breath. _I want to know more about you._ The image of Jaehyun sitting on the ledge plays back in his mind. Was it just my imagination or d _id you seem eager to know about me too?_

 

~~

 

Jaehyun walks back home; he clutches his jacket, holding it tighter against his body to defend himself from the cold. He’s fighting with himself again. _You need to leave him out of your life. You don’t deserve him, you don’t need a friend. What would happen if he got caught up in all of this drug business? Or, how could you explain to your regulars you don’t want them around if you end up getting in too deep with Taeyong? This is a losing fight Jaehyun; you’re going to stop this right now. You DON’T want to know him, you CAN’T associate any further and you WILL end this._

“I don’t need a friend.” Jaehyun whines under his breath. “I don’t need Taeyong.” The ache in his chest says otherwise.

 

~~

 

Mark can barely make it through the day. Every time he moves in his seat he feels nauseous. He asks the teacher to be excused for the bathroom. When he enters the stall he lets out the contents of his stomach into the toilet. The strain forms tears in his eyes and he wipes his mouth with toilet paper. The acidic taste in the back of his throat doesn’t feel very good but the relief in his stomach is wonderful. He sits for a few moments on the cold surface of the bathroom floor.

It’s a quiet few moments, just the sound of Mark’s slightly laboured breathing can be heard. That is until the washroom door squeaks open. The soft patting of sneakers growing closer to Mark’s stall.

“Mark hyung?” Comes a voice, Mark knows it all too well. It’s followed by a gentle knock on the locked stall door.

“Donghyuk?” Marks replies, his throat is dry so it comes out hoarse.

“Hyung are you alright? You didn’t look well today...I want to make sure you’re okay.”

Mark feels an overwhelming sense of gratitude. He’s never ever had a best friend, not until Donghyuk came into the picture. It was like heaven for Mark when the younger stepped foot in his class. Donghyuk was a year ahead of the kids his own age. They first spoke to each other earlier in the school year when they were paired up for an assignment. Mark is pretty perceptive so he picked up quickly that Donghyuk was terrible with social cues. It made other kids uncomfortable but to Mark it didn’t make a difference. Donghyuk caught on that for once someone was treating him the way he wanted to be treated and just like that they became inseparable.

“You were very still in class. Usually you shake your leg or fidget. Today you didn’t. Why not?” Donghyuk was shit with conversing but damn he certainly paid close attention to habits of others.

Mark flushed the toilet and turned to unlock his stall door. “Thanks for worrying Hyukkie. I’m okay though.”

“Hyung I’m not sure if I’m supposed to believe you. You look really pale and your knees were on the floor when I came in but you’re telling me your fine. I’m just—” Donghyuk tried to think. Nothing was adding up. Mark was definitely sick but he was saying he was fine and it didn’t make sense.

“Ahh Hyukkie, it’s okay really. Nothing to worry about, I promise.” Mark really didn’t mean to confuse the other he was just so use to not wanting to burden others. He’d have to explain to Donghyuk later that it’s just what he does. He makes a quick mental note to himself to just be straight up with Donghyuk, it’d cause for a lot less confusion.

Donghyuk’s eyebrows furrowed in frustration but he trusted Mark. He caught on that this was one of those I’ll explain later situations. So for now he just lent his hand out to Mark.

Donghyuk didn’t like to be touched but Mark knew it was okay for him if Donghyuk was the one initiating contact. He took Donghyuk’s hand and they walked back to class together. Donghyuk stayed closer to Mark the whole day. His words weren’t working for him because he was thinking too much so he showed Mark support with his actions instead. He knew the other could tell he was trying his best.

The way these two acted you wouldn’t even guess them to be seven and eight years old.

 

~~

 

Jaehyun was pushed down onto his knees. This was one of the reasons he had to leave Taeyong’s presence quicker than what he really wanted to. He had a regular scheduled in for a time at his place. His main problem was that the guy has a pretty bad temper, unless Jaehyun cooperates perfectly. Which is why he had to dash from Taeyong’s to make it back with a couple minutes to spare.

Jaehyun prefers not to get beat up so he follows orders. He falls to his knees and opens his mouth. This is what he _knows_ he’s good at; ever since he turned eighteen he’s been selling his body for quick money. So when the guy thrusts into his mouth fast and hard he takes it diligently. He lets the guy call him whatever he wants. _Whore_ and _slut_ are just two favourite words of this guy’s vocabulary. Jaehyun stays still and takes it all knowing he’ll get an extra tip if he places his hands behind his back.

It hurts, Jaehyun won’t deny that. His knees are aching on the hard floor. His eyes water, his throat burns and his head spins. He doesn’t realize when he does it but suddenly the pain goes away and he’s imagining the man in front of him is Taeyong. In the heat of the moment he can’t take the illusion of the white haired boy away from himself.  Just the thought of the older being the one doing this to him has his body thrumming with pleasant sensations.

The thrusts become erratic and the after math spills into Jaehyun’s mouth. There is a rushed re-buckling of a belt and cash is thrown onto his table. Jaehyun is still on the floor, he swallows and he hears his door shut. He’s still hard and half mindedly in his fantasy world. So he strokes himself off to the thought of Taeyong. When reaches his climax he stiffens. His mind clears and he looks at his sticky hand. _Did I just...FUCK._ Jaehyun jumps to his feet and runs to the bathroom. He scrubs his hands hard trying to wash away the damage but what he did can’t be undone and he knows that.

He’s angry. This doesn’t help the fact that he _doesn’t_ want to have Taeyong. _Oh fuck it Jaehyun, can I really keep forcing myself to deny it. So maybe I fucking want him._ Yeah Jaehyun definitely wants him, he’s known it the whole fucking time but it’s just that he doesn’t want him like this. This is dirty and Taeyong exuded innocence when he met with him in the morning. Jaehyun just feels disgusted and ashamed.

 _There’s no going back is there? You win. You can have him; you just have to get what you want. You’ll ruin his life like you’ve ruined yours. You’re an asshole Jaehyun._ Jaehyun’s body fills with rage. He’s pissed off at himself because he can never just listen to his original thoughts. He has to fuck things up. He punches the mirror in front of him and it cracks slightly.

He hates himself. He hates the world. He hates how he ruins things. He hates how he knows he’s going to ruin something but does it anyway. He hates that he’s interested in Taeyong. He hates it because for once he wants this to be normal. But this was never normal. Not since he was found half dead in an alleyway by the other. My God he hates everything _but Taeyong._


	7. G.

Taeyong receives a text a little later in the day. It’s from Johnny of course. The older informs him that he’ll be out of town for two weeks. His dad is unwell so he’s going to help his mother out. He also tells Taeyong that if there’s an emergency he won’t hesitate to comeback.

Taeyong laughs at the last part. It’s just like Johnny to drop everything going on his life to help Taeyong with his own. Taeyong won’t dare bother him this time though. Not when Johnny’s family needs him most. Taeyong replies back, avoiding the info about Mark being unwell. That would just cause for worry on Johnny’s side. He sends back _“Me and Mark will be good! Take good care of Ms. Seo and give her a hug for me. Your dad’s a strong guy he’ll get better quickly! See you soon!”_

Johnny replies quickly with “ _Love you Tae, you’re the best! My mom’s going to want a real hug from you someday, next time on better terms lets visit her together! See you soon!”_

He pockets his phone and flops back on his bed. Mark would be home soon. He’s praying that the smaller had made it through the day alright. Taeyong knows better though, Mark will come home and cover the day up with a smile and a warm hello. He never wants to burden Taeyong. _He couldn’t because I’m the real burden._

As if on cue, Taeyong hears the unlocking of the front door and small foot patters on tile. Taeyong rushes down the stairs to greet his brother. “Mark are you alr—

Mark stands still in front of him, there’s a rip in his pants and deep scrape carved on the skin of his knee.

“Mark what happened?” Taeyong shouts and he drops to his knees in front of the other.

“I’m okay hyung, just a little dizzy. The side walk was icy too. It was a bad combination of everything. I’m okay though.” Mark plays the pain off with a weak laugh.

Taeyong looks up into the younger’s eyes. “Don’t lie to me Mark. I know you’re hurting.” Taeyong wants to stop himself, there’s tears welling up in the smaller one’s eyes. He hates when Mark cries but this is his chance to tell Mark what he needs to hear.

“You need to tell me when something is wrong. Tell hyung when you’re hurt, when you’re scared, when you’re upset. Please, please, please Mark, I want to help you so bad. You’re not a burden Mark; let hyung take care of you. Let me take care of you the way you take care of me, okay?”

Mark begins to full out sob. He’s too young for any of this. He shouldn’t have to act like an adult. Taeyong’s words only serve to remind him that he deserves to be the child he is. That it’s okay to whine and cry sometimes. It’s okay to make mistakes. Most importantly it’s okay to go to his brother with his problems instead of dealing solely with everyone else’s.

Mark collapses into Taeyong. His whines and cries pierce the silence of the house.

Taeyong doesn’t have to bite the bottom of his lip this time. He meant every word he said. In this moment he strives to be the strongest he can be, _and he is._

“Let’s get you cleaned up. As for school tomorrow, I’ll work something out with mom and dad.” Taeyong strips the younger of his school bag, hat, scarf, mittens and coat. He carries the younger upstairs and to the bathroom. He places him on top of the bathroom counter.

Mark takes off his uniform pants carefully so the fabric doesn’t move against his wound. He then folds them neatly, placing them to the side.

Taeyong retrieves the disinfectant and a cloth. He has to make do with what little they have. “Take a deep breath okay buddy.” Taeyong douses a portion of the cloth in the clear liquid. “You know what to do right?”

Mark nods his head. He grips the edge of the counter tightly and begins to hum. It’s a small tune he and Taeyong had put together for fun one day. His hums fall into whimpers when Taeyong wipes at the wound.

“Hang in there.” Taeyong stiffens his wrist, begging his hand to wipe gentler. With a couple more strokes the scrape is clean. He rinses the cloth out in the sink and hangs it up on the towel rack. Then he wraps the knee in gauze, since none of their band aids are wide enough. Once done wrapping it he picks Mark up in his arms and grabs the younger’s pants as well. “I’ll stitch them up tonight.” He whispers in Mark’s ear.

Taeyong brings the both of them to his own room. He lays Mark down and observes the bags under the younger’s eyes. _My God Mark this isn’t good._ Taeyong places the back of his hand on Mark’s forehead, it’s still burning hot. _Shit._ “Let’s get you into your pajamas for now. Mom and dad should be home soon.” Taeyong keeps confident in his words. _Fuck, I don’t think they’ll deny Mark’s sick but will they do anything about it. Johnny isn’t home to take us to the hospital and mom and dad won’t let me have the car. I also can’t leave the house anyway. Shit._

Mark changes into the pajamas Taeyong brings back from his room. Taeyong tucks him under the covers and gives his common gesture of a kiss to the forehead. _It’s okay, we’ll be okay._

When Mark rolls over onto his side Taeyong lightly rubs his back. Taeyong notices the evening out of the younger’s breath and he too somewhat relaxes.

There’s a good hour of just Mark sleeping and Taeyong resting beside him peacefully. Then their mother comes in through the front door. Taeyong leaves Mark’s side to greet her. He’s hoping that she’ll listen to what he has to say if it’s about Mark.

“Mom—

“Don’t start with me Taeyong I’m not in the mood.” She hastily throws her purse on the kitchen table.

“Mom please its Mark, he’s sick.” Taeyong pleads and he strides over, closer to her.

Taeyong’s mom whips around on her heel. “Stop right there.” She comes up to Taeyong and inhales through her nose. “Have you been fucking smoking?”

“I—mom please Mark—

“I did not raise you to be this way! What has become of you! Always running off now, smoking, Taeyong what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Mom—

“That’s quite enough.” She snaps her finger in the direction of the stairs.

Taeyong’s shoulders slump and he carries himself back up the stairs. As if his mom’s response was bad enough. Taeyong was not expecting his father to barge into the house a mess. From half away up the stairs he can smell the alcohol off him. It’s never a good sign because when he drinks he _really_ does damage.

 _Fucking perfect, what now? He must have had problems at work._ He scampers up the stairs quietly. He hasn’t got a clue as to what to do but he knows Mark is going to need attention for his illness. His drunk of a father and bitch of a mother aren’t supplying him with great options to begin with so he’s going to have to wing it.

He walks into his room and pulls a back pack from his closet and stuffs it with clothes. He heads over to Mark’s room and stuffs it with the younger’s clothes as well. He zips the main part up and unzips a smaller pouch in the front. He grabs money from the top drawer in his room and puts it in the pouch.

He crawls onto his bed and nudges his brother awake. “Hey Markie.” He didn’t want to wake the younger but there wouldn’t be any escaping from his room’s window and he needed the other to dress up in his coat before leaving. “Something’s up with mom and dad tonight, it’s not good. We’re going to have to step out for a bit, is that okay?”

Mark rubs his small eyes and nods tiredly.

“Okay, I just need you to do two things. One, when we go down stairs put your coat and everything on and two stay very quiet.” Mark nods again in response. Taeyong grabs his hand guides him out of bed.

The two of them make their way quietly down the steps. Taeyong opens the front closest slowly. He puts his coat on and slings his back pack on. He does the zipper up on Mark’s coat and adjusts his scarf. Everything is going well until _oh fuck its dad._

“Where the fuck are you two going?”

Taeyong swallows thickly, no answer is going to be good enough and not when his dad is like this.

“I didn’t say you could leave. Especially not with Mark.” His voice is slurred and the empty bottle in his hand is a reminder to Taeyong to not say anything dumb.

Turns out saying nothing at all isn’t any good either. His father’s patience rips into rage and he raises the hand with the empty bottle and marches his way towards the two.

Taeyong scrambles to put himself in between Mark and his father. When he does the bottle cracks down on the side of his head. Shards hit the tiles and scatter everywhere. Taeyong yelps in pain and brings his hands forward to push his father away.

Mark screams and tugs at Taeyong’s coat.

Their father stumbles around and Taeyong takes it to his advantage. He scoops up Mark and hurriedly gets them out of the house.

The cold hits both their faces instantly but Taeyong is determined to get themselves somewhere safe. He knows he’s escaped from his parents calling the cops. They’d be stupid to when his father’s in such a state. That’s one good thing he doesn’t have to worry about.

Usually when he runs out he goes to Johnny’s but the other isn’t in town and he very much knows that. It’s only now that Taeyong realizes that he _did_ have a plan. He _did_ know where he was going because he only ever had one single option.

 

~~

 

 _I don’t know how to fucking cook, what the fuck am I doing?_ Jaehyun puts the spatula down. There’s pancake batter everywhere. _I swore this was the one thing I could make. Are these even edible?_ Jaehyun unties the cooking apron he has on and throws it onto the counter. _Guess I’ll make do with what I’ve got._ He brings the “pancakes” to the couch with him. He seats himself comfortably only to be assaulted with an abrupt knocking at his door.

Jaehyun sighs and tosses his plate onto the coffee table. _That aunty, I swear she never knows when to give up._

He unlocks the door and swings it open. _I don’t remember aunty wearing sneakers like those..._ Jaehyun looks up. “Taeyong?”  


	8. H.

Jaehyun gazes up into Taeyong's eyes. They're glazed over, liquid threatening to spill. There's dried blood pasted on his forehead. The source of it is unknown to Jaehyun but he's very shocked to say the least.  
  
"Could we come in for a moment?" Taeyong whispers. The strain in his voice is thick.  
  
Jaehyun, still in shock, hesitates for a brief moment before responding. "Yeah, yes of course." Jaehyun hurriedly invites Taeyong and Mark inside.  
  
Taeyong isn't even three feet inside when he starts rambling apologies. "I'm sorry, we won't be long, I promise. It’s just, Johnny, who you talked to isn't home so I didn’t have anywhere to go, I'm so sorry―  
  
"Hey! Hey! Slow down okay." Jaehyun rests a hand on Taeyong's free shoulder; the other Mark is clinging to. "Just, take a breath, okay. This isn't a problem okay. For now come in and at least let’s clean up your forehead. Talk when you get comfortable okay?" Jaehyun doesn't speak with much emotion so he's scared his concern won't be evident even though he is very much so.  
  
Taeyong lets one tear slip from his eye. Not from pain, no. Just relief. He rushes to wipe it away and distracts Jaehyun from the tear by bringing up the boy in his arms. "This is my brother by the way, his name is Mark. Is it alright if he stays here too?"  
  
"No Taeyong I'm gonna kick your brother out." Jaehyun gives a playful smile "I'm kidding, he's welcome as well. Is he alright though?"  Jaehyun's smile fades as he catches a glimpse of the young one's face.    
  
"He's sick." Taeyong whispers.  
  
Jaehyun sees the re-glazing of Taeyong's eyes and decides that the talking should stop and he should probably settle the two in instead.  
  
"Okay, I'll talk to the aunty downstairs later for him, let's just settle for now." Jaehyun rubs Taeyong's shoulder then guides them to the living area.

“We can lay him on the couch for now, he’s sleeping right?” Jaehyun asks.

Taeyong nods and gently places his brother on the cushions. He also takes his backpack off and puts in on the floor out of the way.

“I’ll get him a blanket so you can take his coat and stuff off.” Jaehyun disappears into a room in search of one of his old quilts.

~

Taeyong folds up Mark’s coat, hat and scarf. He takes his boots off as well and he brings them to the front of the apartment. There was a light layer of snow outside so he left it there to dry off. When he walks back he sees the high school student gently draping a baby blue quilt over Mark. In response to the sight there is an ever-growing fondness in Taeyong’s chest and an overwhelming sense of safety. He feels so warm.

~

Jaehyun gives a very light pat to the small boy’s hair before turning back over to Taeyong. “I know it’s hard and you want to help him right away but come to my bathroom first and get the blood cleaned up.”

Taeyong took in a deep breath. “Okay.” He sighed.

Jaehyun guides the older to the washroom and sits him down on the ledge of the bathtub. As he moves to get a cloth from his drawer his eyes catch the cracked mirror. _Really Jaehyun? Not the appropriate time to remember that episode._ There’s a feeling of awkwardness and guilt wallowing in the pit of Jaehyun’s gut as that whole evening replays through his mind. He takes the film in his mind and disposes of it _not the time for this Jaehyun, get it together._

He dips the cloth under warm water and moves back over to Taeyong.

Both of them hesitate.

Then Jaehyun takes a seat down on the ledge beside the elder. _Do I ask him? “_ Is it alright if I... Jaehyun struggles to spit out what he wants to say. There’s still that asshole in his mind fighting him. It’s tells him to hand the cloth over to Taeyong, let the older fix himself up. _But nobody gets closer by doing that..._

Jaehyun’s cheeks feel warm. _What the fuck. Am I embarrassed?_ He swallows thickly and tries to look back at Taeyong’s face.

The elder is smiling at him, it’s obvious he’s witnessed the growing blush on the younger’s face. “It’s alright. You can do it for me.”

~

Taeyong moves his body to straddle the ledge of the tub. Jaehyun follows him in action so it’s easier for both of them. _How absurd._ Taeyong thinks. Johnny and Mark have only ever been the one’s allowed to touch him freely. He knows it’s because their touches are guaranteed to be gentle, loving and warm. But here he is baring his forehead for a guy he’s known for less than a week.

Maybe it’s because all he can think about was the way Jaehyun had touched his cheek. It was that night when he’d helped Jaehyun out. It was that night that he learned that regardless of the other’s rough hands Jaehyun’s touch was like silk. Did he want to feel more? _Yes._ Was his heart thumping in anticipation? _Absolutely._

~

Jaehyun didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Taeyong raised his fringe away from his forehead. All the air escaped his lungs when he saw the blood smeared majorly on the right side of his head. It trailed in past his hairline as well.

Jaehyun brought the cloth up and began wiping what he could see immediately first. It was difficult working with just one hand, he wanted to hold the other’s face with his other one but damn it. Taeyong was just driving the innocence out of Jaehyun’s locked heart. He was too god damn embarrassed to do it.

As if Taeyong could read his mind the elder spoke out. “How old are you?”

Jaehyun brought his eyes back down to the other’s gaze. “I’m nineteen.”

A light chuckle came from Taeyong. “Then you’re allowed to do this.” He brought Jaehyun’s inactive hand to his jaw so Jaehyun was cupping Taeyong’s face.

Jaehyun’s mouth was parted slightly; he was dazzled by the closed lip smile on Taeyong’s face and his straight forwardness. _How dare you be so putty-like in his hands. If you want him at least be fucking cool Jaehyun._

Taeyong giggled at Jaehyun’s stillness. It died down again when Jaehyun went back to work.

This time it was much easier to wipe the blood away. He held Taeyong’s head still and occasionally tilted it for a better angle.

They stayed quiet but Jaehyun was dying to ask. He was just so afraid that the other would run again if he did so.

For the second time tonight Taeyong read the younger’s mind. “You can ask, I won’t run. I owe it to you to at least explain something.”

Jaehyun hummed and kept working away. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Just answer me this.” Jaehyun brought the hand on Taeyong’s jaw to the healing bruise on the elder’s cheek bone. “Was this caused by the same person who cut your head?”  He rubbed over the wound carefully with his thumb.

Jaehyun watched as Taeyong’s eyes fluttered shut. If it was time that Taeyong needed, he would gladly give it to him.

A moment passes and Taeyong speaks weakly. “Yes.”  

Jaehyun doesn’t expect him to but he does continue. “My dad— Taeyong’s voice cracks—he ...he...

Jaehyun puts his index finger over Taeyong’s lips. He shushes him quietly. “That’s okay. That’s enough for me. You don’t have to, not right now.”

Taeyong’s eyes squeeze shut even tighter.

 Jaehyun drops the used cloth in the tub, he’s done removing the all the dried blood. With his newly freed hand he fixes Taeyong’s hair back to normal. His fingers trace through the smooth locks of white. The finger on Taeyong’s lips move to catch a tear from Taeyong’s eye.

Jaehyun knows this feeling all too well. He understands how badly Taeyong wants to cry but he also knows that the elder is desperately trying to remain calm especially for his brother. Jaehyun’s been living every waking moment wanting to bawl his eyes out but worse than Taeyong he’s too damn stubborn and emotionally hardened. That wasn’t his fault though. He didn’t ask to be rid of expression.

Taeyong calms down and attempts to talk. “I’m so sorry. This must be so fucking awkward. We don’t even know each other well. I also should have called. Oh god I’m sorry.”

Jaehyun finds Taeyong’s rambling tolerable. Much more so than his classmates that’s for sure. Actually ninety percent of the things Jaehyun hates Taeyong does. He doesn’t hate it when it’s Taeyong though.

Jaehyun shushes the elder once again. “If all it takes for you to stop apologizing is to get to know each other than...

Jaehyun looks down at his feet. _WHY IS IT SO HARD TO TALK TO HIM?_ “Then is it okay to do so? Can we learn about each other?” Jaehyun brings his hands back into his lap and rubs them together waiting for a response.

He hears a laugh and looks up.

“Yeah. There’s been a part of me that’s wanted that for a while now. Is that weird?” Taeyong asks.

“Not at all.” Jaehyun smiles. _I’ve wanted it too._


	9. I.

“Taeyong—hyung?” Mark’s small face appeared at the entrance of the bathroom. The younger was clenching the blue quilt tightly around his body. His face was still very pale and his hair was disheveled.

“Mark!” Taeyong swings his leg on the inside of the tub over and out. He walks over to him and kneels down at his height. “How are you feeling buddy?” He rubs Mark’s shoulders soothingly.

“Everything hurts hyung.” Mark’s body wobbles back and forth slightly.

“Okay, okay lets lay back down for now buddy.” Taeyong collects his brother in his arms and walks swiftly back to the couch.

Jaehyun follows shortly after. “Hey I think it might be a good idea if you’re the one to ask the aunty downstairs instead of me.” Jaehyun shifts on his feet. “She seems to like you more and if she knows it’s a kid then she’ll definitely help out.”

Taeyong looks at Jaehyun and then back at Mark.

“I can watch him until you get back. It’s not a problem.” Jaehyun comes over to crouch beside Taeyong and the couch. He gives a small wave to Mark. “I’m Jaehyun.” He whispers and gives his signature dimple-filled smile. He doesn’t use it often because it’s never sincere but he likes the way it makes others smile too. It’s successful and he catches both Taeyong and Mark smiling back at him.

“I’m Mark.” The youngest calls softly. “Is this your blanket?” He tugs at the blue blanket in question.

Jaehyun hums and nods his head.

“It’s very warm.” Mark plays with the hem of the fabric.

“Glad you think so.” Jaehyun replies. _Weird kid. Just like his brother._

After observing all of this Taeyong can’t quite believe how quickly his nerves had been calmed. _I can do it. I can leave; Mark will be here with Jaehyun. It’ll be fine. This isn’t like leaving all those other times._

Taeyong brushes a strand of hair from Mark’s eyes.

“Hyung are _you_ okay? Dad did he—” The sentence falls short, it’s a topic not normally discussed between the two. Mark just places the rest of his sincerity in his gaze.

“You know I am buddy, don’t worry about me.” _In the end Mark’s always going to be like this. Isn’t he?_ “Are you okay to stay with Jaehyun for a moment? He’s a good guy I promise.” Taeyong glances over at Jaehyun.

Jaehyun gives an affirmative nod to Mark to ensure Taeyong’s words are true.

Mark nods; his eyelids fall heavy and sleep stresses to take over him once again.

“I’ll be back soon.” Taeyong rises to his feet and Jaehyun walks him over to the door.

“Jaehyun, how do you know she’ll be so willing to help?” Taeyong’s uneasiness creeps into his tone of voice. It’s easy to remember the way she seemed so against helping the last time.

“Trust me, she’s a retired nurse. She worked in the children’s ward. Just don’t mention me and you’re A okay.”

Taeyong receives a reassuring pat on the back from the younger before stepping out into the hallway.

 

With each creak of the stairs Taeyong’s heart hammers harder in his chest. He reaches the familiar door and knocks thrice.

There’s shuffling and then a sound of locks being hastily opened. The door swings open with a draft that almost pulls Taeyong completely inward.

“What do you—oh—it’s you?” What started as an unimpressed look on her face has morphed into something more of curiosity.  

Taeyong bows politely. “Good evening Aunty.”

“Cut the introductions I don’t have time. What do you want child?”

Taeyong stands up straight. The abrupt cut off has him looking in his brain for words. _Ah just go right for it Taeyong._ “My brother, he’s unwell...I don’t have enough money to go elsewhere and...” _Fuck do I mention what Jaehyun told me? Then she might say no._

“ _He_ told you to come to me, didn’t he?” The unimpressed expression falls back onto her face.

Taeyong can’t bear to look her in the eyes anymore. He’s in utter fear of rejection so his body falls to his knees. “Please...please help him.”

“Boy, stand up I don’t need your begging.” She says sternly.

Taeyong climbs back to his feet.

“Your brother, he is younger, yes?”

“Yes, he’s eight.”

“I see, head back upstairs, you remember the drill.” The aunty begins to close the door.

Taeyong still stands in complete shock that he had actually convinced her to help. He yells a thank you before the door shuts completely. Then he makes his way back to from which he came.

 

~~

Jaehyun’s door shuts softly with a light click. Taeyong has headed downstairs so he makes his way back to the boy’s brother’s side. He crouches down and rests his back against that bottom of the couch just like he and Taeyong had done that night before.

Mark’s still fighting to keep his eyes open. Jaehyun can read the disorientation in the boy’s gaze. Its one thing to be sick at home but it’s a whole other world to be sick in a stranger’s apartment with said stranger.

There’s only silence for a while. Mark isn’t expected to say anything while Jaehyun just has no fucking clue.   _I don’t know how to act around kids. What the fuck do I say? This was easier when Taeyong was here._

“Hyung, how do you know Taeyong hyung?” The weak voice shatters the silence.

Jaehyun peered over his shoulder at the younger. “Ughh...well we don’t know each other very well but he helped me out one night.”

The younger smiled. “Isn’t hyung very helpful?”

Jaehyun found warmth in Mark’s expression. There was this feeling in his heart that he knew he hadn’t felt in forever. It felt nostalgic yet so far gone. “He is.”

“Can I call you _Jae hyung_?” Mark inquires.

Jaehyun thought about it. _I’ve never had a nickname but why not. Everything’s so fucked up as it is._ “I really like the sound of that, so sure.”

The smile on Mark’s face grows two times bigger. “Jae hyung?”

“Hmm?” Jaehyun turns his body to completely face Mark. _Shit this kid wants to keep talking even in this state?_

Mark grasps onto the sleeve of his shirt but nothing in his touch was alarming. It was gentle and calming. “Are you Taeyong hyung’s friend?”

Jaehyun had to take a moment. _I’ve known this guy for less than a week. Although, I’ve seen his blood and I’m basically babysitting his sick brother. Maybe it’s just for five minutes but still. If we aren’t friends now what are we? Close acquaintances? Still strangers? I know Taeyong is nothing like a customer. So what’s the name to what we are?_

“I’d like to think so.” When the words come out of his mouth something catches in the back of Jaehyun’s throat. _This is it, this is something of a first step is it not? ~~Submitting~~ ~~to a title~~ no it’s being able to put yourself into another relationship. Standing tall, admitting to what you are without hesitance. Even if it’s just to an eight year old boy, this right here is a start._

“That’s good.” Mark’s eyes close finally, he’s giving in to his tiring state. Before he dozes off and lets go of Jaehyun he gives him a couple more words to ponder. “I hope you stay friends for a long time. I’ve never seen hyung so calm with someone other than Johnny.”

There isn’t much of his moment with Mark left to give it a deep thought as just then the door to the apartment swings open. In the frame of the entryway stands Taeyong who gives a cute little fist pump.

“I convinced her!”

 

~~

 

About ten minutes or so the aunty comes in with the same small bag she had approached a wounded Jaehyun with. She firstly gives Jaehyun a dirty look before making her way to where Taeyong is with Mark.

Jaehyun takes it as a sign to stay out of her way. He raises his hands in defeat and walks away to sit at a barstool at his counter. _She fucking walks in acting like it’s my fault._

Taeyong gives a kiss to Mark’s forehead before he too gets out of the lady’s way. He takes a seat on the remaining barstool beside Jaehyun. He rests his elbows on the counter and buries his head in his hands.

Jaehyun’s never had to console himself so when it comes to another human being he’s most indefinitely clueless. Or so he thinks because he did learn one thing tonight. It worked on him, so maybe it’ll work on Taeyong. Without hesitance he gently and calmly grabs onto the sleeve of Taeyong’s shirt.

The action is so innocent. _Mark must do this often; I’ve never seen someone loose tension so quickly._

The older turns his face to Jaehyun. He smiles but it’s filled with so much stress, worry and pain. His voice comes out as weak as Mark’s. “Jaehyun, thank you for tonight. I needed you and you came through.”

_Jaehyun stills. Bullshit, nobody has ever needed me._


	10. J.

“It’s just the flu. He definitely picked it up while at school. It’s nothing that can’t be handled with a few days of rest and fluids.”

There’s a visible pouring of relief flowing through Taeyong. His shoulders take a normal un-stiff curve and his clenched fists spread open.

“I owe you a lot aunty...” Taeyong looks to his brother and the lady. His sense of gratitude cannot amount from his words alone so he bows deeply in her direction.  He wishes he could do so much more.

The aunty smiles at Mark and replies to Taeyong. “Nonsense boy, this is what I did and what I still do. You owe me nothing.” She rises to her feet and gathers her belongings, making her way out. “Although...” She gives an unusually less harsh stare to Jaehyun. “...I still expect my meal from you.”

Taeyong watches as Jaehyun rolls his eyes and attempts to get the elder out of the apartment. He does catch the whispered words of the younger before the door closes. “I keep my promises aunty.” The creek and click signifies her departure and end of discussion.

Taeyong reclaims his spot at Mark’s side. The youngest sleeps peacefully for once and he doesn’t feel as warm as he had before. _Hmm I’ll ask Jaehyun if I can sleep on the floor, or is it too much to stay? It’s so late though._ Taeyong strokes Mark’s hair, his ministrations interrupted by Jaehyun’s presence.

He crouches down beside Taeyong, watching Mark quietly. Taeyong sees the look in the other’s eyes but he can’t deduce what it really is. It’s emptiness but there’s a glint of something trying to break through. Like the other is trying to understand the event before him. The simple stroking of another’s hair, it’s a miniscule symbol of affection. _Jaehyun do you know what affection is?_

Taeyong clears his throat. “Jaehyun, I hate to be a continuous bother but is it possible for us to stay the night?” _God I never considered what I’d do if he rejects my request._ Taeyong knows he’s asking a lot of the other. He closes his eyes and hopes for a good response.

“That’s fine.”

Taeyong looks wildly at Jaehyun’s face. “Really!?”

Jaehyun seems taken aback from Taeyong’s shock. “Yeah...why would I kick you out?”

Taeyong laughs nervously. “I’m sorry. I just don’t expect you to be so kind.”

Jaehyun, still expressionless, ponders Taeyong’s words. “I’d like to change your expectations.” He states it flatly baffling Taeyong in the process.

Taeyong’s mouth has fallen open but there’s nothing more to be said as Jaehyun gets up and moves away.

“You and Mark can have my bed, I can take the couch. Don’t ask to sleep on my floor, I won’t let you.” _Well there goes my next question._

Maybe Jaehyun is doing it out of pure kindness. That’s at least what Taeyong thinks. What he doesn’t know is what really happens on the floor of the apartment. If he knew what did while he was laying on it Jaehyun would look like the most indecent person ever.

Jaehyun comes back from the room he had left to. “I cleaned up as best as I could. It’s late and you probably want to sleep now.”

Taeyong nods. _Fuck I am tired._ He motions to pick Mark up off the couch but a hand catches his shoulder.

“I got him. Don’t worry. You brought a bag with you; you have clothes to change into yeah?” The words flow right out of the younger.

“Ah, I do.”

“Good, go ahead and use the bathroom, I’ll carry him in.”

Taeyong hesitates at first. He watches Jaehyun gently lift Mark up and cradle him in his arms. Jaehyun has a reassuring smile on his face. Taeyong murmurs a _thank you_ and heads to the bathroom.

He brings his bag over with him. He pulls a pair of black basketball shorts out. He slips out of the jeans he’s wearing and tugs the shorts on. He’s pretty warm so he pulls his sweatshirt off too till he’s left in only loose clothing.

Less restriction makes Taeyong’s breathing come easier. _I must have been breathing fast this whole time._ The un-tightening of his chest has him feeling some of his hidden anxiety seeping out. The pain in his neck is still their keeping him stiffer than he’d like though.

He turns the tap on, sets it so a cool stream flows from the nozzle. He cups his hands together, letting the water pool in his palms before splashing it against his face. Its purpose isn’t to wake him up; it’s more for him to remember that he’s alive, awake and has responsibilities. Whether it’s comforting or not it’s an important reminder for himself.  

Taeyong finishes up, zipping his bag back up. He leaves it at the front door. _We can’t stay forever. Tomorrow morning, we will have to go home._

When he arrives at the bedroom he’s shocked at the sight he sees. It’s nothing upsetting. It’s just Jaehyun kneeling at the bedside, patting Mark’s hair back while the younger sleeps.

Mark’s body is neatly tucked under the covers, it appears very cozy. As Taeyong looks closer, Jaehyun oblivious to his attendance, he notices the tremble. It’s ever present in the slim hand of the high school student. Taeyong sees the way Jaehyun keeps his hand an absurd distance away for the actions he’s trying to perform. His movements are barely touching the smaller as if his hand would shatter the child beneath. Jaehyun’s eyes are concentrated, like what he’s doing is new work, undiscovered territory. _Jaehyun your touch is so soft, what do you have to fear? Who did this to you? Who made you so afraid?_

“You won’t hurt him.”

Taeyong’s words send a jolt of fear through Jaehyun’s body. Jaehyun’s hand recoils back into his body and he falls back onto his butt. When he sees Taeyong resting on the door frame he rushes to stand up.

“Good night Taeyong.” The words stumble from his mouth.

Taeyong moves in closer but something is seriously freaking Jaehyun out. The younger bows quickly and he steps past Taeyong. As he closes the door to the room behind him he calls softly and just as quickly as he left “sleep well.”

“You too...” At this point Taeyong is just talking to a door. Taeyong really can’t say he knows Jaehyun’s traits well but for the first time ever he had never witnessed such an intense nerve wracking pressure from the other. _I guess everybody feels differently, but Jaehyun he just doesn’t feel outwardly._ With that thought at mind Taeyong grew curious. _Jaehyun, how do you feel?_

Taeyong climbs into the bed. It’s surprisingly soft and welcoming for it being a stranger’s. Theoretically he should be able to fall asleep especially with today’s events in mind. Though there’s a burning film on repeat in his brain. The centre point of the film is none other than Jaehyun of course. _I shouldn’t be thinking about this so deeply._ The image is of Jaehyun watching Taeyong pet Mark’s hair. Then it skips to the feeble attempts of Jaehyun trying to do the same thing. _This is too much, I can’t analyse his actions like this, it’s creepy and I’ll go crazy._

Taeyong wastes an hour of convincing himself that _it wasn’t that deep_ but really, _it probably fucking was._

~~

Jaehyun closes the door behind him. His right hand hasn’t seized its trembling. He shakily brings it up to cover his mouth. His stomach is doing flips. _This isn’t good._ He tries his best to stay quiet as he rusehs to the bathroom.

He swings the door behind him to close but it doesn’t so much that it clicks shut completely. His knees hit the white tiles in front of the toilet. He removes his hand from his mouth and his stomach tightens. Tears form at the corners of his eyes as he heaves. His knuckles turn white over the grip of the toilet bowl.

_“Jaehyun come here, mommy wants to see your pretty face.”_

_Jaehyun pulls his tiny self up onto the end of the hospital bed. He crawls up the side of it and lies beside his mother’s weak body._

_“There’s my baby boy, my sweet little one. Still, handsome as ever.” Jaehyun smiles and tucks his head against his mom’s shoulder.”How’s school going Jaehyun?”_

_“Mommy everyone is so smart. So much smarter than me.” Jaehyun whines._

_“Ah baby that’s okay, you were made for greater things.” His mother smiles lovingly at him and Jaehyun returns the expression._

_Her hand comes up and over slowly before resting in the soft ringlets of his hair. Her petite fingers shift through the loose curls in soothing motions. Gentle and loving, everything that is mother is and what his father should be._

_“Baby I love you so much.”_

_Jaehyun can physically hear the effort she puts in inhaling and exhaling. The noting of this shakes him to the core but he’ll be strong, he is strong. His mother says so, so it must be true._

_“Momma I love you too.”_

Jaehyun rubs the sweat off his brow and flushes the toilet, flushing away the vomit and all of his thoughts as well. With the final gurgle of the toilet the last few flash backs of painful touches after his mother’s death drown out.


	11. K.

Taeyong wakes up to the sunrise creeping in through the slightly parted curtains. Mark is still curled up beside him. His small chest rises and falls normally. Last night his breathing was so laboured this sign is great news. _He’s getting better_. Taeyong runs a light hand through Mark’s hair and sighs to himself.

From what he can see the view outside of the window isn’t spectacular. Although, the second level of the building allows for a few streets to be seen in the distance. This isn’t a good part of the city, you can tell. Areas not illuminated by the sun’s rays are damp and wallowing in darkness. What _is_ visible is worn, rusted or sprayed with graffiti.

To a tourist, this isn’t the area for visiting. It’s the one section that people with a couple bucks to spare take pity on. Taeyong thinks those people can swallow a brick.

This part of town is all Taeyong knows. It’s poor. It’s run down. Absolutely broke. It’s also home. It’s Taeyong’s birth place. It’s Mark’s birth place. It’s where they grew up. Yes, there are places he doesn’t want to be in this city but there are places that made his entire youth worthwhile. The basketball courts at the end of his street. That’s where he taught Mark to shoot a hoop and dribble a ball. There’s the corner store where he works and its regular customers. Johnny, he lives here too and so does Jaehyun. This town is a mess and so is his home but he’s never going to leave it. All that which was previously stated is good enough reason to stay.

Taeyong gets himself out of bed. He opens the bedroom door quietly but when he looks to the couch, nobody is there. There is however a note on the couch cushions.

_Taeyong,_

_Sorry, something came up and I had to do it before school started so I left early._

_Jaehyun_

Taeyong puts the note on the coffee table. He ponders for a moment then decides he’ll text Jaehyun later when he leaves.

He heads to the bathroom and changes back into his clothes from last night. He spots his reflection in the cracked mirror. The cracks distort his left shoulder. Taeyong traces a finger along the wound. A fragment falls off and onto the countertop; it clacks against the hard surface. Taeyong looks at it, mirror side up, and observes his hollow eyes. They’re so deep and dark, lack of sleep, stress, anxiety and this is the end product. _It’s time to go, time to go...home._

Taeyong gets Mark up regretfully. The younger murmurs as he’s shaken awake by Taeyong.

“Marky, it’s time for us to go now.”

Mark lets out a small whine in protest.

“You can keep your pajamas on, deal?”

Mark smiles and stretches his arms out towards Taeyong, eyes still closed.

Taeyong collects his little brother in his arms. He feels Mark’s face snuggle against his neck and small arms draped over his shoulders. Taeyong turns his head just slightly and gives a kiss to Mark’s ear. The younger one giggles at the feeling.

“Yah! Don’t laugh at my affection!”

Mark giggles again. “I love you hyung.” His voice is thick with sleep.

Taeyong hums contentedly. “Hyung loves you too.”

 

~~

 

Jaehyun wakes up in a cold sweat. He slept with his phone at his ear so when an incoming message sounded he wakes immediately.  

He wipes the moistness from his forehead and rubs his arms harshly to gather warmth. It finally comes to his senses that someone is indeed texting him. He grabs his phone and the home screen pops up. He squints at the brightness and lets his eyes adjust. When he can finally see and the blurriness of sleep has dissipated he reads the time and the message.

****

** From: Client #2 @5:10am **

_If you arrive in the next fifteen minutes I’ll give you $20 extra_

 

Jaehyun collects his thoughts for a moment. With an additional twenty dollar tip, that would add up to seventy dollars. Jaehyun was very much interested in this deal no matter the condition he was currently in.

 

** To: Client #2 @5:13am **

_I’ll be there in 10_

Jaehyun gets himself up. He decides not to change; he’s already in a set of reasonable clothes. His last shower was yesterday morning but deodorant can do for now. He doesn’t think he could get himself in the shower anyway. He doesn’t have time.

There’s one thing still left undecided in his mind. _What do I do with Taeyong?_ He has the bedroom door open; Taeyong and Mark are just simple forms underneath the thin blankets. _I shouldn’t concern him with this business .He doesn’t deserve that. I’ll just write a note._

So he does, he pens down a vague blurb and an apology. The apology really seemed appropriate, even though he’s never been sorry towards anyone in his life. Well maybe he really is towards Taeyong but that’s too soon to admit for him.

On his walk Jaehyun was mentally preparing himself for the damage to come. This client wasn’t particularly gentle and if he was texting at this hour he was desperate. He should have declined considering his body felt weak but that would just further the beating for next time.  

~~

 

Taeyong had avoided thinking about his parents until he was on the doorstep of hell. _Just take one breath, then another. Taeyong you can handle anything._

“Back home, are we now?”

Taeyong nods in his father’s direction. Mark squeezes tighter, hiding his face in his neck.

“Bring Mark to his room. Then come back down.”

Taeyong follows instructions. He ignores the pleas of his brother as he lies him down in his bed.

“Hyung you don’t have to, don’t go back to him. He’ll hurt you.” Mark’s eyes are glazed over.

“Shhh...if it gets loud cover your ears. I’ll be okay. It’s gonna be okay.” Taeyong’s words are beginning to lose their meaning but honestly nothing else can be said. When the two of them both know what the truth is and what isn’t, nothing is going to ease anything.

Taeyong gets slapped, three times. The second time comes as a hard backhand against his right cheek. He has nowhere to move. His dad is gripping his shirt’s neckline and he’s pinned to the wall.

“One more fuck up Taeyong and you’re out. I don’t care where you go. I don’t care that Mark stays here alone. I especially don’t care that he won’t be able to see his fuck up of an older brother anymore.”

His father’s spit is everywhere on his face. The harsh words fall on almost deaf ears.

“I wish you weren’t my son.”

_I wish you weren’t my father._

_~~_

Jaehyun was right. The client wasted no time in ripping his clothing off. The grasp on hips is bruising. The teeth bearing down on his collarbone is searing and preparation be damned. He’s flipped over, ass up, face down. His body isn’t stretched and the lube runs too thin. Each dry thrust shoots pain up his back.

The harsh smack to his behind has him choking on his own spit. He would faint, but the pain keeps his mind buzzing. In his haze he attempts to do what he did last time. He’s frantically looking for an escape. He tries to picture Taeyong as the threatening man behind him. _I can’t I CAN’T._ He’s screaming in his mind. The fantasy won’t come together. _He’s too innocent, he wouldn’t, he couldn’t do all of this._ He’s pressing the far corners of his mind for an escape... _Don’t bring him into this twisted world. Jaehyun you’re so fucking disgusting..._ for any thought that is remotely satisfying. Though all he can think of is the fact that he tried to reduce Taeyong to the disgrace that is fucking him senseless. _I’m—I’m...I’m... so sorry?_ The mantra of words spill from his mouth now, he doesn’t realize it. He doesn’t understand what he’s saying.

The pace picks up and Jaehyun feels like he’s being ripped in half. _Was the seventy dollars really fucking worth it? I’ll just be buying seventy dollars worth of Advil for this._

It feels like it won’t end but finally the familiar warmth of being filled with release passes through him. It’s a brief sensation before everything in his lower region goes completely numb. There’s a light smack to his ass and as promised, a rolled up seventy dollar wad of cash is dropped by his face that’s smothered in a pillow.

He grips it tightly. _I guess I earned this._

Jaehyun is left on the dingy mattress, sore ass and barely hard. He pulls his pants that are at his ankles back up to his waist. _I’ll clean myself up later._ He stumbles off the bed, his legs shaking. The pain is intense but he’s felt it before so he’ll manage.

 

~~

 

Mark lies on the bed. His hands cover his ears. He doesn’t want to ignore it but each echoed slap has vomit clinging to the back of his throat.

“Hyung...hyung...Taeyong hyung...” His words are whines each broken off with a sob.

His breathing becomes heavily laboured. “Happy place....find...it...” He pants out.

It takes him a moment to reach the distractions but he does it. He thinks way back, to the time when Taeyong was teaching him how to dribble. He was so bad at it. He remembers laughing and running around. His brother’s smile was so warm and radiant. He misses it.

Then he thinks of Donghyuck. He reminisces about a recess they shared indoors when it was raining outside. They read this huge book on technology. Donghyuck knew a lot about it and shared some knowledge with Mark. It was really fun and it brought the two of them together even more.

They’re calming thoughts. Taeyong had taught him that if you were sad good memories can make you feel better even if they bring more tears. Mark’s spilling a lot of tears but he definitely feels somewhat warmer.

 

~~

 

He does _manage._ Jaehyun actually gets back home, in one piece and without fainting. It was a lot of effort but like he’ll ever admit that.

He’s lucky, Taeyong is gone, as well as Mark. For them to see him like this would definitely throw him over the edge.

He practically falls into the tub/shower. The tap gets turned on and after a few seconds hot water pours over his body. Jaehyun is never a fan of cleaning up the after math regardless of the profit he makes. Blood and semen mixed together is personally not and never going to be a preference of his.

The hot water does its best to pull some pain from his body. Whatever is left lingering still doesn’t change Jaehyun’s mind about doing this work. The bills don’t pay themselves.

When he finally gets out, which involved a lot of trial and error with just getting to his feet, he checks his phone. There are two messages from...Taeyong. _Of course, Taeyong you have to make it hard for me to not feel something._

** From: Taeyong @5:50am **

_For last night, thank you so much. Mark and I owe you a lot. I’ll make it up to you okay? Thank you, Jaehyun. Also did you catch this morning’s sunrise? It was beautiful from your room._

** From: Taeyong @5:53am **

_Oh god was that weird of me to say haha!_

 

Jaehyun snorts to himself. _How fucking dumb._ He can’t deny it though; the texts send more than one trill through his beating heart.

 

~~

 

Taeyong doesn’t go back to Mark’s room; he hides away in his own. He doesn’t want the younger to see his face, not like this. He wiped the blood from his nose. That old bruise that had almost faded was now darker and bigger. Fortunately there was little swelling around his eyes. Meaning he could pass this off as something other than a beating when he goes into work.

An hour goes by. His parents are gone to work. There’s only silence from Mark’s room and his own.

He begins to peel off his clothes. He has no motivation for a shower but lying in his boxers and t-shirt feels better than the stuffy sweatshirt and pants.

Another couple minutes pass and then there’s a beep from his phone.

 

** From: Jaehyun @8:18am **

_Unlock your window._

Taeyong sits up immediately he shuffles quickly to his window. There he sees Jaehyun on his front lawn waving up at him.

_What the fuck Jaehyun?_

He watches as the younger barely gets up and onto the roof. He opens the window and backs off as Jaehyun sits himself on the ledge. He settles with a short grunt.

When he finally sees Taeyong’s face his eyes widen. It’s something of shock, not necessarily horror.

“Taeyong...

“It’s okay!” Taeyong rushes to say. “It’s okay, I’m alright, Mark’s okay!”

Jaehyun slides of the ledge. His body moves on its own. He pulls Taeyong to sit with him on the bed. There’s a small amount of space between them and they’re both looking at the floor.

Taeyong doesn’t know what to say. He wasn’t expecting Jaehyun and he doesn’t know how to face concern when it’s coming from someone who is not Johnny.  Still something inside of him wills him to speak first.

“Are you alright? It took you long to get up here. I thought you were supposed to be at school?”

Jaehyun laughs. It isn’t sincere. “Taeyong I’m fine, my clients are... I don’t know...aggressive. About school, I don’t think I could attend after the round I had this morning.”

Taeyong looks over at Jaehyun. The younger is still looking at the floor. “Jaehyun...” He grabs the other’s hand. Jaehyun flinches slightly so Taeyong lets go. “...that’s not alright.”

Jaehyun hums. He knows that. He’s known that forever. He’d yell at Taeyong right now but something stops him. It’s hurt; he can feel it in his chest. It’s that hurt that you carry forever. That hurt that you can only ever show one person.

“Jaehyun...” Taeyong looks at him with so much worry.

“Taeyong don’t look at me like that...not when you look like this.” Jaehyun rubs at the new bruises on Taeyong’s cheeks.

There’s a hiccup in Taeyong’s chest. Jaehyun’s soft touch is so overwhelming.

The problem is they’re both on the brink of exploding. This is the moment that they come to realize that both of them are so fucked up. Their lives are in shambles, that they want someone who is going to need a lot of help and a lot of support. So to avoid an outburst they rush to cancel their emotions.  

Taeyong bites at his bottom lip hard, not so much to draw blood but enough to dry his eyes.”

The next thing that happens can’t really be explained by Jaehyun. There are a significant amount of variables that could have caused him to do this. Here are the facts: he’s just been sexually tormented even if it was consensual. He’s definitely at a low point right now but he’s not going to admit it. Over the past few days he’s been exposed to affection that he hasn’t experienced in years. The source of that care comes from the pained boy sitting beside him. Who also, not to forget, was apart of his fucked up sexual fantasy.

His reasons for this action: Jaehyun wants to apologize. He wants to say sorry for the fantasy. Say sorry for Taeyong’s shitty home life. Say sorry that he’s so fucked up. Say sorry that he wants Taeyong but Jaehyun doesn’t know how to apologize. He hasn’t been taught. He hasn’t experienced enough affection.  His actions won’t be recognized as an apology. It looks like some ulterior motive.   _But Taeyong knows what it is._

Taeyong understands just a little as to why Jaehyun’s lips are on his own. He wants to believe what Jaehyun’s doing right now is exclusively for him. That it’s some sort of an attempt at mending their immediate wounds. _But kisses don’t fix everything in the long run._

Jaehyun kisses him slowly. His hands come around Taeyong’s waist.

Taeyong lets his hands drift around the younger’s neck. He lies back pulling Jaehyun down and on top of him and suddenly there’s so much need.  

Taeyong’s never kissed before, his inexperience shows through but Jaehyun guides him along. The younger tugs at his bottom lip, nipping it with his teeth. It causes Taeyong’s mouth to fall open in a gasp.

Tongues meet and Taeyong moans. His fingers twist in Jaehyun’s hair. He doesn’t know what to appreciate because everything is so overpowering. He doesn’t know what this is fixing but he feels good.

There’s no time for his chest to tighten with anxiety or fear. Jaehyun’s mouth against his, claiming all his little noises is too much of a distraction. His shirt is rolled up, exposing his tummy. Jaehyun’s thumbs are running over his nearly boxer-less hips.

Taeyong’s hands eventually come to Jaehyun’s cheeks. He’s startled as he feels warm liquid spreading against his palms. He flickers his eyes open to see tears slipping down Jaehyun’s cheeks.

“Jaehyun?” He calls softly between kisses. “Jaehyun...what’s wrong.”

Jaehyun refuses to halt his motions. He kisses harder. He knows he’s crying but he’s not going to acknowledge it. Or else he’ll...he’ll

“Jaehyun!”

Taeyong pushes him away. His hands still cupping the younger’s cheeks. A single tear from Jaehyun’s cheek falls to Taeyong’s. They’re panting. Jaehyun’s eyes are looking back at his. Taeyong traces his thumb over Jaehyun’s saliva covered bottom lip.

“Jae...

“I’m sorry.”

The words finally fall from Jaehyun’s mouth. Its confirmation to Taeyong that this kiss was something more meaningful than words could ever tell but there’s no more room for further discussion because Jaehyun’s hands are off him. The younger pulls himself from Taeyong’s hold and flees his room.

Taeyong sits up, kiss swollen lips, glassy eyes and with a lot of questions. The open window has never brought such a cold draft in.


	12. L.

Taeyong had been staring out his window aimlessly for a while. The warmth from Jaehyun's lips is slipping from his own. A shiver runs through his body and for the minutes he's been sitting he has yet to put a coherent thought together.   
  
His index finger comes to tease at the bottom lip, tracing where the other’s teeth had bitten down.   
  
His heart rate had slowed down significantly and his breathing found a regular pace. He looks down at his one hand, sticky from Jaehyun's dried tears.   
  
_Why did you have to leave? Why did you leave me like this?_ He knows he's going to start thinking unreasonably. _Is it not human nature to do so?_ He'll ignore the fact that maybe Jaehyun is struggling with something. Which, he is very much aware that Jaehyun is. Regardless, he can't avoid the feeling of abandonment. Abandonment will lead to confusion. Confusion will lead to questioning. Questioning leads to guilt. Guilt will lead to Taeyong trying to find the source. _What is the source? Why now, that when I look back at our moment together do I find it so wrong? Choosing to act this way with the same sex...I should have listened to what the world thinks about these acts. I shouldn’t have done this. I shouldn’t be this way._  
  
The exact moment Jaehyun had pulled away and ran was the point at which Taeyong was hit with a wakeup call. The tears...  maybe they were a sign of doing something so incredibly wrong? Or maybe they were shed as an apology for doing something like this knowing the gravity of it.

Taeyong, in his fit, thinks the worst thing of all.

No one reacts the same. Not everyone can help themselves from feeling a certain way even though they know they perceive the situation incorrectly. Taeyong knows the kiss isn’t a big deal. It was amazing, not nearly a mistake. It’s just...the tears...rolling down Jaehyun’s cheeks. Those rip away anything left of his sensible reason.

_Pushing him away, asking him about those tears, did I hurt him?_

_Does he hate me?_

 

~~

 

Jaehyun wipes away at his cheeks with the rough leather on his jacket. _Fuck this._ He wasn’t expecting it. He didn’t plan to feel the way he did. When his mouth had landed on Taeyong’s, the warmth that consumed his body was inescapable. He felt so fucking good. To be that way with Taeyong was like heaven and it was barely a fragment of the real deal.

The problem is pleasantry caused fear. He didn’t want to feel pleasure with Taeyong; he shouldn’t be the one devouring the other’s innocence. Like always he still sticks to the motto: “Taeyong doesn’t deserve someone like me.” _He deserves so much more. He deserves someone with a steadier hand and mind. He deserves someone who can express emotion easily. So that he can know his worth. So he lives with no doubt in his mind that he’s truly loved. I can’t give that when I shouldn’t receive anything in the like._

Jaehyun’s actions contradicted his thoughts the minute he couldn’t stop himself from kissing Taeyong. Even though he thought that he was for sure giving the wrong impression.

This is the problem too. Taeyong knows Jaehyun sleeps around. Jaehyun isn’t proud of it and the last thing he ever wanted Taeyong to think when he was exploring his mouth was that this was all a sick joke. That Jaehyun was doing this for his own pleasure. Or maybe just to please Taeyong quickly from his own miseries.

  _I can’t be with Taeyong; no matter how much I think I care it’s always just going to be for myself. My feelings aren’t real. He’ll always feel betrayed...right?_

Jaehyun is an idiot just like Taeyong. Too wrapped up in the negative when they know it isn’t the truth. The greatest kind of love is knowing how much the other deserves, knowing you can’t give it to them just yet but improving yourself so you can.

Jaehyun just needs improvement.

_~~_

Taeyong’s experienced this before. It’s a fast oncoming freight train and it’s about to derail, swiftly toppling his mood into a trench. The dull ache of sadness creeps in his bones and lingers at the base of his skull. It hoods his eyes, darkens their rims and drops his shoulders. It’s been a couple years since he’s felt like this. The last time would have been a while back, on the cold bathroom floor with Johnny.

 He doesn’t want to feel this way. This is when his thoughts get scary and his judgement clouds. He knows it isn’t his fault but he might do something stupid. Stupid and selfish. This isn’t him though. These unaccountable thoughts and actions that form when he feels like this is not Lee Taeyong.

 

~~

 

Jaehyun knows this is the opposite of helping himself or Taeyong. It’s been two weeks and he refuses to text the other. Instead he sells his body off as much as possible.

He lets his clients, even strangers, claim his lips. He lets them tear away at the flesh Taeyong’s hands and lips had graced. He wants to wash clean the presence of the other on his skin. He wants to forget.

He lets himself be abused. The pleasure from sex lasts less than thirty seconds but he cherishes it and uses it as an excuse.

_I don’t need Taeyong when I have this. He doesn’t need someone so fucking filthy like me._

Isn’t it ironic though...that Jaehyun is the one forcing himself to be a bad person? He’s forcibly morphing himself into someone unworthy of Taeyong and for what reason.

_I am afraid of love? Being loved?_

_~~_

 

Taeyong grips the edge of the counter tightly. He’s staring his reflection down. It’s been two long weeks, so god damn long. Jaehyun has sent him nothing. No message, or tap at the window.

Taeyong’s lacking on his part too, he knows that’s true but Jaehyun was the one that looked like he needed time. Respectably Taeyong would wait.

The thing is, when you’re depressed you don’t have time to be patient. Urges just come and go as they please. Feelings don’t make sense or seem reasonable but are still absolutely valid.

Taeyong isn’t one hundred percent sure as to why he’s back to the way he was a couple years back. He isn’t aware that he’s clenching one too many pills in his left hand. He does believe it has something to do with Jaehyun’s departure.

_This has everything to do with Jaehyun’s departure._

If Jaehyun had faced him sooner, talked and opened up, which let’s face it, is the most unrealistic concept ever. Then they would have been okay. The problem is Jaehyun kissed Taeyong, cried, ran away and has refused to contact Taeyong since.

 _This is what abandonment feels like_. This is Taeyong realizing that Jaehyun was a source of happiness in his disappointing life. That Jaehyun made him feel like a worthy human being. Jaehyun made him feel like even though he was unwell, a little too anxious and easy to upset that he was a whole person. Worthy of something more. Worthy of a friendship and maybe even beyond.

Now that he’s gone and appears to be gone forever...

_I don’t want to but it hurts...I don’t understand why I’m sad because I don’t want to think about it anymore. I don’t want to feel anything anymore._

Three pills aren’t enough, but eleven are. Is it enough to kill him? No, antidepressants aren’t usually killers even through overdose but it’s not like Taeyong has that information. Regardless, the symptoms that follow are the things to fear.

Taeyong swallows thickly; he seats himself in front of toilet, resting his head on the bowl’s edge. It’s been a couple minutes and he feels dizzy, confused. His breathing isn’t as steady as it was before. Okay now he’s a little scared.

_I think this was a mistake. I don’t think I should have done this._

He’s crying but he isn’t aware, his face feels numb.

_Oh fuck. This was so selfish._

But is it really selfish? When one might choose to think of the aspirations and dreams they could’ve had Taeyong is only thinking of how he might not be here to help Mark reach his?

_Fuck, Mark...I didn’t mean to do this...I forgot...I was stupid like....usual...I’m..so..r..ry..._

_~~_

It’s been two weeks since Jaehyun has seen Taeyong. It’s been two weeks of him being a loser and pretending he isn’t worthy of something better than this. It’s been two weeks of thinking Taeyong doesn’t need or want him.

It’s been two weeks and he just found out he was completely incorrect.

“Mark? What’s wrong?”

 

 

In the quiet ally the loud clack of a phone hitting concrete echoes.


	13. M.

Jaehyun’s booking it like his life depends on it. He fumbles with his belt buckle, fastening it as his legs keep their rapid pace. Not much is going on his mind; his line of vision is narrow fitted with a circular haze. His ears ring with a piercing tune and the world around him paints itself monochrome.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck!_

His eyes settle upon a familiar building. Nearly out of breath, Jaehyun clambers up the porch and jiggles the door knob with aggression. _Locked goddammit!_ He yells out in frustration slamming his fist against the thin wood. He twists around and goes up the traditional way. He tugs at Taeyong’s window and unseals it from its frigid stasis. His body practically falls inside and he lets out a small _ah._

He gets himself steadied and now the real panic settles within.

“Mark! Mark!” Jaehyun shouts and he’s hustling out of Taeyong’s room. His next directions are unsure as he hasn’t made it this far into the residence.

“Mark! Where are you!?”

A feeble sob drips from a child’s mouth. “Jaehyun!” The name comes out as a hoarse whine.

Following the call Jaehyun makes quick movements and his eyes catch the light seeping from the open bathroom. His feet pound against the soft carpet then echo once hitting the cool tile. The sight unfolds in front of him and swings a bat at his knees.

Taeyong’s face rests gently at foot of the toilet, his body limp in the fetal position and Mark’s trembling frame cradles it. A small amount of vomit soaks the front of Taeyong’s shirt. Tear stains grace both brothers’ faces. Mark’s albeit much fresher.

“Jaehyun he won’t wake up.” Mark cries out as he shakes Taeyong’s shoulder back and forth.

The empty plastic pill case thrown carelessly beside the sink is the last piece of evidence Jaehyun needs to know that he shouldn’t dick around.

Jaehyun rips his newly cracked phone free from his pocket and dials up the emergency operator. He places the phone against his ear but his eyes can’t trail away from the scene. It’s odd but there’s always this overbearing feeling of guilt when calling for emergency even when the situation warrants the dire need.

He can barely breathe. In fact for the past three rings he’s held his breath, clenching his chest tightly.

One more ring then the call connects.

His voice comes out emotionless, dull almost unsure. “I think my friend overdosed.” _He definitely overdosed._

The lady on the other end tells him to stay on the line, so he puts the phone on speaker and drops it on the counter. He edges closer to Taeyong and carefully pulls Mark from his body, pulling the small boy into his chest. Here it is, it’s the hidden instinct to comfort and Jaehyun’s finally able to put it into practice.  

Mark’s hair tickles his neck, his whimpers and sniffles muffled in Jaehyun’s shirt. Jaehyun rubs at the back of the boys head. He carries the boy out of the bathroom there jobs complete. Since Taeyong is already on his side there isn’t much else they can do for him. All Jaehyun can do is hang tightly onto Taeyong’s younger brother.

A moment passes and Mark pulls back slightly from Jaehyun’s grip. “I’m sorry.” He whispers softly. “Johnny wouldn’t pick up; you were the only other contact.” His little fingers rub desperately at his tears.

“Don’t apologize. I’m glad you called me. Everything’s going to be okay now.” Jaehyun whispers back. _What the fuck am I saying? What do I know? Fucking hell._ He continues to retain all emotion for the sake of the younger boy. Another sob crawls out of the child.

Jaehyun glances back at Taeyong’s pale body wasting away on the unsanitary floor. He feels the sting of vomit at the back of his throat. _What have I done?_

The paramedics break through the front door.

 

~~

 

Taeyong awakens to a room painfully bright. For a moment, with Mark curled against him, he believes he’s in his own bedroom. The starch white bed sheets say otherwise.

He attempts to wipe the sleep from his eyes but his hand is caught...in another...hand?

Taeyong peers to his right where Jaehyun is slumped over the hospital bed in a chair. He’s asleep but his hand grips Taeyong’s tightly.

It was confusing enough waking up somewhere new (and he honestly thought he had finally passed on but it wouldn’t make sense for him to be with two beings who belong in heaven) but seeing Jaehyun was a shock. So Taeyong just lies there refusing to give anything much of a thought. He’ll have time to reconfigure everything when people awaken later.

For now he closes his eyes once again, moments later a nurse comes in and shuts the lights signifying it to be night.

  
_Taeyong dreams. He dreams about Jaehyun and Mark and Johnny. They’re together, they’re laughing and they’re all just a little older. It’s so peaceful and it feels so real. It’s a beautiful dream that didn’t deserve to be cut short._

Taeyong wakes up to a nightmare.

His eyes split open just a pinch at the sound of his father’s voice. He catches Jaehyun’s figure emotionless but stiff against the room’s wall. Mark is fighting their father’s bruising grasp around his tiny arm. He squeals in a fit of rage, calling out Taeyong’s name in desperation.

“You!” Taeyong’s father snaps his finger at Jaehyun. “Tell my son he’s got no home now.”

With that said Taeyong just barely watches as his father drag Mark out of the room with his mother as trailing behind as well.

There’s this moment of silence which would be a lot less awkward if Taeyong were to be still asleep. The scrape of the metal chair legs shatter it. Jaehyun takes a seat back at Taeyong’s bedside, unaware of the elder’s woken state.

Taeyong waits a few moments collecting his mind and lung capacity. He then shifts uncomfortably and it catches the other boy’s attention and now they’re staring eye to eye. It shouldn’t be weird but a kiss and two weeks apart can do fucked up things to people in their state of mind.

Taeyong has no words. Fuck he can’t think, but this is what he was waiting for. He was waiting for the freight train to come barrelling at him, winding him and bombarding him with every decision and thought and fear all at once. He has no words but he has a shit ton of tears.

Each tear that falls from his face to stain his hospital gown is a message all in itself.

One: _I’m sorry_

Two: _I didn’t mean to do that._

Three: _Why did you leave?_

Four: _Why did you never call?_

Five: _That kiss meant something more didn’t it..._

Six: We’re _both hurting right?_

Seven: _Am I the only one at fault for this?_

Eight: _What’s between us?_

Nine: I’m _sorry again; I took it to the extreme._

Ten: _I didn’t try to look at it from your end._

Eleven: _I’m not good at keeping my emotions from getting to me like this._

Twelve: _Will you run away again?_

With the way Jaehyun is rubbing his leg soothingly his final question answers itself. So with the silent encouragement Taeyong sits there and cries while Jaehyun continues his ministrations.

_This was bad timing. That kiss was never a mistake but what came after, both Jaehyun running and Taeyong attempting were the problems. They know this. That’s the most important thing. Now it’s time to start working with each other instead of around each other._

Taeyong sobs for a long while. After a couple trembling breaths Taeyong musters up his voice to speak. Without breaking eye contact he confesses for two reasons: to resolve what went wrong and to make a point clear.

“I needed you.” _What went wrong detected._

Jaehyun’s mouth runs dry, _this is guilt._

“Jaehyun I need you.” _Point made clear._

Jaehyun’s eyes water, _this is love._

~~

****

** From: Johnny @2:23am **

_Taeyong I’m so so sorry I couldn’t answer your call it’s just...I’m sorry it’s hard to type but my dad died_


	14. N.

Mark had to thank the heavens that he was at least feeling much better. The nauseousness has since left him, only a dull ache in his skull remains.

He's sitting in the back seat of their car. His wrist red from his father's grip and eyes blurry with unshed tears. Mark peers out the window but his focus remains on his inner monologue, which would consist of him screaming Taeyong's name over and over.

He found his brother. He called Johnny, then Jaehyun. He was the greatest witness to Taeyong's rapid downfall and yet...he can't even be there for his brother's recovery. The fact that Jaehyun is by Taeyong's side is the only reason he isn't screaming in a childish fit.

 

~~

 

"Your dad said you can pick your stuff up."

Taeyong glances at the frost tinted window in his room. He and Jaehyun had spent a few hours in silence just collecting themselves. Not necessarily trying to forget the events but more to be able to speak about moving forward.

Taeyong laughs a little.

"He payed the hospital bill too."

_That's it then, I'll take that as a parting gift, thanks...dad._

Jaehyun squeezes Taeyong's hand, to which the older realizes he's been saying nothing.

"Sorry, I'm listening," Teayong whispers.

Jaehyun gives him a quick upturn of the lips.

"I don't want to drop this on you but it's probably the most pressing matter, do you know where you're going to stay?"

Taeyong finds it humorous, the way Jaehyun speaks. How flat and empty his voice sounds but how much concern he truly does have.

"Johnny is gone for a bit, which reminds me that I should update with him. So I'm not positive as to where I can―

"Stay with me."

It's abrupt but it makes Taeyong's heart beat a little faster.

Jaehyun, still straight faced and monotone, stutters, "you don't have to...its—I mean it's the least I can do."

Taeyong smiles at the younger boy who refuses to meet his eyes. "Is it okay if I take you up on the offer then," he says softly.

Jaehyun nods, then smiles and both boys can tell it's a genuine one.

A little while later a nurse comes in and brings Taeyong's attention to something completely jarring. The IV he has yet to notice buried deep in his arm.

Taeyong fucking hates needles, near him, in him, and removing them. For the most part his senses were numb but now that the nurse is saying she wants to remove something and that something has been in him this whole time has him flipping shit.

His breath quickens and he's fighting to keep his arm away from the nurse's reach but he's disgusted so he doesn't want it close to him either. He's in an absolute frenzy. He can see the nurse visibly trying to calm him down and he can make out Jaehyun calling his name but it's all a blur and an echo.

At some point Jaehyun climbs over him, making Taeyong fall back against the bed. Jaehyun pins Taeyong's arm to the table and the younger almost regrets it.

Taeyong feels stupid and weak but he's so afraid. He's crying and he's probably been screaming _stop_ over and over again. He keeps squirming under Jaehyun because he doesn't want to give in to reason.

His mind is screaming, everything is blaring to his senses and then there's nothing. Nothing but Jaehyun's lips on his own.

The grip on his arm disappears and all Taeyong can focus on is the pleasure. Jaehyun's chapped cool lips against his own. It's chaste because the situation calls for it to be and that's fine. Taeyong feels fine like this and he doesn't feel the needle pull from. He does feel Jaehyun pull back and that is a cause for disappointment.

The blushing nurse is a sight to behold but she simply tucks the equipment away and mentions something about his release before curtly leaving.

"That was a little risky," Jaehyun mutters, his hands now cupping Taeyong's face.

It makes sense to Taeyong because Jaehyun isn't good with words or feelings but he's good with his body. Which is something he won't deny that he receives comfort from.

"Yeah," Taeyong replies in a daze. It is risky, it is unfortunate because not everyone is going to smile at two boys holding hands let alone connecting lips. They got lucky this time. It makes Taeyong feel like a little boy playing hide and seek, hiding and holding in your jitters until surprise! You're caught. He giggles, _this, them, it's going to be a ride, it's going to be a thrill._

"Should we get out of here?"

"Yeah, help me up?"

 

~~

 

They take the bus to the corner of Taeyong's street. Jaehyun insisted upon it considering Taeyong's poor state.

Taeyong pulls his phone from his pocket. He hasn't checked it since he's been in the hospital for a little over a day and he curses his forgetfulness when he reads Johnny's text.

The stars grant Taeyong's wish because it's just Jaehyun with him on the empty bus to see his second bout of tears.

Johnny's, no, Taeyong and Johnny's father. That's whose died. That man was everything for Taeyong that his own biological father couldn't be.

_"Taeyong my family wants you to come with us on a picnic this weekend, are you in?"_

" _I feel like I'm impeding Johnny."_

" _You aren't impeding if you're invited buddy."_

Taeyong is looking at his feet, that thing about feeling a million times closer to someone after death must be true.

" _Come sit Taeyong and eat."_

_The sun is beating down on their backs, the cool breeze keeps the sweat at bay. Taeyong gives a timid smile and receives what's offered. Johnny's father cracks jokes and tells stories. He puts a gentle hand on Taeyong's knee, he pats his back, he pats his head, he calls him son. He's the ideal role model, he's just what Taeyong needs._

"I'm sorry for crying again," Taeyong whimpers.

Jaehyun glances over at the message.

"He just really meant a lot."

Because Taeyong knows, he knows that without Johnny's dad he would've grown a cold kid. If he never felt the warmth of hug or the support of an adult Taeyong would have believed his own parents actions to be the ideal. Without him, Mark too, would never have experienced love.


	15. O.

They don't immediately make the travel down to Taeyong's house. Instead Jaehyun pulls the older down to sit on the corner curb of the street. He keeps the space between them minuscule but breathable for the other. Part of the relationship learning process is figuring out how to comfort the other person in the way they desire. Taeyong responded well to the abrupt kiss but Jaehyun would rather play it safe and see if Taeyong prefers having space.

It becomes apparent after a couple minutes that Taeyong is much more of a _hold me tight_ person. The older manages to burrow his face against Jaehyun's neck. Every little tremble he makes sends a chill through Jaehyun's body. Jaehyun goes rigid, closeness in a non sexual way isn't exactly his forte and for some reason it makes him feel a little lonely. For the sake of the older he stresses relaxation through his muscles and brings a hand up and cards it through Taeyong's white streaks. The texture of Taeyong's hair creates an appealing distraction from the non existent distance between them.

Jaehyun comes to the educated conclusion that Taeyong's body will hit the wall at any moment and the tears will seize. There can't be much left in the well of his sadness. So he lets Taeyong shudder and collapse under the streetlights against his still body.

Jaehyun gazes up at the world and remembers that night that seems like years ago. Was it an individual preference to find numbness and death so beautiful and fulfilling or was it the end result of years of abuse and scaring? It's something to consider, Jaehyun thinks, because his mind is telling him that what Taeyong is doing to him is a billion times prettier.

Jaehyun falls from thought when Taeyong's weak voice reaches his ear.

"I'm okay now...I'm okay," Taeyong whispers but his head still rests on his comforting shoulder.

Jaehyun keeps caressing the elder's hair, giving a low hum in acknowledgement.

_Idiot, I know you're far from alright._

"I—I don't know if I can face seeing Mark or not seeing him at all. What if I can't say bye what if—

"Taeyong."

Said boy freezes and pulls back to look at Jaehyun. Jaehyun gathers Taeyong's face in his hands, thumbing away the remaining tears. He looks at the other, his dry pink lips, blotchy face and puffy eyes. _Is this what mom saw when she held my crying face all those times?_

"I'm going to be blunt okay?"

Taeyong nods.

Jaehyun takes in a deep breath, "We've known each other for not a grand amount of time but I'm sure you've clued in that I'm not emotionally equipped to handle situations like this, right?"

Taeyong nods again and Jaehyun is slowly finding it harder and harder to look the boy in his eyes.

"So unfortunately I have no idea what to tell you, I don't know how long it'll be until you see Mark again...- _I wish I knew more about you-..._ and all that but what I can tell you is that the both of you have something more than I have ever acquired with any of my family members." Jaehyun lets his eyes wander. _Spit it out, what are you trying to say?_ He gives out a huff of frustration before finding the words to continue, "I think what I'm trying to say is that this isn't the end."

Jaehyun holds his breath, awaiting any sort of response. What he gets he doesn't expect, Taeyong's lips spread into a warm smile, his eyes curl into crescent moons and a small sigh of relief leaves his nose.

"Okay, I believe you Jaehyun."

It's back again, that beautiful innocence Taeyong exudes. It warms Jaehyun, gives him a form of satisfaction that eerily reminds of him of his a familiar caress. _A thought to ponder later Jaehyun...not now._

To Taeyong's dismay Jaehyun let's go of his face and guides him to a standing position.

"Would you like me to wait outside?"

"Yes that's fine."

 

~

 

Taeyong climbs the porch steps but his last minute judgement has him spinning on his heel and nimbly climbing up to his common place of entrance. He hauls himself onto the roof and slips the window open, slinking in. He won't give his parents the satisfaction of watching him walk in and out in some twisted form of shame and maybe he just knew the odds of seeing Mark were greater this way.

He finds his reliable back pack and fills it with the essentials he's had memorized for five years.

There's honesty in the thought that he doesn't get sentimental frequently but when Taeyong looks around his bedroom, or now soon to be known as his old one, his heart aches. He glances at his pillows and thanks them for catching his many tears over the years. He thanks the blankets for keeping he and Mark warm. He thanks the peeling wallpaper for being something to pick at when he was anxious. He thanks the entirety for being a place he and Johnny could chill. He thanks it for holding not just bad memories but good ones too. The good ones where he and Johnny would sneak a pizza in, and for that one time Johnny bought over a very inappropriate magazine that orientated heavily to the way Taeyong swings. Or for the times he and Mark would sing songs, read books and drink hot chocolate swaddled in the covers.

Taeyong takes it all in, happy with the good memories he's recalled. He motions to exit the room to maybe catch a glimpse of Mark but he doesn't have to. The door creaks open slowly and a small head pops in.

His brother must have heard his commotion.

 

~~

 

Jaehyun awaits patiently outside the house. He takes a seat on the curb near the end of the driveway. In recent he's never had to think so much so he takes this time to just catch up with the peace of silence.

All is well until a familiar vibration shakes his pocket. He slips his phone free from the fabric and clicks the screen on.

 ** From: Dad @7:45pm **  
_You'll pay up sooner or later u piece of shit or I'll send ur address_

Jaehyun curls in on himself. _Empty threats, that's all they are, empty empty threats._

 

~~

 

Their gazes meet instantly and Mark is dashing into Taeyong's arms. They embrace tightly and for a whole two minutes they say nothing and Taeyong understands why. Mark has been waiting patiently for his older brother whom there was a possibility he would never ever be able to embrace once again. He needs the touch, he needs the feel, he absolutely requires the presence of the elder to comfort his anxiety.

Taeyong whispers _I'm okay_ over and over in the little boy's ear, even though he feels it's Mark that should be top concern.

"Hyung I love you, I love you, I love you. Please don't hurt yourself again, I love you I need you," Mark cries into his shirt. "I was scared Hyung and you're the only one who makes my fear go away but it was _you_. This time _you_ scared me."

Taeyong goes weak.

"Mark—I'm so—I'm so sorry. I'm the wo—

"Don't say it Tae, don't ever say it again. I don't want to hear lies. You're not the worst, you were never the worst."

Movement downstairs can be heard and it's a grave reminder that Taeyong's time is limited. They both know and they stress to say as mush as possible.

The younger pulls away but his fists still clench at the fabric of Taeyong's shirt. "Hyung you're going to leave home, I don't want to be alone," Mark sniffles.

Taeyong closes his eyes _my God what have I done._ "This is all my fault Mark, if I hadn't done...if I hadn't you wouldn't have to suffer because of me." _So maybe it's good that I'm leaving, all I cause is trouble. "_ Maybe its for the better that I go...

"No," Mark pulls Taeyong's face closer to his, tears brimming his eyes, "it won't be better, it'll never be better. I know you'll have to go no matter what but you can't think like this hyung. You have to know that I'll be waiting for you almost everyday. For you and Jae hyung."

Taeyong opens his eyes. _For me and...Jaehyun?_

"I'll wait for you to take me home," Mark smiles wide.

Taeyong  lets out a sob, his eyes stay dry from overuse. He doesn't know what to say so instead he leans forward placing a lengthy kiss on his brother's forehead. When he pulls away Mark tugs his face down and gives him a kiss on the same spot.

They share another moment of  silence, Taeyong eventually takes Mark's hand in his larger one. It's an action that states _let me say this, let me finish what I need to tell you._

"Even when you praise me I still feel so useless Mark, I'm so sorry, I promise I'll come back soon. I won't make you wait too long. I'll come back better, the best big brother yet, I love you." Taeyong tries to keep his body from shaking, "I'm gonna figure this out. This time I won't be so useless."

"Hyung you're so unfair," Mark's last few tears drip from his eyes like a leaky faucet, "I wish you'd stop saying you're useless because what would I be without you hyung?" The smaller squeezes Taeyong's hand. "Hyung lets both be strong okay? Let's both figure this out okay? No matter how long it takes, we'll be happy again."

Taeyong nods and between the two of them they share a bittersweet smile. It's one that says _I'm sorry_ and _I forgive you._ It says _I'll work endlessly for you_ and _I'll wait patiently._ It says _this isn't the end._


	16. P.

It's freezing in Taeyong's room but it's warm underneath his covers. Mark struggles to slip free of the blankets.

In the past few days he's been experiencing life without Taeyong, regardless of the fact his brother had indeed been inside the house. So it's unfortunate that the reality that his hyung will not at all be existing in his space for sure now hasn't quite hit him yet.

It starts with the sink being dry in the morning, Taeyong wakes first, so the sink is always damp and so is the counter. Mark brushes his teeth feigning ignorance to the subtle notes of absence.

Taeyong always gets the peanut butter down from the top shelf but today Mark is using a kitchen chair to reach up for it. There's no eyes on him when he grabs a knife to spread the contents on the bread, no one watching that he won't hurt himself.

He packs up his bag and counts his books over, his heart hurts without the gentle verbal reminder to remember to do this action.

He zips up his coat all by himself after the fifth try and maybe the frustration is from lack of sleep but in his soul Mark knows he just misses Taeyong's nimble and quick hands bundling him up for the cold.

He forgets his scarf, he blames the wind on his tears.

The walk to school is barren, lonely and absolutely fucking torturous without Taeyong. No games of eye spy, no _don't touch the sidewalk cracks,_ or piggy back rides to the gates of education.

More importantly...no forehead kisses in the parking lot of the school.

Mark's fingers curl around his knapsack, knuckles turning white. His world has shaken, snapped and broken in all the wrong places. Constants in his life ripped apart, shredded in front of his youthful eyes. He's at his limit because it appears that there may be nothing good left to hold on to. Nothing to live for everyday.

Mark is beginning to look a lot like the shadow of young Taeyong until a boy with golden skin and soft swirly brown hair manifests himself in Mark's line of sight.

A reminder that Mark still has one constant left in his life. Thankfully a good one.

"Hi hyung!" Donghyuck grins, his petite heart shaped lips spreading into a beauty of a smile.

The older lets his thoughts dissolve and chooses to accept what he still has as _enough_.

"Good morning Donghyuck," Mark returns the content expression.

"Feeling better yet?" Donghyuck side steps and looks Mark up and down. He was never known as a child that could sit still.

Mark remembers his promise to himself to always speak truthfully with Donghyuck so he ponders his next words carefully.

"I think I'd feel a lot better if you showed me some of the new books you said you picked up from the library last weekend."

A sparkle glitters across the younger one's eyes. "I've been so excited to show you Mark! Oh they're so good! The one on tech is really neat, it's my favourite!!!" Donghyuck's side steps turn into playful little bounces and Mark loves it. He loves how cute the younger looks with his brown whisps flopping around and how Donghyuck always succeeds at buttoning his shirt incorrectly. It's absolutely endearing.

It's not just the smaller's appearance that he appreciates. There's something about Donghyuck that fits in so correctly with Mark. Mark is a pretty solid being and mostly independent but he lacks things like everyone else and miraculously this kid just happens to be the cure for every hole he has.

Fact, Mark doesn't like to speak about his problems. It's for various reasons, majorly that he finds them burdensome towards others. Naturally withholding all would cause for someone to collapse every now and then and actually spill whatever they've had bottled up. Though Mark doesn't ever do that, his body and mind is very tolerable when it comes to these things. Although he does need something keep himself from breaking down, which would be a distraction.

Donghyuck is the perfect distraction and Mark means that in the most loving way possible. The younger can't clue in to emotions and can't comprehend or empathize with another's feelings, not for the lack of heart because Mark knows he god damn tries his best with everyone. Donghyuck has this special ability to keep people living in the moment. He makes you feel grateful for the little things.

For Mark, looking through a book on technology and immersing himself in knowledge of zero relevance is the perfect escape. He understands that Donghyuck knows he's not feeling _happy_ and he knows this is the younger showing Mark something that does make him happy. Comfort comes in all shapes and forms and efforts. Comfort is comfort as long as it is enough for the individual.

Taeyong was always _enough_ and still is. He doesn't have him anymore and it's time to give credit to Donghyuck too because that kid will always be _enough_ as well.

Taeyong sacrificed everything for Mark, what could another child possibly sacrifice for Mark? Everything too apparently.

Mark responds well to physical comfort, Donghyuck doesn't. Regardless Donghyuck is willing to latch a hand onto the other, zip up his coat and wipe his cuts. Which is an anomaly considering that Donghyuck could be reduced to a mess, balled up, rocking back and forth and breathing deeply just because a teacher placed their hand on his shoulder for much longer than needed.

So _yes_ another child can possibly sacrifice a great amount for another too.

"Hey Mark, my mom wants to know if the man who dropped you off and picked you up at my house was your dad?"

"Ah no that would have been my brother."

"Oh I see, she said he's very nice and considerate, something about being handsome as well."

Mark laughs, how Donghyuck can just say things that most likely weren't suppose to be repeated is always amusing. Much to the other's dismay because he doesn't get why people laugh.

"He's an amazing brother."

"Can I meet him one day Mark? I like nice people, I've never been around a lot of nice people but if he's related to you then he's definitely good."

Mark's smile falls a little, "he's super nice, I think he'd love to meet you too."

His  response paints a grin on Donghyuck's face, it makes Mark feel good, _see hyung people love you even when they don't know you!_

Donghyuck flips open the book and Mark loses himself in the words.

 

~~

 

The walk back to Jaehyun's from Taeyong's _old_ home is quiet. Taeyong observes the stiffened shoulders of the younger and worries that it's his presence causing the strain.

"Jaehyun is this too much?"

Jaehyun looks over at him, blank faced.

"Me staying over," Taeyong clarifies.

"Oh...no not at all, it's not too much. Am I too stiff? It's not you if you're wondering." Jaehyun rolls his shoulders to loosen up. "I've just been...reminding of something dissatisfying is all."

Taeyong hums. "If you want to talk I'm all ears."

Jaehyun just nods.

 

~~

 

Taeyong takes a shower first, he cleans himself all up, towel drys his hair then dresses in loose fitting pants and shirt. He plops himself down on Jaehyun's sofa and watches the night sky outside the large window to the left of him.

He's caught in a daze and misses the clicking of the bathroom door down the hall. So naturally he's a little shocked when he turns and sees Jaehyun in basketball shorts and completely topless.

Bruises litter the younger one's abdomen and sides and neck. Some definitely from fights, others probably from business. It irks Taeyong, to see pain and claim of others.

Jaehyun doesn't catch Taeyong's stare as he towels at his hair while walking towards the living area. He misses Taeyong making his way in front of him as well.

Taeyong halts the other in his path just before Jaehyun's bedroom. He reaches out and pads a finger along a bruise on his collarbone. He rubs at it gently, _Jaehyun belongs to...to..._ and suddenly Taeyong replaces his finger with his mouth. He kisses softly at the bruise and he hears the sharp intake of breath from Jaehyun. He can't believe what he's doing, and how quickly he's chose to do it.

Regardless, they haven't pulled apart so Taeyong takes this as an okay and he begins to suck a new hickey beside the old one. His hands find purchase on Jaehyun's hips to keep steady and the younger tangles his fingers in Taeyong's hair.

He pulls away and admires the newly forming love bite. He glances up at Jaehyun's face and it's covered in unsureness and hesitance. He's thinking that Jaehyun wasn't really expecting him to do something so forward. _Believe me, I wasn't expecting this either._

He decides to surprise the other again by pushing him lightly into the wall beside the door to Jaehyun's room. They're still looking at each other but Taeyong is tired of waiting, his impatience expanding rapidly. He wants to drown himself, take a moment to forget about life and his responsibilities at whatever cost. So he claims Jaehyun's lips, he sucks on the taller's lower lip, tugging softly and letting go just to recapture it.

It takes a moment but Jaehyun finally snakes his arms around the smaller's waist and pulls their bodies close. His lips start responding too and Taeyong feels a tongue slide along the seam of his mouth which he gladly parts.

He twists his fingers in Jaehyun's damp locks and welcomes his tongue that lazily drags over his own.

Noses bump as they work to find a better angle and Jaehyun's grip tightens on the elders hips. Thumbs rubbing over Taeyong's exposed skin as his loose pants slide down slightly. The close distance between them creates heat and Taeyong shivers when Jaehyun's cool hand slides up his spine breaking the fever. The towel Jaehyun had finds a new home on the floor.

Jaehyun tastes minty and his post shower body has Taeyong itching to dishevel it all. He hasn't done this before and he knows by the way Jaehyun is kissing him that he's not in any control but he does know somewhat as to where he wants to go next. So his hands find Jaehyun's waistband, thumbs dipping in, almost dragging the fabric down before his wrists are encircled.

They break apart and Taeyong peers up at Jaehyun, he's breathing heavy, eyes still closed and cheeks flushed. He looks like he's enjoyed it all until now?

"Taeyong, I think we shouldn't..."

Taeyong understands that maybe this has something to do with all those old hickeys and the fact that Jaehyun's isn't entirely his.

"I'm still doing things—I don't wanna treat you like—I don't want this to be compared too...

"It's okay I understand. Your words are enough for me, it's okay. I'm sorry for coming on to you like that I just thought...well it doesn't matter." Taeyong feels disappointed but it's just one of those things and they can work out the details later. For now they end it. Walk away but not regretfully.

Taeyong sleeps on the couch and Jaehyun in his room.

It's going to take time, things need to change, they'll get there, they'll figure it out.


	17. Q.

There’s something so... so unnatural in the feeling that amounts from awakening in a foreign bed, or in Taeyong’s case, a foreign couch.

Taeyong sits up, blanket sliding down to pool at his waist. He twists his back, cracking it, he sighs, conflicted. _I’ve been putting this off for too long know._ It’s his first thought of the day.

His phone looks like his grave but he grabs it from the table anyway. He pulls himself up off the couch, walking towards the counter, awaiting his phone to turn on. There’s a hand written note on the counter, familiar to that of last time.

 

_Sorry Taeyong, I had to rearrange some appointments, I’ll_

_be back around noon. Also there’s left over pancakes in the_

_fridge, please don’t sue me if they make you sick_

_-Jaehyun_

Taeyong smiles, there’s an odd charm within the way Jaehyun’s writing reflects his emotionless speech. Others would find the soullessness unattractive but Taeyong finds it all endearing. _There’ll never be a man who can compare to the oddity that is Jaehyun. Nope, not in a million years._

His phone finally greets him with its blue lit screen. His lock screen is a picture of Mark sitting on the porch steps of his old home. The younger has ice cream all over his chin and cheeks. It was his sixth birthday and Taeyong brought him home the treat from work at the convenience store. Taeyong spares no more than a second looking at it because he can’t afford to, it’s just too painful.

He scrolls into his contacts which is all of two: Johnny and Jaehyun. There’s a brief pause in time as his thumb hovers over Johnny’s digital name. The apartment is still, frozen, peaceful and then there’s a rustle. A tree outside bows in the wind, the leaky tap cries another tear and the cooling component of the fridge sighs. Taeyong wakes up from the worldly delay and presses down on the device.

Three dial tones later and he is connected.

“Taeyong?”

“Yeah, it’s me, Taeyong.”

There’s silence on the other line and then suddenly a repetition of his name but it’s oh so broken. _Johnny is oh so broken_ and Taeyong can’t solve anything simply through tower signals.

“Johnny I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, just tell me what you need and I’ll do it.”

Taeyong’s fingers grip around the edge of the counter, he desperately attempts to keep himself upright. Johnny’s broken off sobs threaten to bring him to his knees.

“Taeyong I need you here,” Johnny hiccups. “I really need you.”

Taeyong’s hand covers his eyes, shielding his watering irises from nobody but the heavy air. “Tomorrow morning, I’ll be there Johnny, I’ll be there. I promise.”

“Thank you,” it’s a whisper, “I’m sorry, listen I don’t think I can talk to you anymore right now, if my mom sees me like this she’ll collapse again.” Johnny strains a laugh, “I gotta get myself together again.”

Taeyong struggles with letting Johnny go, he’s not sure if he should. Then again he probably won’t be able to pick himself up if he talks any longer as well. “Johnny you...idiot, I love you, I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah, see you soon, I...love you too man.”

 

~~

 

“You _give_ it well Jae but fuck do you ever _take_ it like a good bitch.”

Jaehyun makes a quiet grunt. He’s never been vocal during sex or loud in any manner truthfully but to appease this client he’ll give some sort of response.

The friction inside his body is pleasurable, that is an undeniable fact but the words in his mind are another story. His chest constricts in anxiety feeling like rope burns running hot along his beating heart. _I want to be good for Taeyong, I don’t want this anymore._

His intentions are pure and true but fall so far from reach. They appear unattainable. Without obtaining money from these jobs how can he pay off his father’s drug money, how can he keep living on his own?

With this job though, how can he have Taeyong? That’s right, he can’t.

_Because nobody wants a whore, a slut, a partner who sleeps around just to get by. Even if Taeyong wanted that, I wouldn’t fucking give him that._

He’s dying to be better for the older. He can’t and it’s so fucking bitter because now it was all false hope. The kisses. The new living arrangement. It’s all false, fake, phony.

_How could I ever go home and hold him close when I use or let myself be used like this._

The rope knots over and over again, his heart is weeping. It aches so badly and Jaehyun whimpers. To the ears of the client it’s a whimper of satisfaction. For Jaehyun that was a cry for a help.

_Release me from this hell, my God I want to hold Taeyong and never let him go._

~~

 

Mark makes sure his uniform sleeves cover his wrists fully. With a gentle tug on the fabric he is satisfied with its length.

He knows Taeyong never over looked the possibility of _this_ happening when he was forced to leave. Hell it was probably the reason for so much distress and it all makes sense to Mark now.

There is the thought that Taeyong was able to handle _this_ for Mark’s sake so he too can do it. Right now the major problem is his paranoia over every little thing. He’s scared of the teachers, the other students and of Donghyuck’s hazel eyes. Those eyes see everything.

They are not allowed to see _this_ though. Never.

He’s a smart kid and he’s disappointed that he couldn’t calculate this outcome quicker.

He buttons his cuffs tighter and Donghyuck’s knee bounces faster as he sees Mark’s fingers shake. _Quicker, Mark, quicker before he sees._

When an abuser loses their object of abuse they’ll hunt for a new one. Mark ~~is~~ was a sparkling unused canvas.

 

~~

 

When Jaehyun trudges in through his apartment door his senses are delighted with the smell of butter on pan and melting cheese. He inches in and sees Taeyong, hand on the pan, humming softly. Jaehyun has to pinch his thigh because this is oddly reminiscent of those cheesy dramas he used to watch with his mom when they were in the hospital. _Jaehyun this is not a fucking drama but...that’s not explaining the domestic scene before me._

“Taeyong?”

The older turns his head around slightly. “Hey,” he grins, “Not much to work with but I got hungry and thought you’d be too. Also the pancakes...well never mind those.”

 _I’ll ignore that blatant insult to my cooking thank you very much._ There are bags under Taeyong’s eyes, a deep purple colouring the skin. He watches the older place a grilled cheese on a plate in front of one of the bar stools. Jaehyun gets motioned to sit down and eat. So he does.

He looks at the meal before him and it looks absolutely delicious regardless of the fact it’s on almost stale bread coupled with factory cheese. He glances back up at Taeyong before he touches it and he finds eyes already on him.

“Go ahead what are you waiting for?”

_I’m waiting to be worthy._

 

~~

 

"I'm going to have to leave town for a little bit tonight."  
  
They’re sitting on the couch; Jaehyun has pulled out his book from English class to read. Taeyong is watching some game show he put on for him. Jaehyun takes note of how strong Taeyong's voice is. As if he was merely leaving on business trip.   
  
"For the...funeral?” Jaehyun speaks forward with caution.  
  
Taeyong smiles, presumably at Jaehyun's hesitance. He nods and hums.   
  
Taeyong collects himself and walks over to the kitchen to wash the dishes. Jaehyun puts his book down and gets up, cutting Taeyong off right before the sink. "I'll do it," he whispers, "Rest right now. What time are you planning on heading out?"  
  
Taeyong cards a hand through his white strands, his dark roots have become gravely more evident. Jaehyun's body tingles as he watches the tresses fall gently back into place.  
  
"I'm thinking of catching the nine o'clock train. The trip will be three hours, I'll arrive late but I don't think I have to worry about waking them."  
  
Jaehyun nods, having sleepless nights after a death is an all too real experience for him. Jaehyun soaks the pan, grabbing some dish soap as well. He scrubs away at what's crusted on the pan still. "I'll take you to the station tonight." _It’s the least I can do I guess._  
  
There’s an abrupt but light squeeze at his shoulder. Jaehyun glances behind and finds a stuttering Taeyong, too shy to catch his eyes.  
  
"You don't have to," the older stammers out.  
  
Jaehyun considers Taeyong’s situation in all of its glory, the death, Taeyong's relationship to this person and his friend Johnny. Jaehyun goes out on an absolute limb when he says, "But you'd appreciate it right?"  
  
Taeyong's hand leaves Jaehyun's shoulder and the younger thinks he may have fucked up and that Taeyong honestly didn't want his accompaniment.   
  
"I would," it's barely audible and Jaehyun can only confirm the words when Taeyong looks up at him, "I really would appreciate it."  
  
Jaehyun's lost track of everything because he's drowning in Taeyong's soft eyes. The tap water is definitely getting too hot for his hand but he's not going to do anything about. Not now because Taeyong is cupping his face so carefully.   
  
Their faces are so close; Jaehyun swallows the lump in his throat. He is getting ready to tell Taeyong, that like last time, this probably isn't something they should be doing. He can't find the words though because Taeyong pulls his face down further and the elder's silky lips are gracing his forehead.  
  
Jaehyun flutters his eyes closed enjoying the warm and comforting press of Taeyong's sweet mouth on his temple.  
  
His chest stings a little. This feeling is strikingly familiar. It’s because the action isn't sexual, a forehead kiss is innocent and pure and loving. So it's not wrong that he does but he thinks of his mom. Jaehyun considers that maybe he's been missing her kisses too.   
  
Taeyong pulls away; his lingering warmth spreads all throughout Jaehyun's body. The older gives a weak smile too which Jaehyun returns in the like. Taeyong pulls a pack of cigarettes out from his back pocket. He shakes the pack, "Join me when you're done?" He cocks his head in the direction of the balcony.  
  
Jaehyun brings his eyes to the floor still a little dazed, "Sure."  
  
Taeyong's lips curl up again and then he turns away hand rummaging into another pocket for a lighter. The smaller male opens the sliding door and steps out, closing it quietly behind him.  
  
Jaehyun turns back to his almost burnt hand submerged in water. Christ almighty. He turns the tap off and continues scrubbing. He likes to take his time with the dishes but today his hand is scrubbing at the speed of light.  
  
He may have caught Taeyong's tantalizing silhouette in the corner of his eye. Maybe it's the gentle breeze that's swimming through the elder's hair or the occasional puff of smog that escapes when he breathes out.   
  
Jaehyun doesn't stare for long because Taeyong's image is promoting thoughts he's still uncomfortable with. He wants to know how smoke tastes on Taeyong’s lips and how crisp his shirt feels against his palms. He wants to know if the wind makes his silky strands even softer. _But I'm still so undeserving._

~~

 

“I think I have everything.”

Jaehyun feels funny. His stomach is twisting but it’s oddly pleasant. Could there be a correlation between this feeling and how Taeyong looks? The answer would be: yes.

Taeyong’s legs are swimming in light grey sweat pants, his black jacket reaches his knees, it’s adorned with four black buttons and the cuffs are frayed from years of wear. Jaehyun’s red scarf is wrapped tightly underneath the elder’s chin. It’s certainly a look. A look Jaehyun is very, very fond of.

Taeyong’s fingers clench around his backpack straps.

“You’ve checked through everything exactly four times. It’ll be okay.”

Taeyong nods but his eyes don’t find Jaehyun’s. His mind seems to be off in some other realm. He appears so distant.

The train station is chilly, slightly elevated so the wind runs thicker. It’s empty at this time since everyone has finally made it home from work a few hours prior. Only a couple streetlights illuminating the area work and fill the space. One flickers a couple meters down and the atmosphere reflects the shitty town they live in.

Their breath clouds in the air.

“I brought a second pack of cigarettes with me. I bought it for Johnny but he doesn’t even smoke. I’m thinking he might want to now though. Is that sick of me Jaehyun? Is it disgusting that the only comforting thing I can think of doing for him is buying him a pack of cigarettes? What am I going to do,” Taeyong’s eyes are glistening, “Hug him and go ‘sorry he’s dead have a fucking light it’ll take the edge off’?”

Taeyong takes in a deep breath, “I’m so fucking tired of crying Jaehyun and I’m tired of having no god damn clue about anything anymore.” Taeyong’s head falls.

Jaehyun looks up at the bare night sky. It’s cloudy tonight just like Taeyong’s mind. “I think you’re being too hard on yourself and I also think you know that is true.”

“Am I?” Taeyong laughs, turning his head up to look at the younger.

Jaehyun nods. “You know what I’m tired of Taeyong?”

Taeyong shakes his head.

“I’m tired of looking at you be everything I wish I could be. I’m sick of how empathetic you are and wishing I could take an ounce of it for myself. I hate how you can express your feelings. You think you’re shit for buying you’re friend cigarettes? I wouldn’t even fucking call my friend Taeyong. I’d run so far away, never looking back because how can I console someone if I don’t even know how to start with myself?”

There’s a moment of silence as they each digest what’s been said.

“Jaehyun I think you underestimate yourself on the part about expression.”

Jaehyun simply shrugs.

The train is moving fast on its tracks, the noisy hum of it catches both boys’ attention. When it arrives, the squeaking breaks causes a frenzy and Jaehyun doesn’t quite catch what’s happening in time. Taeyong now has his jacket collar bundled in his pale hands, pulling Jaehyun down slightly. Jaehyun leans forward with the sudden momentum and their lips connect.

It’s rushed and Taeyong pulls back with an eyeful of guilt. Jaehyun doesn’t want the other leaving with regret so he pulls Taeyong back in whispering, “It’s okay,” then connecting them together once again. Taeyong looked tired but the kiss is effort filled. Their lips are pressing hard, tongue running along seams; it’s a scene that would mortify many if they hadn’t been alone.

They pull apart breaking the connection of saliva.

Taeyong is readying an apology but Jaehyun has his thumb already swiping over the elder’s bottom lip to keep him silenced.

“No apologies tonight, I wanted that too. Now don’t miss your train. Your friend needs you. You’ll take care of him just fine. Mark and I are living proof of your excellent consolation.”

“Okay,” Taeyong lets out with a breath and his face relaxes.

Jaehyun watches as the doors close and the train begins to drift away slowly. He feels like he’s just waved his happiness goodbye for the second time in his short life.

 

~~

 

** From: Unknown @9:28pm **

_I have to thank ur old man for giving me ur number, easier to stay in touch now, im short on cash again don’t make us hunt you down jae ;)_


	18. R.

Johnny has always been heads taller than Taeyong, when they hugged it was more common to have Taeyong resting on Johnny’s chest. As of right now though, Johnny is hunched over and bundled within Taeyong’s arms listening to his smaller friend’s heartbeat.

Taeyong had barely made it in the door before Johnny’s hands were on him. He had to use all his strength to drag the taller with him into the living area so they could sit on the couch.

Currently he’s leaning back into the armrest cradling his friend, stoking his wispy strands of brunette, trying to maintain his own breath. His body shakes when a tremor racks through Johnny’s. The front of his shirt is soaked in tears and warm breath.

This isn’t pain that can be eased, this is deep and it’s a scalding hot piece of iron imprinting an infecting burn upon the skin. This pain is going to leave a scar.

Taeyong rubs Johnny’s back praying for the other’s breathing to slow. There’s a couple more sobs that fall from an open mouth before a voice cracks through.

It’s weak and it’s simply, “Taeyong...Taeyong,” over and over again.

“I know, I know...I know Johnny, I’m here,” Taeyong’s voice bends, breaks and shakes. _What can I say, what will be enough?_

“He’s gone Taeyong, he’s gone,” Johnny cries, his voice mixed with abrupt hiccups. His hold on Taeyong’s body tightens like he’s the only thing he has left. “How am I gonna take care of mom...Taeyong how...I live so far...and work,” Johnny’s eyes are squeezed shut tightly.

Taeyong hushes the taller by cupping his face. He brings Johnny’s gaze up to his own and his thumbs brush away the teary streams adorning Johnny’s cheeks. The brunette has deep wells under his eyes, his upper eyelids hooding his vision and his nose is burning red. _Fuck Johnny, when was the last time you’ve slept?_

Taeyong continues thumbing softly at the boy’s cheeks, calming him before he speaks. “Johnny we’re going to have all the time in the world,” he pauses making sure the other is listening, “we’re going to have all the time in the world to figure out how to glue and piece back our lives. It could take a whole life time and that’s okay because at some point it’ll just be sanding out the edges. What I don’t want us to spend our whole lives doing is mourning.”

Johnny’s eyes are glistening; his softly parted lips depict a look of wonder within his expression.

Taeyong continues, “That’s why I want you to cry now with no worries. Cry your heart out, mourn him, and make him feel all the love we had for him. Then give him the biggest thank you by drying your eyes and living life. Grieve now so we can go on living? Right?”

Johnny absorbs the question.

Taeyong takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, “Because believe me Johnny I can’t afford to spend the rest of my life watching you grieve and waste away your life. I can’t, I love you too much.”

A few tears slip from Taeyong’s eyes, Johnny’s as well, as they stare for a moment at each other. It takes time until the words finally sink into Johnny’s mind and heart.

Taeyong waits patiently for any sort of response, time freezes all together as Taeyong tries to predict what’s about to happen. Johnny begins to move. He couldn’t predict, he could never predict this. Johnny leans forward and presses his lips onto Taeyong’s. It’s light at first and if he pulled away they could play it off as an accident but Taeyong’s stillness gives the other confidence. Johnny presses his lips more firmly against Taeyong’s.

His mind goes blank. Exactly how do you respond to your childhood friend, your crutch, practically your brother, kissing you? _Kiss him back?_ Taeyong thinks, because maybe this is what Johnny needs. Maybe he needs to feel a second form of intimacy right now and that’s okay. He isn’t harming anyone just maybe his own pride. Taeyong kisses back, chastely; he lets Johnny get lost in the feeling.

It lasts for thirty seconds. Thirty seconds Taeyong will admit to finding pleasurable but Johnny is another story. He pulls back harshly, fear and guilt contorting his face. He brings his hands up to hide himself and begins sobbing loudly, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” He cries out over and over. “I didn’t mean—

“Yes you did,” Taeyong cuts in and pulls Johnny back into him slowly, “and that’s okay, you didn’t do anything wrong Johnny.”

Johnny stutters against his chest, a few more apologies gracing his lips. He’s shaking like a leaf hinting that he can’t quite accept Taeyong’s acceptance of the action.

So Taeyong presses on adamantly. “Johnny look at me,” He tugs the taller one’s hands away, “It’s okay.” Taeyong knocks dumbly on Johnny’s skull with little sound effects tumbling out of his mouth. “Don’t start thinking stupid things, you needed that and nobody’s hurt because of it, do you understand me?”

Johnny nods his head and sniffles, “Okay.” It comes out hoarse but nonetheless he’s stopped freaking out.

Taeyong’s heart is hammering like crazy in his chest. _Oh what the fuck was that, jesus fucking Christ. Breathe Taeyong, breathe. It was just a kiss, something he needed. It wasn’t wrong._ He forces himself to swallow down his worries for now. He doesn’t think there’ll be any consequences amounting from this but he still can’t help but feel a little shaken.

Taeyong glances at the clock on the wall for a distraction or whatever. It reads three in the morning.

The night is still too young for all of this and Taeyong begins to think the cigarette purchase was one of his greatest choices yet.

 

~~

 

Jaehyun wakes up on time to get ready for school. He’s only showed up spottily these past few weeks and it’s something he isn’t proud of.  He’s not doing well in his classes and he really needs to be. When he was in elementary school he had always tried his best to succeed. It was never his fault that his retaining capability for class lessons was weaker than those of his peers. What _was_ his fault was letting that get to him and slacking off in more and more subjects as he aged up.

He takes his seat in the back of the class, eyes down, head in hands. He has zero school friends and it stems from the embarrassment of failing a grade. He’s older than every other kid in the class and he should have been a graduate last year. He’s almost over the shame of it all. He’d feel better if he could push his grades up more.

He fixes his attention to the front of the classroom as his homeroom teacher walks in. He spends the rest of the day in his most attentive state until the dismissal bell rings.

 

The snow is melting away a little. The world is becoming a little less white and Jaehyun is fond of that thought. Spring was indeed his mother’s favourite season after all. He notices his association with his mother and fond thoughts growing lately. _I seem to always be thinking of her now._ He’s not annoyed at himself by the fact that she’s on his mind often. He just finds it a tad strange because he’s repressed those memories of her so tightly that he shouldn’t be able to illustrate her face so clearly.

Something’s changed; his expressions have become a little less dull than usual. He just doesn’t have enough lustre to be afraid yet.

While Jaehyun’s emotions are having a revolution he isn’t quite aware of where he’s headed. His home is behind him but he’s marching at a rapidly increasing pace. What planted the idea to head this way is beyond him. He’s entered a part of town he hasn’t been in six years. It makes sense; he hasn’t really needed to see his dad in that time frame. The texts were always enough.

His feet are carrying out a silent task. There must have been a breaking point but Jaehyun can’t decipher what it was. _I need to do this, it needs to be done._ Jaehyun has had impulse problems when he was a little younger, people considered it was just a product of youthful creativity but it’s grown up to be a monster that chews away at simple reason and decision making. Here he is now, life a blur, actions all in slow motion.

Before he knows it he’s climbing a familiar flight of stairs. His whole being is in a bizarre frenzy and each tap of his foot slamming against a step has a new memory replaying his mind: _carrying in groceries with mom, holding her hand and hopping up the steps, helping mom up when she fell on the stairs, screaming for dad to help, mom on a stretcher being rushed down the never ending flights._

Then the memories shut off, like a switch to a T.V.

Jaehyun’s in front of a door. The yellow paint chipping away reveals a warm grey colour underneath. His chest is heaving like crazy, he doesn’t even knock. His first mistake, maybe? He wasn’t ready but at the same time he was kind of expecting the scene before him.

It’s definitely his dad, no doubt but there’s a half naked woman on his lap. Their attention is drawn to him at the door and the woman squeaks, covering her chest.

“Leave,” Jaehyun mutters, “please.” He’s not here to waste time, at least that’s what he’s telling himself.

She nods and grabs her shirt from the floor. She slips past Jaehyun quietly, shutting the door.

His dad is slightly wide-eyed but he relaxes and forms a grin with his lips. “Jaehy—

“I want to make this quick,” Jaehyun cuts off.

“Tsk tsk, is that anyway you speak to your father,” his father chuckles grabbing at a pack of smokes on the coffee table he offers one to Jaehyun but gets declined.

“It wouldn’t be if you acted like one,” Jaehyun states dryly.

“Fair enough,” The older man laughs again but coughs and begins to wheeze.

Jaehyun observes the man from head to toe. He looks nothing like how he’s remembered him. The drugs have made him frail and the cigarettes have turned his teeth yellow. This is certainly not the man that held him close at night when his mom was at the hospital. This indefinitely wasn’t the man that carried him on his shoulders on his way to school. This is the man who took the wrong path after a damaging family death.

Jaehyun has long been tired of trying to carve out a new road for him. “I’m cutting you off.”

“You’re bluffing.”

“I’m not.”

The atmosphere swerves again, the lamp flickers in the corner of the room. Another apartment door shuts and echoes in the hallway. They speak as if almost half a decade hasn’t sprouted between them.

“What would your mother think of this?”

“Don’t you dare fucking bring her into this,” Jaehyun’s hands ball into fists but his voice remains smooth, “Who are you to decide her opinions? Considering I don’t think this is what she meant when she told me to take care of you. In fact I think I’ve been holding onto those words for too long now.” Jaehyun stands up a little taller begging for more confidence from his posture. “We’re done, I’m done.”

His father laughs then wheezes again, “If that’s what you want then. I don’t expect much anymore from a faggot son.”

Jaehyun closes his eyes; he refuses to let the aggravation overflow within him. He falters and storms forward, growling, he grips the neckline of his father’s shirt. “Who told you?”

His father raises his hands in innocence, “Hey don’t be mad at me, that hag of a nurse was the one blubbering about you earning money from another man’s cock.” He coughs once more before continuing. “She was on quite the mission, hoping I’d come around and get you out of doing that kind of business. I refused of course, I thought you’d come around on your own. Mommy wouldn’t be very proud of a gay whore, would she?”

“YOU SHUT YOUR GOD DAMN MOUTH!” Jaehyun connects his flat palm against the left cheek of his father. “YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME GOD DAMMIT. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH FOR YOU!” He’s yelling at the top of his lungs because his heart hurts, his father’s words hurt but he has nothing to say that can deny what he spews. “I’m sick of this, I’ve done all of this for you, dad. I hoped you’d see that but I’m fucking wrong as usual. I’m just a stupid faggot of a son,” he whispers. “I’m done now, it’s over, and you don’t have to worry about having such a disappointment tarnishing your almighty reputation.”

Jaehyun lets go of his father, he spares no ounce of empathy for the tears leaking from his father’s eyes.

Jaehyun opens his mouth one more time, facing the door, “She died and I needed you the most but I don’t need you anymore.”

When he shuts the door behind himself it is the loudest sound he’s heard in his life.

 

He’s got nothing left in him. His energy is depleted to zero. His ability to comprehend the world around him falters and when his dad’s drug gang comes rounding the corner to face him he nearly collapses. The only silver lining is he can get this all over with in one day. _How convenient._ He falls into the tight alleyway just before the corner, knowing they’ve already spotted him.

The men approach him and the usual main guy speaks, “Always got us on your heels kid. You got the cash with you?”

Jaehyun rummages in his pocket and pulls out ninety dollars. He places it in the guy’s hand, “This is the last time I pay for him.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m not paying his drug money anymore,” Jaehyun states a little louder. It feels awfully too soon to be saying this all when he literally just broke the news to his fucking waste of a dad.

“Oho is the little boy having tantrum, doesn’t want to be daddy’s money maker anymore?”

 _Snap._ There it is. Jaehyun’s absolute breaking point. Jaehyun pulls out his phone then smashes it on the ground. Its backing snaps off and the screen shatters. “Enough!” He yells out, “I’m fucking sick of this all, I’m so fucking tired. Don’t fucking call me, text me, hunt me down. You can do whatever the fuck you want to him, I’m done. He’s on his own I’m tired of being his protector.” Jaehyun huffs, his shoulders rise and fall rapidly. Every bit of this explanation is ripping him apart at the seams.

The men look at him, baffled by his outburst. They come to the realization that Jaehyun wasn’t joking. “Well kid we’re surprised you stuck up for the loser this long. You’re honestly not going to give a shit with what we do to him now, you’ll stay away?”

Jaehyun nods, “It’s his problem now. Do whatever the fuck you want to him when he doesn’t pay.”

The men murmur amongst themselves. Their leader steps forward slightly, “If we ever hear that your word of mouth put us in a pinch we’ll be on your heels, got it?”

“Figured as much,” Jaehyun raises his eyebrows in mock surprise.

The man grins, “We’re only being nice because you’ve only fucked up with us once kid and because if the cops found out we were dealing with you when you were a minor that wouldn’t end pretty. It was wonderful doing business with you Jae, can’t say the same for your old man.” The leader turns on his heel signaling the other three men to follow. They trample over Jaehyun’s broken phone parts as they leave.

Jaehyun’s back hits the brick wall behind him hard. His knees give out from the exhausting confrontations and he slides down onto his butt. His head falls into his hands and he knows he wants to cry but he can’t. He doesn’t know what tears of relief are; neither does he know those of guilt. He’s freed himself from paying copious amounts of money for a fucking deadbeat of a parent but somehow he knows he’s just set his father’s death up.

This is where the second guessing comes in. _Was I just being selfish?_ Jaehyun stops himself mid thought. _Not tonight._ He clambers up onto his feet and heads home, the idea of nursing a cold beer and half a used blunt he’s stashed for occasions is satisfying. It’ll take all this self deprecation away even if it’s just for a moment.

It’s all he’s got because his drug of a choice is a three hour train ride away and not really meant to be sponge for all his drenching troubles.

 

~~

 

Johnny gags, hacking up all the smoke in his lungs, “Fuck these are nasty,” he chuckles once regaining composure.

Taeyong smiles and takes a drag of his own. The night is chilly and his ass freezes as soon as he sits down on the porch. It’s an oddly familiar situation. He watches the other take another drag this time handling it like a pro. _Should I feel proud for him?_

Johnny wipes away at the snot forming under his nose, “So tell me Tae what’s up with you lately? There’s that guy, what’s his name...Jae, Jae—something—

“Jaehyun,” Taeyong whispers.

“Ah that would be it, tell me about him.” Johnny can see the obvious reluctance on Taeyong’s face but still the boy with white hair humors him anyway.

Taeyong briefly recounts their first few meetings like nothing but he hesitates when he comes upon his suicide attempt. He doesn’t want Johnny to be upset knowing he wasn’t there for the other but he knows it’s poor of him to keep it a secret. He continues along shakily, he watches Johnny slump along the railing, cursing under his breath.

Taeyong reassures him that he’s been feeling better and he goes on about how he’s staying with Jaehyun right now. He finishes recounting everything and the two are left wallowing in the leftover stale air of the night.

“Taeyong, you’re telling me you’ve known this guy for about a month, he has possible gang related issues, he’s triggered an attempt of suicide out of you, he’s still in fucking high school and you might possibly be fonder of him than you’d like to be?”

Taeyong curls in on himself, “I’m sorry Johnny, I should be better than this.”

“Taeyong,” Johnny tries again much gentler, “I care about you a lot. The person you choose to love intimately doesn’t concern me unless they’re hurting you. Now suicide is a huge fucking deal but from what I understand it was a major misunderstanding and your parents had a lot to play in it too. That’s why I’m not going to write him off completely.” Johnny takes another skillful drag. “Also because he’s seemed to have done some good things for you and Mark when I couldn’t and I’m definitely grateful for that.”

“Johnny—

“Don’t cry Taeyong,” Johnny crouches next to him and pulls him into a warm embrace, “I want you to be happy too. I want you to not be scared to love other people. When you spoke about him there was this light in your eyes Tae, they sparkled.”

Taeyong curls deeper into Johnny’s hold feeling the vibrations from his voice off his chest.

“You can love anyone you want; you don’t need anyone’s permission. Love him Tae because chances are he loves you in return. If he ever fucks up though, I have your back, okay?”

Taeyong giggles, “I know you do, you always have.”

They share another moment just listening to the world revolve. Their senses are filled with their urban surroundings.  Johnny butts out his cigarette as does Taeyong.

“I have one more thing to ask, just to keep my mind elsewhere.”

Taeyong stays silent urging Johnny on.

“Have you ever thought about gaining custody of Mark?”


	19. S.

Taeyong rubs his hands together to gain some warmth. Johnny’s words sit like a heavy weight upon his shoulders. _Yes, I have thought of it but I’m not sure if it could actually happen..._

Johnny rests his arms on the porch railing. “I think it’s worth a shot since you know, your parents, they’re probably...

It’s the elephant in the room that neither of them want to bring up but _yes_ Taeyong thinks, _the probability of them doing that to Mark is really high._ Taeyong’s brows furrow and his hand comes up to smooth out the creases they make on his forehead. “I’ve thought about it Johnny but if I’m being honest I don’t even know where to start.”

Johnny hums, “It’s not easy that’s for sure.”

Taeyong just nods, he doesn’t doubt Johnny’s knowledge on the topic. The taller works as a paralegal, they deal with small claims but are constantly in hearing distance of lawyers. Johnny’s worked hard at his job and he wouldn’t bring this up if he knew he couldn’t help Taeyong.

“Well let’s just break it down for the sake of whatever. I’ve got nothing else to talk about, as long as you’re okay with talking about it.” Johnny manoeuvres himself so he’s sitting beside Taeyong on the porch steps.

Taeyong pulls another cigarette out from the box.  He tilts it over, offering it to Johnny who politely declines. The lighter clicks lighting it up and he places the stick on the edge of his parted lips. He puts the box away and settles himself, finally conjuring up a response, “Its fine, this really is something I should put into motion.”

Johnny smiles, “Good, that’s the spirit!” It’s funny the way his voice sounds light and airy as if this were all an illusion. The idea of them being in their own little bubble and the rest of the world being put on pause seems too real. Grief does weird things at odd times; it’s probably the reason Taeyong smiles back.

Johnny begins, “Okay so you’re always going to need proof of some sort. In this kind of case we’ll need proof that Mark living with your parents is a threat to his life and well being. This may be tricky because you aren’t at the house right now to witness anything. Which means the chance still stands that Mark is completely fine,” Johnny takes Taeyong’s free hand in his own, “but I think we both know that they’re probably...

Taeyong’s face visibly pales and he feels sick. He inhales deeply, lets the smoke embrace his lungs. “Yeah,” Taeyong replies, his voice fades away.

Johnny continues on, “Once we have substantial proof we can file an application to court.”

Taeyong snorts, _if only it were that easy._

Johnny says nothing in turn; he understands the complication of this all.

“My income is shit, I’m living with a student and my mental health is drowning deeper as we speak.” Taeyong takes another wicked inhale of his cigarette.

“Alright and that’s okay—

“NO, it's most definitely not OKAY, especially not now that you’ve got my mind riled up about Mark being abused Johnny!”

Johnny ducks his head slightly in shame.

“I—I,” Taeyong starts, “I’m sorry for yelling, I’m just desperately searching my mind for shortcuts but I’m not finding anything Johnny. Fuck.” He pinches the bridge of his nose to suppress some of the pressure in his head.

“Don’t apologize; I’m being way too insensitive about this.” Johnny squeezes Taeyong’s hand gently. “Let me think, there’s bound to be some answers.”

So they sit and they think. It takes a whole ten minutes and Taeyong is ready to give up maybe have a meltdown and wither away.

Johnny stops the train in its tracks and jumps to his feet, startling Taeyong. “I’ve got it! Taeyong you have your diploma in childhood education right?” The smaller confirms the question. “Perfect, if you’re willing to quit the job at the variety store I might have the best opportunity yet.”

Taeyong cocks his head to the side inquiring Johnny to continue.

“My cousin works as a Kindergarten teacher and their school is heavily over populated and they’re looking for assistants. Correct me if I’m wrong but that diploma qualifies you to work in schools right?”

“I’m positive it does, I’ve never applied to a school though because they’ve never been hiring in my area.”

“Well this school is an international one. It’s close about twenty minutes by bus from your place. How’s your English.”

Taeyong scoffs and he steps on his cigarette, “Pretty subpar, Mark is actually really good just from looking at vocabulary books.” His heart throbs a little reminiscing about Mark’s enthusiasm to always share new words with him.

“Welp, you’re hanging with five year olds, how good can their English be?”

“Touché.”

“If I can get you in, which is like, highly probable because I’m super great and you’re cute so my cousin will love you. Your income will triple easily and that’s a start. Is it not?” Johnny sits back down next to Taeyong, letting the other think for the time being.

“I think it’s a go.”

Johnny grins and he pulls the smaller into a warm side hug. “Excellent and one more thing Tae...

“Hmm?”

“...I’m sorry for kissing you, I feel especially guilty now knowing more about Jaehyun and just overall that was a bizarre thing to do.”

Taeyong glances at the sheepish boy beside him, Johnny’s ears are burning red and it’s cute. “It’s okay you idiot, Jaehyun and I aren’t like that...and I know your intentions, I’m assuming, weren’t to get with me.”

“No no!” Johnny’s face is still flushed, “It wasn’t like that!”

Taeyong throws a hand over his heart, “Are you saying I’m ugly!”

“NO! Taeyong!” Johnny whines.

“I’m sorry; I shouldn’t tease you like this. Do you have something to tell me about yourself?” Taeyong reclaims Johnny’s hand in his giving it a gentle squeeze.

“I don’t think so, I’m pretty sure of myself. Maybe just a moment of weakness, needed something...more. Sorry.”

Taeyong reaches up and plants a soft kiss on Johnny’s head, “Stop apologizing god dammit,” he whispers, “I’m not mad.”

“Thank you. I also want you to know that I’ll be behind you every step of the way for this. I think we have a good chance. Jaehyun is another witness and while it may be a long shot you did mention Mark has a school friend. Maybe they can help. Kids are perceptive as shit so there’s a possibility.”

Taeyong just hums. His eyelids feel heavy and for a moment he thinks he’ll fall asleep in Johnny’s arms on a cold porch. The piercing ring of his cell snaps both of them out of their fatigue.

**UNKNOWN CALLER**

_ XXX-XXX-XXXX _

__

Johnny quirks a brow as he steals a glance at Taeyong’s phone screen.

Taeyong’s gut feels weird and usually he’d just decline the call but the unnatural feeling compels him to answer. He taps the green button, the eerie ring silences and he brings the device to his ear. “Hello?”

“Taeyong-ah?”

“Yes? May I ask whose speaking?”

“It’s me from Jaehyun’s apartment.”

“Aunty?” _How’d she get my number?_

“Taeyong-ah where are you now?”

Taeyong frowns, “I’m with a friend a little ways away right now. Aunty is something wrong?”

“Oh my, boy, is there any way you can come here?”

“What? What do you mean? Is it—is it Jaehyun?”

“Yes, he’s upset, I don’t know what he’s going to do but if I call the police it might put him over the edge I don’t want to—

“Aunty, hold on one second okay,” Taeyong pulls the device from his ear and covers it with his hand, “Johnny this is awful of me to ask but the funeral is when?”

Johnny shakes himself awake a little more as the urgent question is thrown at him, “Ugh we couldn’t get the home booked until late and it’s in five days.”

Taeyong closes his eyes, “Johnny I—

“It’s okay, go quickly, and comeback soon. You can catch the early train if you run.”

Taeyong puts the phone back on his ear, “Aunty I’m on my way.” He clicks end call and tries to put one and one together but he keeps getting zero.

“Tae, you need to go.”

He’s on his feet and he’s running.

 

~~

 

_You’re an idiot!_

_Oh fuck what’s new?_

_Shut up!_

_Don’t tell yourself to shut up!_

_Fuck you!_

Bad, very bad, super bad. A terrible fucking idea it was for Jaehyun to get a little tipsy before getting home. He stumbles through the main doors, his mind in a haze and his life in slow motion.

As he collects himself his eyes wander the lobby and by mere coincidence the older woman just happens to be taking her recycling out. If it were any other night Jaehyun would have took her scowl and scampered up to his room. Tonight, though, he’s drunk and in light of recent information, she is the woman that ousted him to his deadbeat father. Wonderful! Excellent timing!

“You!” He spits, pointing a shaky finger at her. “You told him what I did!”

Her face falls as she slowly grasps what’s happening.

“How could, I—I knew you hated me but this—this is too much, “Jaehyun pulls at his curls, “How could you!” He screams.

“Jaehyun, I—didn’t—it was a—

“I don’t want to hear it, fuck I don’t want to look at you, you disgust me!” With the remaining sensibility left in him he rushes up the stairs in order to avoid further conflict. He won’t drop that low as to harm another human being.

No, what he will do is trash himself and maybe his apartment.

He barges into his room, slamming the door behind him and bolting it locked. He storms in and with blind rage he smashes his fist through the glass portion of the coffee table. He screams in pain and frustration yet he continues. He shoves stuff off his counter and lets it clatter, shatter and break against the ceramic tiled floor. He swings open his fridge, plucks a bear from the shelf and snaps it open. He downs it, desiring an increased ill affect upon his body.

He takes the bottle and chucks it against the wall, the shards fly everywhere. His state is a disturbing calm fury. A silent storm.

He downs another and another. He isn’t himself anymore. His body on repeat, drink, throw bottle, break it. He punches a wall here and there and for what? For everything because he hasn’t had a breakdown since who fucking knows?

Well here it is. He isn’t holding back. Repercussions are damned.

He goes all night, until dawn begins to come upon his world. When the sun skims across his dull eyes he hiccups and sees the damage. His apartment is a wasteland his mind is funneling out the last drops of pure hatred and anger. He takes the final pristine thing left in his apartment, a portrait, off the wall. He grips it hard then whips it against the ground. He’s drained.

A bloodied and shard covered picture of his mother and him stare back at him.

There’s a frantic knock at his door.

Like a time warp his senses come back for a split second. He can hear a voice.

_Tae...yong..._

Then he falls.


	20. T.

_Jaehyun_

_Jaehyun!_

_Jaehyun!!_

He’s slowly coming back to himself, oh so slowly.

 

~~

 

Taeyong shakes the younger’s shoulders. He’s filled with panic and the blood from his knuckles stain Jaehyun’s shirt and apartment floor. He was lucky. Jaehyun’s lock is pieced into the door knob itself so when he slammed his fist down onto it, the door gave way.

“Jaehyun, oh my god Jaehyun, open your eyes. Tell me you are alive.”

Taeyong’s eyes begin to fog over as he sees Jaehyun blink groggily. He pushes the curls that are stuck to the boy’s forehead back then loosens his grip on the other shoulder trying to be as comforting as possible.

“Thank god,” he whispers as Jaehyun finally makes a conscious gaze back at him.

They’re sitting amongst a disaster. Jaehyun’s apartment is trashed left, right, centre. Taeyong gazes around himself, glass is scattered everywhere, the coffee table broken in the middle is collapsing inwards and the walls are speckled in alcohol. The whole apartment reeks of beer and of something else... _I guess he couldn’t hold it in after drinking that much..._

A groan slips from the taller. Taeyong notes how pale Jaehyun’s face has gotten in the passing moment.

“Tae—

Jaehyun’s own hand comes up to clasp over his mouth as he rushes to sit himself upright. Taeyong gets the memo and helps the younger to his feet as quick as possible. As Jaehyun stumbles to the washroom Taeyong keeps his hands close to each side of his waist to ensure he doesn’t trip or fall on any part of the mess.

They make it in time, thankfully. _One thing less to clean up off the floor._ Taeyong watches as Jaehyun empties his stomach into the porcelain bowl. He rubs at his back feeling the muscles constrict with every heave Jaehyun gives into the toilet.

It takes a couple minutes of heaving and Taeyong patting the younger’s sweaty back for the wave of nausea to subside. Then they’re both swarmed in an eerie calmness, the only noise is Jaehyun’s low breathing and the bathroom lights cast a soft yellow hue over the walls.

A choke breaks the silence. Jaehyun has his face pulled back from the toilet, tears streaming down his cheeks.

_Oh, oh god he’s crying..._

“Hey...hey...it’s okay now Jae,” Taeyong whispers, “You’re okay, I’ve got you.” Taeyong thumbs away the tears. A sob breaks from the back of Jaehyun’s throat. It’s alarming to say the least but the heart wrenching cry that comes next almost kills Taeyong.

Jaehyun’s bawling his eyes out and Taeyong is scrambling to comfort him but it seems as though nothing will stop the screams that keep coming from the younger. Jaehyun pushes away from Taeyong, putting his back against the tub. He grabs fistfuls of his curls and pulls harshly as he cries and cries...and cries.

“Jae—

Taeyong’s voice catches because the noises that continue to drop from the younger one’s lips are shoving daggers into his chest. He’s scared; he’s scared of Jaehyun.

  _I don’t know what to do. Breathe Taeyong, for the sake of both of you._

Taeyong evens his breathing, calming his rapidly beating heart. He decides to do what he used to do with Mark when the smaller would cry harshly. He situates himself quietly beside Jaehyun making sure not to touch him. He waits then, he lets Jaehyun continue to wail and scream and cry.

_He probably needed this a long time ago._

It’s hell to watch Jaehyun curl into himself, an utter mess. It’s frustrating because he doesn’t know what he can do, he has no idea what will make him better. _I don’t know what’s wrong._ Taeyong eventually attempts to reach out to the other but he’s met with sharp words.

“Don’t touch me!” Jaehyun burrows himself further away. “Don’t look at me Taeyong,” He cries out through sobs. “I’m so pathetic my god Taeyong I’m a fucking nobody.”

Taeyong bites his bottom lip; all he’s allowed to do is look upon Jaehyun, who is becoming more of a wreck than his home.

Jaehyun’s head falls back with another soft yell, his old tears drip off his chin and his new ones run to his ears. “I’m a fucking nobody,” his voice is hoarse; “I’m a _nobody_ , stop wasting your time with a loser. I’m never gonna be a _somebody_.” Jaehyun’s body trembles his bottom lip quivering and his sobs are still brutally sad.

The younger peers down at his self, and sees the unfortunate front of his pants.

“...Oh...god did—I...oh god,” fresh tears fall again, “I’m so disgusting...I—” his breathing starts to speed up once more.

“Hey...hey no...listen,” Taeyong works fast to stop Jaehyun from working himself up again, “It’s okay...it happens.” He keeps his voice gentle, “it’s all fine, you’re not disgusting.” Taeyong cups the other’s face and Jaehyun doesn’t pull away this time.

Jaehyun’s brows crease. The pressure he has on his bottom lips causes a dribble of blood to fall from the tear. “Why are you so nice to me, why do you have to keep wasting your time on me?” Jaehyun asks with a faded voice.

“If you consider this a waste of time then you’ve wasted a fucking eternity on me Jaehyun.” Taeyong gathers Jaehyun’s damaged hands into his own. “I’ve never considered my time wasted when it’s with you. I pray you don’t think the same about your time with me.” Taeyong closes his eyes keeping himself together.

“Never,” Jaehyun whispers, his eyes glazed over.

Taeyong sighs; he’s been holding so much stress within himself. He finally lets go of some of it seeing as the fire is slowly being smothered.

Jaehyun hiccups. His tears are the only things that haven’t stopped aside from his quivering lip. “I’m sorry Taeyong,” His eyes can’t find the elder’s, “I’m so sorry for all of this. For being so pathetic, for causing all these problems I’m—” He stifles his oncoming sob. “God I’m just such a fucking loser.”

“Don’t say that Jae.” Taeyong pulls Jaehyun’s head towards him so it rests upon his shoulder. “You’ve been everything to me in these past few months. Yeah, there’s a lot that may make you think you’re less but there’s so much _real_ stuff that makes you more.”

Jaehyun’s body shivers against Taeyong’s. The older studies the younger’s face and takes in the appearance, swollen eyes and blotchy red cheeks. “Let’s get you cleaned up for now and talk more after okay?” Taeyong asks in a hushed voice. He cards his hand into Jaehyun’s hair hoping for an agreement.

Jaehyun nods silently.

“I just I—feel nauseous agai—uh.” Jaehyun throws his hands out to the floor in front of him shifting his body forward so his head can reach the toilet. He throws up a lot less than last time which is a promising sign.

Taeyong takes the second to turn the bathtub tap on, letting the water become warm before he plugs the drain so it’ll fill. He checks on Jaehyun and fills the bathroom cup with some cool water passing it to him.

Jaehyun rinses his mouth with a quarter of it before drinking the rest.

Taeyong closes the tap. “I’ll get you clean clothes,” his face heats up a little, “are you okay to get in on your own?”

“I think I can manage.” Jaehyun smiles but Taeyong knows it’s forced.

“Okay.” Taeyong slips out leaving the door just ajar behind him. He tip toes around the shards of glass and kitchen utensils that are spilt everywhere. He eventually reaches Jaehyun’s room, much to his relief, is untouched.

He pulls a sweater and a pair of shorts out of a crammed dresser. Then he hunts down where Jaehyun’s underwear is located and spots a clean pair in the bottom right drawer.

When he steps back out of the room he isn’t sure he’s really capable of barging back in on Jaehyun so he puts the clothes down on the empty counter space and grabs a blanket off the couch. It becomes his sort of make shift broom as he carefully gets onto his hands and knees and he mops the floor with it. He pushes the glass into two separate piles, one in the living room and one in the kitchen. It doesn’t take him long since the apartment is tiny to begin with. He continues to distract himself more by gathering the utensils as well. As for the coffee table and some of the counter appliances he decides to worry about them later.

When he goes to put the blanket back onto the couch he notices a missed corner. A broken picture frame, specks of dried blood all over the shattered glass. He rummages carefully amongst the shards and slips the picture out. He squints at it, the woman he doesn’t recognize but the small boy snuggled up to her in front of a quaint little garden is most definitely Jaehyun.

Little Jaehyun adorns the widest and purest smile he’s ever seen and he’s looking at his mother with fond eyes. Taeyong’s heart clenches. _I want to see that smile again one day..._

He takes the picture with him into Jaehyun’s room and puts it down safely on top of the dresser. He leaves the room coming to terms with the fact that he does have to give the other new clothes at some point so he picks them up off the counter. He creeps closer to the bathroom door before knocking on the frame.

“You can come in.”

Taeyong keeps his head down as he pushes the door open, he sets the clothes down and he can’t help it but he does steal a glance at the younger. Jaehyun is sitting with his knees against his chest and his eyes make him appear soulless. He hasn’t made the attempt to wash his hair yet either.

 _Suppress your instincts Taeyong...don’t..._ “Do you want me to wash your hair?” _God damn Taeyong he’s not Mark!_

Jaehyun looks at Taeyong who feels embarrassed at his words. “Okay,” he sounds completely dejected.

Taeyong actually washes Jaehyun’s hair; it’s a shock to both of them to be honest, for really no particular reason. Maybe it just seems too domestic.

Taeyong lathers the other’s hair, he can’t see Jaehyun’s front but he lets himself take in the glory that is Jaehyun’s back as a pat on his own back for all he’s done today. Jaehyun hums a little, eyes closed in content, or more so relief. He knows it’s a little cruel but Taeyong finds Jaehyun’s puffy eyes and slightly pouted lips cute, now that the situation is a little better.

“Will you stay with me tonight?” Jaehyun questions quietly.

“Of course,” Taeyong smiles as he catches the younger one’s eyes with his own.

He lets Jaehyun rinse his hair himself and get changed as well while he prepares the bed.

Taeyong returns and takes him by the hand, fresh towel in the other, to the room. When they’re finally seated on the bed together Taeyong dries the rest of Jaehyun’s hair. He giggles a little; he can’t help it because as his hair dries his curls bounce more and more. His laughter lightens the quiet atmosphere. He continues to towel at the ringlets.

The silence grows between the two of them, although not awkward. Until, Jaehyun abruptly breaks the silence.

“I want to graduate.”

Taeyong wasn’t sure what he was really expecting. He didn’t think Jaehyun could expose himself so much in one night but here they are.

“Go on,” Taeyong calls at him encouragingly. _Maybe he’ll open up more._

“I want to graduate and feel proud of myself. I want to be successful in something. I want—er maybe someone to be proud of me?” Jaehyun squeezes his eyes shut in confusion.

“It’s okay, you’re doing well, keep going,” Taeyong tosses the towel to the floor.

“I want to be a better person, ugh...maybe express my feelings better,” Jaehyun looks around the room nervously. “I want to say more but I think I might be scared...

“What are you scared of?”

“That maybe I don’t know if I really feel this way or not. Maybe I’m lying to myself, lying about my capabilities.”

“You’re capable of a lot of things Jaehyun what’s difficult about this one in particular.”

“I really can’t afford a negative outcome if I say what’s on my mind; I can’t handle the possible consequence.”

“Shoot in the dark; I think you’ll be surprised when you see you’ve hit the target.”

There’s a pause because they meet each other’s gaze and it knocks the wind out of both of them. They’re both mentally prepping for the words, they both know.

“I want to take care of you Taeyong, Mark as well, I want you to be proud of me, and I want to hug you, hold you, kiss you and cherish you properly. I want to love you Taeyong,” Jaehyun swallows loudly his eyes fogging over, “but I don’t know if I can,” he says weakly.

“I think you most definitely can. You’ve already showed me that you can.” Taeyong’s vision swells with tears. “I only love the people that love me in return and Jaehyun, I really love you.”

Jaehyun wipes his tears away obviously frustrated with showing so much emotion.

“And I know you still have work, I understand that and school is also a priority right now. I get that but I’m not going to go anywhere because of it. I’ll wait patiently by your side okay? I’ll help you out; we’ll help each other out.” Taeyong smiles brightly, his own words filling him with such warmth.

Jaehyun stares a little lost at all the words he’s hearing.

“Jaehyun, are you okay with that?”

“Yeah...more than.”

Taeyong barely hears it but the grin on Jaehyun’s face says it all and in the next moment his back is on the mattress. Jaehyun hovering over top of him, lips inches apart in anticipation.

“You won’t hurt me if you do, what you do with other’s isn’t the same as what you want to do with me. I know that. It’s okay.” Taeyong’s hands slip underneath Jaehyun’s sweater, skimming along smooth skin and the lower of his back.

Their lips connect. Chapped lips on chapped lips but the more they part and delve deeper the smoother they become with saliva. Taeyong’s legs part wider so Jaehyun can fit on top of him better. He holds himself up with two hands on either side of Taeyong’s head.

Taeyong will ignore the fact that Jaehyun threw up on multiple occasions today and he will admire the fact that Jaehyun has made it this far considering his physical state.

They turn their heads finding that perfect angle. Lips lock like connecting puzzle pieces and Jaehyun’s tongue takes a tentative dip into Taeyong’s mouth. It leaves Taeyong breathless and causes a timid moan to echo around the room. Jaehyun’s hand reaches for one of Taeyong’s and he pins it above his head before doing the same to the other. Their palms lay flat against each other’s and their fingers lace.

Jaehyun moves his lips to Taeyong’s neck where he peppers kisses before returning them to his sharp jaw. He sucks diligently until a small bruise forms upon the bone. Taeyong wriggles underneath him enjoying the feeling of Jaehyun’s lips all over him. It’s overwhelming but it’s so good.

Jaehyun moves and begins sucking a new mark on his collar bone as a distraction for his next move. He grinds his hips down onto Taeyong’s. Taeyong moans loud and shamelessly, everything is so new to him, the pleasure from short bouts of friction has him through the wall. Jaehyun grinds down again and again.

Taeyong whines, Jaehyun lets go of his hands so Taeyong can lose them in loose curls. He brings Jaehyun’s mouth back up to his and with another rut against each other they groan into their mouths.

“Fuck, this is so embarrassing, I still have shorts on yet you make me so close this quick.” Jaehyun’s voice is deep and tired and it chills Taeyong.

He cries out, hips jut up to meet Jaehyun’s faster. “Jaehyun,” Taeyong whines with his face flushed a deep red. This all happened so fast, he’s scared that his first experience seems to be flying by but Jaehyun’s gentle kisses keeps him grounded. “Mm-close,” he sighs.

A few more ruts and Taeyong’s thighs are tensing as he lets go of himself, pants on and everything, crying out Jaehyun’s name. Jaehyun follows seconds after with a groan.

“I think we’ve put millions of horny teenagers to shame.”

Taeyong laughs.

“Was this alright,” Jaehyun breathes softly, still hovering over Taeyong. His expression filled with concern.

“Yeah, I feel gross now,” he puffs out humorously, “but it felt really good.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Jaehyun, I’m positive.” Taeyong reaches up and pecks his lips, “I don’t wanna get up so let’s just clean up in the morning.”

“You might regret that—

“Oh shush,” Taeyong pulls Jaehyun down to lay beside him, “I’m tired and you need to sleep too. You had me so scared today.” His eyelids feel heavy. “I almost called an ambulance and Aunty...she was scared too...” He feels sleep pulling at him but he wants to keep talking.

“I’m sorry.” Jaehyun whispers.

Taeyong traces the bags under Jaehyun’s eyes then moves closer to put their noses together. “It’s okay,” his voice comes out slurred by sleep.

“I promise, we can talk in the morning, it’s okay for you to sleep now Tae.” Jaehyun pulls him up against his body.

Taeyong succumbs to sleep, a single regret on his mind. He never resolved Jaehyun’s feelings of worthlessness. In the end it doesn’t really matter as the both doze off.

_Jaehyun, you’re my somebody._


	21. U.

Humming? Jaehyun blinks his eyes, once, twice, thrice until he can keep them open steadily. The bleariness fades and his face is just a few short inches apart from Taeyong’s.

The older boy is humming a senseless tune and his index finger is tracing along Jaehyun’s jaw. He follows Taeyong’s eyes which are following his finger and then their gazes meet.

Taeyong smiles softly, his hums drifting into silence.

“Good morning,” Taeyong says with his morning voice all raspy.

Jaehyun shivers _I’d like to get used to that voice..._

“Morning,” he replies, voice wavering with hesitance, nothing feels real right now. The caress of his face, Taeyong’s sweet voice and the flooding light of the sunrise dipping into every crevasse of the plain room appears dream like. He’s scared that with one move the room will collapse in on itself and he’ll awaken once again, bloody knuckles on a glass ridden floor.

He comes back to the moment at hand because Taeyong moves a warm palm down and squeezes at his shoulder.

“You look uneasy Jaehyun...its okay now, you’re alright.” Taeyong’s eyebrows are furrowed.

“I look—

 _I look uneasy? My expression? Has it changed?_ Jaehyun’s heart beats a little faster at the fact that maybe lately he’s been quicker to react, more susceptible to _express_ what he’s feeling inside. It’s all a little intimidating especially since Taeyong’s sharp eyes read him like an open book.

—never mind, everything is alright.”

He _is_ okay because everything _is alright_. This is real, these feelings are an actual experience and Taeyong is truly the most ethereal and patient being in the universe.

“Everything is perfectly fine,” Jaehyun says with a sigh. He rolls onto his back and stretches his arms out a little and then he remembers—

“Oh,” Still on his back, he twists his neck to face Taeyong, “I’m really sorry.”

Taeyong laughs at that and it leaves Jaehyun wondering if the apology was useless.

“Why are you sorry?” Taeyong’s face is red but his laugh has finally dissipated.

“You came all the way here,” Jaehyun starts with a timid voice, “to deal with me. You had to leave your friend—

“—to help another.” Taeyong finishes. “Jaehyun you don’t have to apologize for what you did, life hasn’t exactly been treating you well.”

“It hasn’t treated you well either.”

“That’s true but we’ve got to help one another right, who else will look out for us? Who can? All we’ve got immediately, is us. So I’m going to take care of you just like you’ve been taking care of me.”

Jaehyun wasn’t sure how to speak after that so instead he simply followed his gut and pulled Taeyong on top of himself. A small noise of surprise came from the older. They settled with Jaehyun’s hands on Taeyong’s back. Cross-eyes they dipped in for a kiss. It was profound, they pressed together hard and breathed in deep through their noses.

Heated but calm, needy but clean. Just lips and wild racing hearts. Each time they part their noses brush and eyelashes flutter.

They kiss until the tension builds then they part, lips un-sticking. They blink a couple times, gaze locked upon one another.

“My boxers feel gross.”

With that said, Jaehyun can’t help but let out an actually hearty laugh. Taeyong dips his head in the juncture of Jaehyun’s neck hiding his blush.

“It’s not funny,” he whines.

Jaehyun squeezes Taeyong tighter against him, “So cute.”

 

~~

 

Taeyong takes a shower removing a layer of unwanted stress from his skin. When he steps out and stands in front of the steamed glass he can see how his shoulders slouch and the not so new wells under his eyes have darkened. He sighs and towels at his hair. Jaehyun has helped levitate some of the harshness but his body is still crumbling under all that’s happening.

He left his clothes with Johnny so all he has to change into is the single pair of track pants he left behind and a shirt and sweater from Jaehyun.

When he slips the hoodie over his head he can’t avoid the fact that Jaehyun’s scent is so ingrained into the fabric. It’s dizzying, intimate in a way Taeyong hasn’t known. It’s...comforting.

He lifts his arms, sweater paws; _I’m a grown ass man in a grown ass hoodie how dare it make me look like a child._ He huffs and his arms flop back to his sides.

He steps out of the washroom and spots Jaehyun shrouded in papers at the counter.

“What’s all this?” He asks peering over the taller one’s shoulders.

Jaehyun rubs at his temple, “Homework.”

“What’s the subject?”

“Mathematics.”

With the way Jaehyun grasps the pencil like it’s a lifeline and stares holes through his book, Taeyong can infer that math isn’t an area of expertise for the younger.

“You know, Johnny is really good at math. He actually got me through my final year.”

Jaehyun hums. “I can’t really bug him with my petty high school problems right now Taeyong.”

“None sense, he’d appreciate a distraction from life at the moment.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re going to see Johnny, and he’s going to help you, what’s more to know,” Taeyong hops onto his tip toes, chin on Jaehyun’s shoulder, chest pressed into his back.

“I don’t understand how I can see him—

“Jaehyun you have to have gone completely mad if you think I’m leaving you here alone after this shit storm. So I hope you have a dress shirt.”

Jaehyun opens then closes his mouth.

Taeyong knows Jaehyun won’t be able to say no to him. He doesn’t like doing things like this but he needs Jaehyun by his side, not just to protect Jaehyun from self destruction but to keep him on his own two feet.

 

~~

 

Train rides are cathartic. Taeyong likes to look at the passing trees, he imagines himself living in a quaint cottage in the middle of nowhere. It’s a horrifying dream when he realizes that all it’s made up of is himself, alone, thriving without access to anything. Horrifying but calming because there’s this weird feeling that comes with these dreams. Comfort in the fact that it will never happen but the bliss of being able to make it all up.

Jaehyun’s sitting stiff beside him, he’s still learning about Jaehyun. Sizing him up every chance he can get only helps a little. Jaehyun doesn’t express well outwardly so he’s reaching in to find his inner workings. What makes him tick? What makes him nervous? What makes Jaehyun...Jaehyun?

Taeyong curls his fingers around Jaehyun’s knee, “Johnny’s a good person, he’s not gonna challenge you to a duel or something.”

Jaehyun nods his head, a little too quickly, “I know, I know.” He starts wringing his hands together.

“Is it the funeral?”

“I’m not sure yet,” Jaehyun says shyly, “I don’t really know what’s wrong.”

“That’s okay, a lot has happened and I want to thank you for coming with me. This isn’t exactly the most comfortable thing to do.”Taeyong does feel a little guilty for pulling Jaehyun with him but he wanted to be greedy. He wanted Jaehyun by his side.

“It’s all good I’ll be fine. I want to be here for you.”

Taeyong smiles at that, he laces their fingers together then looks back out the window for a little while longer. He wracks his brain for a conversation starter, anything to break the silence.

“Oh, I guess I should tell you.” Taeyong’s starts, eyes falling on the seat in front of him, he catches Jaehyun’s attention in the corner of his eye. “I’m working on getting custody of Mark. It was something that Johnny brought up into full thought. We talked about it seriously, were looking at the options and probability. He says it’s going to be tough, I know that, but I think I have a good chance.”

Jaehyun squeezes Taeyong’s hand. There’s a brief pause before the older continues.

“Yeah, it’ll be a lot of work, I’m willing to do it all though.” Taeyong looks up Jaehyun, “I might have just gotten new work and stuff. Johnny’s working out the kinks. I’m going to need money and a stable living space. I think if I work hard enough that can happen though.”

“And I’ll be with you too.”

Taeyong’s eyes widen and his heart stops.

“I won’t let you and Johnny do it all alone, I’ll be there to help too. I want to be there for Mark.”

Taeyong puts a hand over his face, “You’re gonna make me cry you ass. ”

“Is it really that unexpected of me to say something like that?”

“Kinda!” Taeyong calms himself down. “I’m glad though, really, I am. Mark could use another figure in his life besides Johnny and I. He actually said it himself. It was funny, he said he was waiting for me and Jaehyun hyung to come and _save_ him.”

It was Jaehyun’s turn to be shocked.

“You wouldn’t want to disappoint him right?”

Jaehyun shakes his head quickly.

“He’ll be happy to hear.”

The train continues moving forward smoothly.

 

~~

 

“What’s up?”

“Hmm?”

“Jaehyun?!”

“Yeah?”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, why?”

“You met Johnny five minutes ago and you’re already staring holes into the back of his head, well even the front too I guess. Besides the fact, you’re gonna freak him out!”

“Sorry,” Jaehyun mutters.

“What’s up, you can tell me.”

Taeyong had pulled the two of them out to the front porch balcony, knowing Jaehyun needed the air. Whatever was up had to be resolved, the funeral is in three days and tension just wasn’t part of the plan.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me...

Taeyong rubbed at the younger’s arm to edge him on.

“...I just feel really overwhelmed around him, in the house. I don’t know, I think I’m scared?”

“I think what you’re looking for is “anxiety”.”

Jaehyun’s face went blank and Taeyong laughed.

“It’s okay, it happens, let’s work through it. Tell me when you feel all that pressure again and we’ll find a way to make it a little more breathable.”

Jaehyun nodded and he looked down. He felt weak and ashamed, he didn’t enjoy this. He didn’t enjoy feeling this side of the emotional spectrum. He starts wondering how Taeyong has handled life thus far.

“Stay out here for a little, I have to go in and talk about some of the arrangements, just have a breather.”

With that Taeyong steps back into the house.

Jaehyun’s left alone to his own devices. He watches a couple kids shoot hoops a couple doors down. His attention continually darts around, his palms are itchy and he feels hot.

He lets the rhythm of his tapping foot bring him to a calmer state. He mules over what has brought him to this point. He grazes over the past few events over the last two days. Maybe it’s because he hasn’t told Taeyong what he’s done yet. He didn’t think staying quiet would build this much pressure up within him. He’s going to have to talk about this all sooner or later.

It’s scary though, _I’ve never done that before..._

~~

 

At some point Jaehyun falls asleep on one of the porch chairs and to his disappointment, it’s Johnny waking him up instead of Taeyong.

“Hey man, it’s eight thirty, though I’d wake you up.”

“Oh, uh yeah, thanks,” Jaehyun rubs the bit of sleep from his eyes.

“Do you mind?” Johnny motions to sit down next to him.

“Oh no go ahead.”

Johnny flops back into the seat with a long sigh. “Taeyong mentioned that you got a little overwhelmed?”

Jaehyun scratches the back of his neck, looking at his feet. “Yeah, I really shouldn’t be acting this way _haha,_ I’m sure you’ve got lots on your mind and stuff ya know and sorry about your dad.” Jaehyun takes in a breath and he feels relieved he managed to get that all into one sentence.

“Hey man, no worries,” Johnny says with a light chuckle.

Jaehyun feels just a little more comfortable. “Is Taeyong still up?”

“Ah I actually just brought him to my room; he crashed when he hit the sheets. I saw him trying to hold himself up today. He looks rougher than the other night he was here.”

“Yeah, that might be my fault,” Jaehyun whispers weakly.

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up over it.”

A warm hand falls on Jaehyun’s knee.

“Taeyong is the most understanding person, I’m sure you know that by now. So let me tell you this because even though I’ve known you for all of half a day I trust you. You’ve done some incredible things for my friend when I couldn’t, I actually kind of owe you but back to my point. Taeyong loves you, like a lot a lot—” Johnny pulls a pack of cigarettes Taeyong brought out from under the chair and offers one to Jaehyun. A peace offering.

Jaehyun accepts, putting the stick between his lips he lets Johnny light it for him.

“—He loves you so damn much it’s actually crazy, I didn’t think he had more in him, all his life he’s spent his emotions on Mark. Although he’s not as scared as he thinks he is about sharing his love with you. I think he might be more scared of scaring you.”

Jaehyun snorts, “That just seems...so...Taeyong.”

They pause and each takes a drag.

“You love him, don’t you?”

Jaehyun chokes.

“He’s a good person to love, so please let me blunt, don’t fuck this up. Don’t fuck him up, don’t fuck yourself up. Be honest. Make sure you tell him how you feel. He can’t read you forever.”

Jaehyun observes Johnny’s lack posture, lazy hand dragging the cigarette to and from his lips. _Who the fuck gave you this wisdom?_

“He’s not glass but he isn’t steel either.”

“I love him,” Jaehyun whispers because for some reason, he feels he owes Johnny an answer. He owes it because Johnny was and still is Taeyong’s protector. A guardian who helped the man he loves grow up safe. He owes a whole lot more. “Thank you for telling me this.”

“Of course and this makes us friends now.”

“Okay.”

They catch each other smiling.

“You hurt him and your dick is on the mantle.”

“There it is.”

“Hey I have to make sure you know I’m not easy and that I’ll fucking pounce if shit gets fucked.”

“Understood.” Jaehyun butts out his cigarette with his foot against the patio floor.

“Taeyong wanted you to sleep on the couch but honestly I’ll be fine there. There’s enough room in my bed for the two of you just don’t dirty the linen. Mom can only afford what she’s got.”

Jaehyun can feel his cheeks reddening. “Got it captain.”

Johnny nods in approval.

Jaehyun rises to his feet; he makes a quick glance up at the darkening sky and bids a soft goodnight to the taller.

Johnny finishes the rest of his stick as the stars come to life through the city haze.

 

~~

 

The room is small, decorated with posters of American bands. It’s a glimpse into Johnny’s childhood. MGMT, Green Day and a few metal bands from the eighties. Other than the posters the room is pretty empty which is based on the fact that Johnny was staying in a place with his uncle while attending the high school Taeyong and he went to.

Jaehyun inches in and takes his pants off. Taeyong brought the bags to the room so he swaps his shirt for a clean one and decides to collapse into bed in boxers and top only.

Taeyong is a small lump curled up and tucked neatly under the covers. Tufts of white hair splay out across the blue pillow. Jaehyun’s presence rustles him and he mumbles quietly.

Jaehyun wiggles around under the covers and he fits an arm comfortably over Taeyong’s fatigued body.

“Jaehyun?” It’s a subtle little murmur.

“Yeah it’s me.”

Taeyong, eyes still shut, straightens himself out and snuggles up against Jaehyun. A hand comes up to fist at the front of Jaehyun’s shirt and his hair tickles the underside of the younger one’s chin.

Jaehyun tightens his grip around him; he feels a little quiver go through Taeyong’s body.

“I’m here now, I’m here for you.”


	22. V.

Nimble fingers work at Jaehyun’s buttons.

Taeyong’s bottom lip is caught between his teeth in concentration.

After a few more moments of fumbling Taeyong pipes up in victory.“There! All done,” he says wearing a proud smile. He turns his face, bearing his cheek to Jaehyun which he weakly points at.

Jaehyun takes the queue and slowly leans in, closing his eyes and placing a soft and lengthy kiss on the elder’s cheek.

Taeyong’s proud smile falls to one of bashfulness. Jaehyun grins a little in return.

“Ready to fuck some shit up?”

Both Jaehyun and Taeyong turn to look at the doorway but don’t jump apart. Johnny leans casually against the frame of the door. His eyes look tired, his shoulders appear as if they’re caring a thousand tonnes and there’s a weak tremble in his hands.

“It’s not like it’s already impossibly fucked up, right?” Taeyong replies and everyone gives a pitiful chuckle.

 

~~

 

“I’ll be sitting in the front pew with Johnny and his mom. They have a small family so it won’t be too crowded. The rest of the people filling in will most likely be co-workers.”

Jaehyun nods. “I’ll just find a seat  at the back, I’ll be okay,” Jaehyun peers up at Johnny whose guiding his mother up the few steps into the funeral home, “take care of them Tae.”

Taeyong takes in a shaky breath, “I’ll try my best,” he says with weak confidence and follows with a breathy laugh.

Jaehyun runs a gentle hand through Taeyong’s hair that he has pulled back. It’s grown a little long and is in need of cut. The back hairs reach just below his ear and dark roots show everywhere. He won’t comment on how Taeyong’s tired eyes and styled hair make him look sexy, although he might have a couple months ago. He’s obtained quite the filter in a short period of time.

“I’ll be here to take care of you, don’t worry.” Jaehyun finishes with an awkward pat to Taeyong’s shoulder.

Taeyong laughs genuinely, because he knows, he just does. That’s Jaehyun.

 

~~

 

Jaehyun didn’t want to mention how familiar everything felt to him. How the place smelt of hand sanitizer and how dark the wooden pews are. The hymns brought him back to a time a little while ago. The flowers reminded him of the hospital room and how his aunts were so quick to take the bouquets than offer condolences. Johnny crumpled over in the front pew reminded him of his father and Taeyong’s stiff back reminded him of a younger self.

All funerals must be the same. All families seem similar.

This didn’t stop the panic from setting in. It didn’t make Jaehyun feel any less constricted by the memories. The nostalgia was painful; it didn’t make him yearn for the younger days. It was a reminder that he was a weak kid that grew up to be an even weaker adult.

The only thing keeping him together was the comfort that he was hidden away at the very back of the funeral home. All eyes would be forward. The service was boring in itself. The priest’s words were empty since he didn’t know about Mr. Seo personally. There would be no painful eulogy as the service was a catholic one. If there were to be any upsetting speeches it’d most likely be done at the private burial shortly after.

_I’ll just have to keep holding out.  I’ve done it for so long. Why is it such a struggle to now?_

The mass comes to close; distant relatives and co-workers filter out. Jaehyun stays seated at the very back, odd looks occasionally thrown his way. _Don’t mind me, I’m nobody important._

People come in to bring the ashes into the hearse. Johnny, whose just holding himself together gets up along with Taeyong to help Johnny’s mother stand. They loop their arms around hers and begin to make their way out.

Taeyong’s eyes are dry, he looks determined to carry on. Jaehyun feels proud of him; he can tell that this is a battle he wants to fight on his own right now. So when they walk by Jaehyun joins them and places a gentle hand on Johnny’s back.

 

~~  

 

The burial practically kills them. Or maybe its Johnny’s loud and barely interrupted sobbing. Taeyong can’t keep everything in so he kneels beside Johnny holding him tightly hiding his own tears.

Johnny’s mother is being held up by presumably the uncle, the father’s brother.

Jaehyun stays near the gates of the small cemetery. He’s neither immediate family nor a close friend of Johnny’s so he distances himself respectfully. Although he would surely be welcomed over by the two boys it was more for the mother and the other relatives.

The scene looks like a painting, Jaehyun lists off depressing titles of what you could call the master piece. He decides if he was painted into the portrait too you could interpret that his figure was yearning for the deep love the few people in tears shared.

Dirt covers the small urn; flowers are laid to rest upon the small grave plaque.

Taeyong finally looks up from Johnny’s shoulder and pierces Jaehyun with his desperate eyes. That’s Jaehyun’s signal.

Taeyong can’t be strong anymore.

He walks over to the boys. His heart hammering loudly in his chest. Johnny rises on unsteady feet and falls into his mother and uncle’s embrace. Taeyong collapses into Jaehyun’s.

Jaehyun holds onto the elder for dear life, rubbing his back, letting his shirt muffle sobs. He comforts Taeyong the way he pleaded for as child when his mother died. He gives and gives because he never got.

_Let it all out, so you can move on. Let it all out so you don’t accidentally lock your feelings up._

~~

 

There’s a lot of relief in the next two days. Most of the stress has left due to the fact that there’s no more prepping or planning. Now the lingering feelings of emptiness and loss remain. Johnny says with a little time he’ll be able to go back to work. His only concerns are with his mother but his uncle is coming to live with them for a couple months to help out. Everything should eventually piece back together as best as it can.

Taeyong and Jaehyun gather their things; Taeyong needs to inquire about work and Jaehyun needs to go back to school. Johnny was surprisingly willing to help Jaehyun out with his math unit. Then again it’s refreshing to have your mind off the downs in life even if it is just mathematics.

“I texted my cousin in the middle of this shit storm, so she knows about you. I told her you would call, she’ll be waiting. Interview could be possible but it won’t be with her, she’ll give you the details.” Johnny handed over a piece of paper with a number scrawled on it for Taeyong.

Taeyong thanked Johnny profusely; Jaehyun bid his appreciation as well.

Taeyong got a nice and long hug from the tallest and before Jaehyun knew it he was wrapped in Johnny’s arms too.

“Let’s hope things settle now. Get that job, earn some money and get Mark.”

Taeyong nodded, “Sounds like a plan.”

Taeyong and Jaehyun rode the train home with heavy hearts and tired minds.

Jaehyun was still weighed down by the secrets he is unintentionally keeping.

 

~~

 

“We haven’t told aunty you’re alright we should—

—I don’t want to right now.”

Taeyong looks up at Jaehyun. They finally got off the train and started walking back to the apartment.

“What do you mean? Why—

“—I have a lot to tell you Taeyong, it’s just...the timing hasn’t been right.”

Jaehyun can see Taeyong’s face go from understanding to worrying.

“Please don’t be worried okay, I’ll tell you, I really want to sleep first though.” Jaehyun takes Taeyong’s hand in his. “I have a promise to keep to someone, so I won’t hide from you much longer.” He leaves the part out about how much it’s going to kill him to talk about his dad. That he doesn’t want to drown Taeyong in his feelings to only have the older choke. Taeyong will most definitely be hurt seeing Jaehyun hurt, it’s naturally who he is, Jaehyun has noticed.

After this “shit storm” as Johnny put it, he really can’t afford to fuck things up more.

The streetlights illuminate their path. Each time they pass under Jaehyun sees the faint yellow-green of Taeyong’s fading bruises. The stars twinkle a little through the city smog. Sounds of broken chain link fences shaking in the wind fill the distance.

The apartment entryway seems dimmer than usual. Another bulb on the chandelier must have blown.  They climb the stairs quietly and it’s a solemn walk to Jaehyun’s door.

They’re still holding hands but it feels automated, like they aren’t in any control until they fall through the entryway and Taeyong’s hands find Jaehyun’s hair and he closes the broken-lock door with his back.

Jaehyun holds back a little when Taeyong tries to bring their lips together.

“I want to forget,” Taeyong’s breath ghosts over his lips, “make me forget.”

Jaehyun’s resolve snaps and he surges forward taking Taeyong’s open lips with his own. He licks over Taeyong’s bottom lip and a feeble whine escapes the other. Jaehyun begins shrugging off his coat and sweater giving Taeyong a little more space against the door to do the same. When the articles hit the floor Jaehyun kicks them away along the smooth tiles.

Their lips reconnect and Jaehyun presses his tongue a little deeper into Taeyong’s mouth, lapping at the surprised yelped coming from the other.

Taeyong’s fingers work furiously through the hairs at the base of Jaehyun’s head all the way up to the loose brown curls on top. Jaehyun’s hands find the skin underneath Taeyong’s shirt where he draws circles with his thumbs over and over.

The chill of the night is scraped off their skin and the sweltering heat of intimacy douses them. Jaehyun works Taeyong’s shirt off, their mouths parting just for a moment to collect a breath.

“Yours...yours too,” Taeyong whines as he claws at the collar of Jaehyun’s shirt. Jaehyun does quick work of it, tossing it away mindlessly behind him before losing himself in Taeyong again.

He slips a knee between Taeyong’s legs and not long after Taeyong starts subtly grinding against it.

_Fucking hot._

All the while Taeyong continually whines into Jaehyun’s mouth, each a secret plea for more. More lips, more tongue, more hands and anything else.

His hips move a little quicker, Jaehyun observes how wrecked Taeyong’s becoming. His whines have turned into soft _ahs_ and _ohs._ His hair is splayed messily back, Jaehyun’s taking similar shape thanks to Taeyong’s slim fingers. Everything about it is sexual. It gears Jaehyun up more to know most of Taeyong’s actions come unconsciously.

Taeyong’s eyes are clouded, pupils blown, darkness is the excuse, and arousal is the true perpetrator. Jaehyun can’t quite compare the way Taeyong’s holding his gaze and still shamelessly using his thigh for pleasure to any of the fantasies he’s conjured up.

“More...I—want more,” Taeyong whispers, then chews on his bottom lip. He takes Jaehyun’s hands that are on his hips and bring them to the buckle on his belt. “Please Jaehyun, more.”

Jaehyun never wanted to make Taeyong beg so when it happens without him asking for it, it causes the strain in his own pants to grow. He fumbles around with the buckle while heading back in for a messy kiss.

The belt loosens and Taeyong’s pants get shoved to his ankles where he steps out of them nimbly and swipes to the side. Jaehyun moves his lips to Taeyong’s collarbone to a fading mark from the last time they had went at it. He licks over it before latching on, nibbling and sucking to bring the dull mark back to a vibrant red colour.

Taeyong mewls and squirms enjoying the heat from Jaehyun’s mouth on his chest, he wants to feel it lower too. Jaehyun doesn’t keep him waiting much longer.

He dips his fingers into the waistband of Taeyong’s boxers and gives a quick glance up.

Taeyong is flushed completely red, the shyness catching up to him, he looks away from Jaehyun’s gaze but it isn’t a sign for him to stop.

Jaehyun takes the fabric the rest of the ways down and Taeyong’s hardened cock bobs free. The cool air against his member pulls a hiss from Taeyong and he throws his forearm over his eyes.

Jaehyun runs a hand up Taeyong’s trembling thigh and with his other he begins spreading the precome at the tip down the shaft.

Taeyong cries out a little at the foreign feeling of someone else’s hand touching him. The rough calluses on Jaehyun’s hand brings a sensation he’s never felt before.

“Pretty,” Jaehyun mumbles as his hand works up and down Taeyong’s cock, adding his own spit into the mix for a quicker slide. He slows his hand down till he’s gripping just the base tightly and he gives a tentative lick to the head.

Taeyong lets out his loudest moan yet at the unexpected action and he digs his teeth deeper into his bottom lip completely and utterly embarrassed.

Jaehyun doesn’t know how long he’ll last himself just pleasuring Taeyong like this. “Let me hear you,” he demands softly anyway. He watches Taeyong let his bottom lip go before taking the tip of the cock into his mouth. The moans from then on only get louder, in turn effecting Jaehyun’s hard on each every time.

He works at the tip, letting his tongue slide over the slit and dip at it. He learns quickly that Taeyong really enjoys that as he has to pin his hips to the door to keep him from jumping forward.

Frustrated with the lack of movement Taeyong brings a hand to Jaehyun’s head tugging lightly at his curls. Jaehyun takes it as a sign to go a little further. He takes a deep breath in through the nose before sinking down, nose almost touching the course hair at the base.

Taeyong’s thighs tense tremendously, the warmth of Jaehyun’s mouth seeps through his body.

Jaehyun hums earning a couple throbs from Taeyong’s cock. He starts bobbing his head shortly after, hollowing his cheeks and letting the vibrations from his voice tear Taeyong apart.

Jaehyun holds out for as long as he can until Taeyong’s moans begin to crack. Then he cracks as well. He hurriedly undoes his own belt, button and zipper. When his hand finally grasps his own erection he moans deeply causing Taeyong to shout his name.

His dominant hand keeps Taeyong pinned while his other sloppily jerks himself off.

Taeyong catches the visual of Jaehyun working himself out and it sends him right over the deep end.

“Jae—hyun _ah ah_ I’m—gonna,” he wants to get Jaehyun off him to be...polite but Jaehyun keeps his lips around him and with another lap at the slit of his cock Jaehyun takes him deep and he comes hard.

Jaehyun finds his own release feeling the orgasm rack through Taeyong’s body. He spills himself against the inside of his boxers. A long shudder courses through his body.

He lets Taeyong’s dick fall from his mouth swallowing his cum. Taeyong’s body falls lax against the door. Jaehyun gets up off his sore knees and pulls Taeyong’s boxers up along the way. The older whines a little at the sensitivity and Jaehyun takes a small step back but Taeyong reaches out with grabby hands.

“Want—want you close,” he says with evident tiredness.

 _Me too,_ Jaehyun mentally cries and he falls like a child into Taeyong’s arms. His head tucked neatly under Taeyong’s chin.

“Next time I...I want to return the favour.”

Jaehyun hadn’t realized that getting himself off would bum Taeyong out. It’s always something he’s done with his clients, unless they found it hot to give Jaehyun a hand.

Jaehyun pulls back and presses a kiss to Taeyong’s lips, “Sorry, next time,” and there’s a giddiness in his chest at the thought of next time.

Taeyong pulls him back in for a languid and sensual kiss, tongues dragging lazily, letting them come down from their highs. Until there’s just simmering fatigue left in their bones.

“God I can’t believe you’re kissing me after I gave you a blow job,” Jaehyun groans a little, “I don’t feel like getting hard again.

“Sorry,” Taeyong chuckles, “I didn’t consider it’d be that hot.”

Jaehyun rests his head tiredly against Taeyong’s shoulder and they stand for a few moments in each other’s embrace.

Tomorrow they will talk. Tomorrow will be another day to worry about Mark. To feel guilty for enjoying some pleasure while he suffers. Tomorrow will be nailing down that job. Tomorrow will be another long, long day.

“Should we clean up and head to bed?”

Jaehyun hums.


	23. W.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING 
> 
> in this chapter one character forces themselves onto another but the act is not fully committed. I have highlighted the area though where the aggression takes place in case readers feel they may be harmed from this. If this is you please skip the paragraphs between the symbols <<00>> please stay safe my intent isn't to harm anyone! <3

“I’m leaving for my interview Jaehyun. Shall I call you when I’m done?” Taeyong flips his tie and slides the knot up. It’s made of shiny black material and came from the depths of Jaehyun’s closet. Jaehyun jokingly stated that it could have been from his middle school graduation but it magically fits Taeyong perfectly. He came to regret that statement immediately.

“Yeah—ugh actually wait, I actually don’t have a working phone right now.”

Taeyong takes a side step out of the bathroom to peer at Jaehyun who is packing his books at the kitchen counter.

“What do you mean? Is it usable at all?”

Jaehyun reflects on the moment when he had swiftly smashed his cell on the solid ground and how all the little pieces had scattered everywhere.

“Ahh—no not really!” His voice breaks into a squeak.

“I see...” Taeyong steps back into the washroom, fingers coming up to style and fix his hair, “I’ll just talk to you when we both come back then.”

“Come back—

“OH CHRIST!” Taeyong jumps, Jaehyun’s uncalled for presence scaring his weak heart. He looks over at Jaehyun in the doorway, hand over chest. “Damn you move quickly. Sorry what were you saying?”

“Come back,” Jaehyun starts again, “When we both comeback _home._ ”

A warmth spreads within Taeyong, “Yes, when we both come back _home._ ”

 

~~

 

The bags under his eyes might be the only off putting thing about his appearance, or maybe he’s wrong.

“Well Mr. Lee, you have all the credentials for this job, which isn’t a lot. I’m sure you know classroom assistants aren’t held in high status so please don’t expect much leeway for anything.”

Taeyong nods his head; the woman’s nails clack against the wooden desk and mimic the clocks’ ticking. Johnny’s cousin had warned him that she was a strong leader, head always held high and her aura just oozed prestige and excellence. So far he’s positive he’s followed through with the pointers he’s been given. Keep eye contact, don’t smile and don’t fidget.

“The person who had recommended you for this job was quite correct about your credentials and they have left quite a remarkable note to summarize your personnel.” The lady puts the papers she’s been holding in one hand flat on the desk and looks up at Taeyong.

Taeyong makes a quick mental note to thank Johnny’s cousin after for the note.

“Do you have any questions for me Mr. Lee?”

Taeyong opens his mouth; he only has one question prepared because he didn’t want to seem nonchalant about this all. “Yes, may ask in case of severe weather how does one know if the school is closed?”

The woman smiles for the first time. Taeyong shudders.

“We call all employees an hour before the day begins which is when we get the statement.”

Taeyong nods again.

The woman falls back into her chair, folding her hands in her lap. “Mr. Lee I don’t like to hire people after the first interview and I as well, very much don’t like promoting our desperation but you are one of three people who came. You’re also the only one who was able to look at me the whole time. If you are willing to say yes, you will start two days from now, Thursday. This way we can put your application through to the board and get you an ID card by Friday. Orientation will be all day Thursday with the classroom you are assigned to.”

Taeyong can’t quite believe his ears and he’s too nervous to speak so he just nods again foolishly.

The lady laughs, “You’ve been wanting this quite badly, I can see.”

Taeyong’s eyes widen his lips part and then he lets out a breathy laugh, “Yes, I was really looking forward to receiving this job.”

“Wonderful, I have to look through our system once more but I’m positive that you will be dealing with our lowest grade, we’ve recently had a large influx of students for this specific level. Will that be suitable?”

“Of course.” Taeyong wants to hug her, he wants to yell, jump and scream.

“Oh and one more thing Mr. Lee, your hair.”

Taeyong pauses in confusion and reaches a hand up to his _white_ strands... _oh._

“It’s just, white isn’t very professional, unless your aging rapidly, I suggest a colour change. Something a little more suitable for your age.”

“Consider it done!”

 

~~

 

The teacher drones on and on. Jaehyun’s ears stay perked. He isn’t going to let his grades fall now. He’ll take the little bits Johnny was able to help him with and use them to his advantage.

When he walked into his homeroom in the morning something in his chest expanded. Like a dam lifting and a steady trickle draining out and removing a burdening mass within his heart. He feels it has something to do with the night he broke down and wept. When he confessed something so deep, something he didn’t think was really bothering him and in hindsight maybe it really wasn’t. Maybe this wasn’t a thing he wanted to work at originally. What he does know now is that when Taeyong came stumbling into his life he’s wanted to turn himself around. Months ago he would have thought silly of this, how could someone change just for a single person?

_How could they?_

That question was only ever there because of the absence of love.

Love changes. Jaehyun found that out very, very quickly. It wasn’t with himself first. No, he got his answer from watching Taeyong and Mark, specifically their interactions. It was how Taeyong would do a three sixty when Mark’s name was uttered. It was when Mark displayed his little actions of affection. That’s when Jaehyun knew that love did something funny and yes it could be a bad thing at times but it wasn’t something to always fear.

Jaehyun wants to graduate. Not just for Taeyong but for himself. Yes, part of it is so he can be a great person for Taeyong but he also wants the assurance that he really can do something. A little motivation from this new emotion to keep him on track is nothing to be ashamed of. His only regret is that he couldn’t feel his mother’s love from way back then because he’s doing it for her know too.

He keeps his eyes on the board. He’s a bit of a slow learner but he makes up for it by listening to the teacher and looking at the visuals. He isn’t a strong reader either so this is how he roles. You play with the hand you are dealt because society doesn’t offer a re-deal.

 

~~

 

“Johnny?”

“Hey Taeyong what’s up!?”

“Johnny I did it...I got the job!”

The line goes silent and Taeyong thinks Johnny has hung up on him and then hears some fumbling and crackling on the other line.

“Holy fuck! I dropped my phone, holy shit- no mom this is swear worthy- sorry tae one second- yes he got the job mom-okay anyway, hey don’t laugh!”

Taeyong can’t stop giggling _ah there are things that never really do change aren’t there?_

“I’m so proud of you.”

“You always have been,” Taeyong finds he’s getting choked up and annoyed he isn’t over all of these emotions, “thank you Johnny, you always have been.”

“You know whose gonna be even prouder Tae? Mark, he’s going to be so fucking proud, if he could see his big brother right now. You know he’d ecstatic.”

“Yes, oh my god you idiot don’t make me cry, I’m tired of doing that.” Taeyong wipes under his eyes with his sleeve but he’s smiling brightly. “When do you think you’ll be moving back closer to town?”

Johnny hums, “My counsellor got me another three weeks of paid leave from the office so I’ll be heading back in a month I’d say. Things have calmed down in the last two weeks thankfully.”

“That’s good.” _That’s a relief._

 

~~

 

It’s finally the end of the day. Jaehyun stuffs his scarf in his bag. Warmer weather has been approaching and now the sun has mostly melted the entirety of what was left of the snow. His books follow shortly after and then his pencil case before zipping it up.

The perk of having zero friends is that no one holds you up when the final bell rings. Jaehyun can take the stairs down and pounce out the door without much fanfare.

He’s taking his usual route out of the building and he ends up at the main gates where a sudden hand grips tightly around his arm. He yelps at the shock of it all but is immediately hushed. He would never admit it but quite frankly he’s a little scared.

It takes him a moment to adjust to the situation as he’s being dragged away from the school. The man dragging him is acting as casual as possible as to not make a scene in front of the other students leaving. Jaehyun finally gets the guys face and he recognizes it as one of his clients.

His adrenaline instantly kicks in and he tugs away but the iron grip on him jostles him around and his head just scrapes the brick fence out skirting the school nicking him above the brow. He hisses and then falls painfully back to man’s side.

“Now now, don’t be that way.” The man says sternly.

Jaehyun swallows and continues to be manhandled down the sidewalk.

“Why haven’t you been answering my texts hmm?” The man asks after they finally break free from the school area. 

“Broke phone.” Jaehyun mutters looking away from him.

Of course Jaehyun had been worried about an event like this happening. He knew it _was_ going to eventually happen. He just didn’t know which client. What he did know was that three out of the five were push overs and wouldn’t come crawling for him. It was a guessing game with the other two. He ruled out one though because he was strictly dominant when he had Jaehyun. If he had wanted Jaehyun he would have him at any cost. It seems he wasn’t one for chasing a lost cause though. Which left one headstrong client, he obviously preferred regulars over immediate gratification.

“Broke phone eh? Sounds truthful but it doesn’t deter from the fact I’ve wanted you for a while now. Oh and believe me, it was quite a painful and disappointing wait. This anger has been seething for some time now.” There’s an unsettling lilt in the man’s voice

Jaehyun shudders and he closes his eyes tightly letting himself be guided. He wracks his brain for a plain on how to get himself out of this twist.

After what feels like three blocks of walking they end up at the clients’ house. Jaehyun gets steered in through the front door and then tossed down hard onto the couch.

 

<<00>>

 

“Wait, please.” Jaehyun tries to reason politely.

The client isn’t having any of it as he begins tearing off his upper body garments. He straddles Jaehyun, whose laying flat and stiff on the dingy cushions.

“Wait—

He tries again but it’s futile. His heart is picking up speed. His eyes are glossing over. _Dirty, dirty, dirty, I’m going to be dirty for Taeyong. No no no!_ His mind is screaming and his stomach is reeling at the thought of letting himself be fucked by this man. He doesn’t want it; he doesn’t want to be touched by hands that aren’t Taeyong’s. He’s panicking. He hates himself for believing this life was gonna be all over with smash of his phone. That magically he wouldn’t need the money, clients wouldn’t look for him and he’d go clean for Taeyong.

It doesn’t matter if Taeyong still loves him all the same. Jaehyun can’t live with himself if this happens.

The man rips at the black buttons of Jaehyun’s yellow uniform jacket. Jaehyun cries out hoarsely. His hands come up to try and pry the man’s arms away from him. His body thrashes underneath him. His jacket flies open and an elbow knocks hard against Jaehyun’s mouth silencing him momentarily. The man’s hands slide down to his belt working it open.

Jaehyun screams. Eyes closed. A tear of frustration rolls down his cheek. He screams Taeyong’s name.

Then everything stops. The fingers picking at his belt let go.

 

<<00>>

 

“What the fuck are you doing kid?” The man says quietly.

Jaehyun covers his face with his hands, “Please...”

“Go and don’t come back, I’m not looking for this much trouble.” The man gets off of Jaehyun and walks away to somewhere else in the house.

Jaehyun rushes to grab his backpack that was tossed aside upon entrance then dashes out the front door. He counts his lucky starts because client number three let him go based off the only fact that if Jaehyun had called the cops, a homosexual scandal wouldn’t do well for this guy’s employment.

He stops running when he knows he is out of absolute reach from that man. Then his speed decreases immensely. His belt is still undone and his jacket is an open mess. A lady pushing her stroller stares at him in fear as he walks by. It’s a reminder of his forehead cut and now busted lip. _I’m such a fucking waste, a degenerate human being._

 

~~

 

Taeyong is on his way home. He picked up takeout from an old favourite of Johnny and his from high school. It’s owned by a student’s uncle so they would always get great discounts. Now not so much but it has fond memories. It was always one of Mark’s favourite places as well.

He hums happily. He hasn’t felt this good in a long while. He’s happy with the progress he’s made. He’ll give himself this much right now. He can’t spend all his time beating himself up over Mark right now, that’ll hinder his will to getting better and succeeding.

He approaches the complex and thinks about how excited he is to tell Jaehyun all about his success. He wants to share everything, how he was so scared and how he managed to pull it all off. He’s excited that someone other than Johnny may be really proud of him.

He’s so distracted in his thoughts that he doesn’t recognize Jaehyun’s figure until he’s twenty feet away from him. Then he runs. He runs towards the younger, calling out his name cheerfully, only stopping when the purple and red becomes apparent. Then his bright face falls.

“Jaehyun?”

“Taeyong,” Jaehyun croaks out.

Taeyong drops the takeout and meets Jaehyun the rest of the way. He grabs the younger’s arms in a panic. “Jaehyun what happened, what’s wrong?”

The boy is quivering in his hold so Taeyong loosens his grip.

“Hyung,” he whines voice cracking.

Taeyong’s eyes widen because the formality is uncalled for and he’s confused.

“Hyung I’m so sorry.” Jaehyun’s voice almost disappears.

“Hyunnie what did you do, tell me its okay. Look at me Jaehyun,” Taeyong breathes frantically.

“He touched me, god I’m so sorry, he he—

“Breathe Jaehyun,” Taeyong rubs the younger’s arms up and down trying to edge him on as calmly as he can, “you can tell me.”

“One of my—one of my clients, he almost—he almost,” and Jaehyun can’t continue a dry sob crawls out of his throat.

Taeyong takes the boy fully into his arms, “Oh my God Jaehyun this isn’t your fall,” Taeyong rocks him back and forth, “none of this is your fault,” he whispers.

“Hyung I’m so sorry, I didn’t want it, I didn’t want him,” Jaehyun cries into his shoulder. “He let me go, hyung I’m so sorry.”

“Jaehyun please stop apologizing,” Taeyong breathes out, “I love you, I understand.” Taeyong’s heart hurts. His chest is swallowed in a throbbing ache. The sight of Jaehyun being so mortified, so scared of receiving no forgiveness. The formalities slash a sizzling scar into him. He doesn’t want them he doesn’t need them ever.

He rubs softly at the younger’s back, Jaehyun’s cries falling into little hiccups.

“Let’s go inside baby,” Taeyong doesn’t notice the slip of endearment off his tongue he just busies himself with gathering Jaehyun (and the takeout) in his arms.

He guides Jaehyun carefully in through the entrance and hopes the boy doesn’t see where he leads him to. If he does notice, he doesn’t say anything when Taeyong knocks upon Aunty’s door.

After the echoed sounds of shuffling and a grunt the door opens wide.

“Hi Aunty.” Taeyong tires with a weak smile.

The small woman looks at Taeyong then at Jaehyun, her eyes wide and mouth agape.

“Come in.” She whispers.

Taeyong places Jaehyun down at one of the seats at her kitchen table. The lady moves quickly to find her rubbing alcohol and bandages. She comes back ready. Taeyong seats himself beside Jaehyun, who isn’t saying anything. So he grabs the younger’s hand and gives it a light squeeze. Taeyong is reassured when he gets a light squeeze back.

Jaehyun’s eyes stay fixed on the floor as the woman cleans his cut and lip.

“Jaehyun-ah—

“Don’t,” Jaehyun is quick to cut her off, his eyes finally meeting hers but his gaze is cold. The woman almost shies away and Taeyong marvels at a sight he never thought he’d see.

“Please Jaehyun-ah I only want to apologize,” She tries again reaching for Jaehyun’s empty hand.

Taeyong sees Jaehyun try to resist so he whispers his name rubbing the back of his hand with his thumb in soothing circles. “Let her speak, she cleaned your wounds.”

Jaehyun sighs, his shoulders deflating.

Taeyong doesn’t know what the falling out consisted of but he’s never seen Jaehyun so distant and frightening. He doesn’t hesitate to tell Jaehyun. “You’re scaring us Jaehyun.”

With that Jaehyun’s eyes widen, glossy and concerned. He looks at Taeyong then back to the aunty. “I’m sorry,” he says weakly.

“ _Shh_ it’s okay just hear her out okay. I’ll give you space, I won’t go far.” Taeyong leaves when Jaehyun finally nods in understanding. He makes his way down the hall he came in from. The apartment is identical to Jaehyun’s so he simply waits around the entrance of the bathroom. It’s far enough for privacy and close enough to be able to step in if something happens.

It takes a moment and he hears the lid of the alcohol bottle getting screwed back on before the woman speaks.

“Jaehyun-ah can I tell you a story?”

He doesn’t hear Jaehyun but he assumes he’s nodded because the woman continues.

“When I was working in the children’s ward years ago, I had also picked up some night shifts in the palliative care unit. I was short on money at that time so I needed the extra work. I found those shifts a lot more bearable than working with ill children. Most of the residents were seniors who had lived long and fulfilling lives. It wasn’t too hard on the heart to work there.”

Taeyong hears the pause and he hears the woman take what was probably his now vacant seat before continuing.

“I thought all would be fine until one day there was a patient transfer. She came from intensive care directly to this ward. I was asked one day to take care of her linen and when I had seen her for the first time something in my chest had cracked. She was so young, so young and frail.”

Taeyong breathes in, his heart thumping in his chest. The quiver in her voice brings upon a somber mood.

“I walked in a little closer and it was then that I noticed a little lump on the other side of her.  When I was right next to the bed I could see that the little lump was a boy with messy brown curls. He was tucked neatly against her hip sleeping peacefully. The woman had looked so content with that child; she smiled so endearingly at him. I found myself smiling as well. I remember clearly too, she turned to me and spoke so softly telling me how good her little boy was.”

There’s a hitch in her voice, Taeyong clenches his hands into fists.

“It was funny. When I left after that I found myself feeling so angry. I was so angry that this woman was going to die and leave her little boy behind. I was seething because I never got to parent my own son. I was jealous she had gotten this long with her own and resented that she wouldn’t get more. I thought that her son should have been mine, and then life would have been a lot better for all of us. It was a sick wish.”

Taeyong fights the urge to go back into the room but he doesn’t know if he could break through the atmosphere that’s been created anyway.

“It wasn’t until she was on her last legs that she pulled me aside one day. I can never forget how she broke down and held my hand begging me to take care of her baby. She sobbed and told me he’d have nothing left, that her husband wouldn’t be able to make up for the loss. She made me promise that I’d watch over her little boy. I couldn’t bring myself to deny her request.”

A sob breaks out and then silence builds like in an action movie before the final blow hits.

“Jaehyun, every day I look at you then I look up at the sky and ask her ‘am I doing this right?’”

A wretched sob falls from Jaehyun. Taeyong can’t bring himself to wait any longer so he walks back into the room quietly. He’s greeted with the sight of Jaehyun who has fallen to his knees at the woman’s feet with his head in her lap and his arms around her waist. She has one had rested on his back while the other wipes at her own tears.

Jaehyun cries and cries, wailing into her thighs.

Taeyong smiles sadly. He still keeps his distance all he wants is for them to know he’s there for them. He watches the woman run a hand through Jaehyun’s mop of hair trying to calm him down.

She whispers under her breath little terms of endearment and of how sorry she is. She apologizes for not being able to raise him like his mother would have wanted. She’s sorry for not showing her love or for not telling him sooner. Jaehyun shakes his head in denial of her fear of failure as he mutters his own apologies.

In closure she cups Jaehyun’s face and guides him up to look at her and says with such contentment, “I love you.”

Jaehyun crumples again under her words, tears streaming down his cheeks, “I love you too,” he sobs.

The atmosphere mellows and Taeyong finally breathes. He looks at the aunty and sees a woman who was so desperate to have her own child that she couldn’t get over the grief that the one that she ended up with wasn’t of her blood. He sees her now as a woman with a glowing heart, open to forgiveness, willing to be the mother she was trying to be all those years.

He sees reconciliation.

He looks at Jaehyun and sees a wandering little boy, motherless but wise. He sees how that little boy was shaped by the woman holding him and now he sees a young man.  A young man that isn’t closed off or sarcastic, a young man that’s been touched with the love he’s yearned for.

He sees a somebody.


	24. X.

Somehow Taeyong always feels like the next downward spiral begins with a calm morning. He’d rather assume that this is simply superstition peeling at his skin though.

Last night Jaehyun hadn’t quite fallen asleep but Taeyong found himself carrying a limp body back up to their room. He had regretfully pulled Jaehyun up from the heap he was in on Aunty’s lap in order to bring him up to his bed. By the time the boys reached their door Jaehyun’s body was on automatic and he swiftly dove into his bed, school uniform on and everything.

Taeyong put the take out in the fridge, something for them to eat in the morning instead. He undressed and brushed his teeth before curling into bed next to Jaehyun. He had brushed some of the curls away from the younger’s forehead so he could study his puffy eyes and pouty lips. He caressed Jaehyun’s cheek with the back of his hand and whispered a quiet “sleep well.”

In the dark of that room Taeyong felt himself being swallowed by torturing thoughts that even Jaehyun’s heavenly presence couldn’t fend off. It had been months with Jaehyun and months without Mark. Something ugly and unpleasant was telling Taeyong that he was once again always and forever a horrid elder brother. _I have a job, I have a plan but it’s not enough, I’ll never be enough._

Nothing is going fast enough and Taeyong can’t handle the fact that life is just simply this way. He _wants_ to do more but he doesn’t know what _else_ he can do. The only thing left is to let time play out but that’s like watching paint dry for him. It’s too long, time wasting and consuming.

He felt his throat constrict at the fault of his racing mind. There was nothing to do to ease his mind because he just couldn’t convince himself that he is on the right track. So he let himself fall a little, lets his voice come out in frantic whispers. “I need to see Mark, I need to see him,” he huffed out like a broken record.

His words went unheard and mingled with Jaehyun’s laboured breathing to the left of him.

 

~~

 

Mark opens his school agenda, the teacher asked the class to write down that they’d be accepting donations all of next week. Something for a local charity and the teacher was hoping the kids could each bring in a little for the cause.

He opens to today’s date and scrawls down his memo then flips to the very back of the book. On the blank pages which are now almost covered with thick dark tally lines he draws another. _It won’t be much longer._

“What’s that Mark?”

Mark snaps his agenda closed, “Oh it’s nothing Donghyuck.”

The younger boy just nods but the frown on his face suggests he’s thinking that Mark might not be telling the truth again. Mark mentally apologizes, he hates doing this to Donghyuck. He knows the other one won’t bug him about it but it’s cruel always playing a bluff on Donghyuck who honestly can’t pick up on a lot of cues.

“Mark you can always talk to me though. I know I’m not the best but—

“—It’s okay Hyuck, I’m really okay, thank you.”

Donghyuck nods again but his frown stays on his face. It’s unusual; he usually falls back into his bubbly self after confirming with Mark.

Mark rethinks everything he had planned to not tell Donghyuck. He’s letting down the one person who is going above and beyond their current capabilities to try and understand him. He hasn’t given Donghyuck credit for much and he only has himself to blame for assuming Donghyuck wouldn’t be able to understand anything if he told him. The younger has feelings too, sympathy and empathy included.

Mark chews on his bottom lip; he’s been a bit of terrible friend.

 

~~

 

Jaehyun doesn’t talk the morning after. Taeyong doesn’t push him to speak. There isn’t much Taeyong can say right now that could ease the confusion and pain swimming in Jaehyun’s heart and mind. So instead he does little things just to let him know he’s there.

When Jaehyun returns from school Taeyong makes sure to snuggle up against him while he’s doing assignments and class work. He only parts to reheat the take out he got last night.

Jaehyun’s too lost in whatever he’s doing to feed himself so Taeyong gently pries the textbook from his fingers. It earns him a slight scowl but Jaehyun really needs to eat. Taeyong prods at the younger one’s lips with the tip of his chopsticks causing the annoyance to fall from Jaehyun’s face. He gives in and takes the offered food into his mouth.

Taeyong offers the last bit of takeout to Jaehyun before getting up to clean the trays.

“Where was the food from?”

Taeyong startles at the question being it the first time Jaehyun’s opened his mouth to speak all day.

“Just a place I visited during high school with Johnny. Did you like it?”

“It was good, really good.”

“Well it was a cause for celebration last night but the party I was planning got er...a little held up you could say.”

Jaehyun tilts his head in confusion, “Celebration?”

Taeyong hums as he cleans out the trays, “I got the job!”

Silence fills the space and Taeyong turns the tap off. He’s startled over no response to his success.

Jaehyun gets up slowly from the couch and walks towards Taeyong. Taeyong drops what he’s cleaning back into the sink and is spun around gently. Jaehyun pulls him carefully into his arms and holds him. Taeyong melts into the taller and closes his eyes. Relief fills his chest.

“I’m so proud of you.”

 

~~

 

“Do you want to talk about anything?”

Jaehyun shakes his head no.

“That’s okay, how are you feeling right now though?”

Jaehyun sighs and pulls the covers over his shoulder. “After the scare yesterday with that guy I still feel on edge and with everything else it feels like my brain can’t store anything else. Like its filled to the brim and stretching out like a thinning elastic band.”

Taeyong runs a hand through Jaehyun’s curls nodding in understanding. “I know it’s hard to talk right now and I won’t force you but I do want you to know that it isn’t good to keep it in forever. I’m sure you already know that. So I just want you to know that I’m here whenever you want to open up.”

Jaehyun simply lets out a quiet _okay_ in response.

That’s the last whisper Taeyong gets before the quiet of night sweeps over. Minutes pass and he tosses and turns. He thinks about how they could grow apart if Jaehyun never opens up and it scares him. It’s so irrational to worry about something like this right now and he should just tell Jaehyun if it bothers him so much. The problem is there’s always the other side of the argument and that is, that Jaehyun still deserves privacy.

Finally his brain hits a dead end and he can’t possibly think about anything else, he’s so close to crashing.

“WAIT OH FUCK!”

Taeyong bolts up and his outburst startles Jaehyun awake.

“What’s wrong!?”

“My hair!”

 

~~

 

It’s almost one in the morning and they’re standing in a twenty-four hour convenience picking from the cheapest selection of hair dye.

“I mean all that matters is my hair is black for the first day, I can get better stuff later.”

“Alrighty,” Jaehyun picks up a box that’s shamelessly decorated in Halloween promotion, “will this do?”

Taeyong cringes, “Yeah,” because they’re fucking tired and honestly you can’t beat the price. So he spends the dwindling amount of change he has left on some cheap hair dye so he can work for a more expensive brand.

“Will you help me with it when we get home?”

“Of course,” Jaehyun laughs a little.

Taeyong smiles and takes the younger’s hand in his. Its dark out, no one can see them so Jaehyun pulls Taeyong just a little bit closer on the walk home.

When they step in through the door Taeyong rips his coat and shirt off while swerving into the bathroom.

“There are instructions in the box, we’re lucky that my roots are pretty much all black. We just need to get the majority of the white covered up.”

“Gotcha,” Jaehyun tears open the packaging, “no gloves in here? This is gonna be hardcore as fuck Tae, my hands are gonna look like asphalt!”

“Pleaseeeeee,” Taeyong whines.

“Yeah yeah, I wasn’t saying I wasn’t gonna do it.” Jaehyun pokes Taeyong’s cheek to stop him from pouting.

The younger gets the job done. Taeyong’s hair is rinsed and partially dried. He has a full mop of black hair. Taeyong mentions that he could have a calling for hairdressing, to which Jaehyun laughs and smacks Taeyong’s back with his dirty palm.

Taeyong glances over his shoulder to look at the hand print in the mirror. “Jesus Christ Jae, if someone sees this they’ll think I have some weird paint kink or something.”

“ _Mmmm_ but I’m the only one allowed to see it.” Jaehyun takes Taeyong’s chin in his hand, which is washed and just stained now. Tilting his face up, he leaves a quick peck on his lips, “Everyone else can have little pieces of you but for me, I want all of you.” He brings their lips together again with more heat and a shiver runs through the older.

Jaehyun pulls back and Taeyong chases until he’s stilled by the younger one’s firm grip. The pout comes back.

“It’s late, you have work and it’s time to sleep.” Jaehyun leaves one last peck on Taeyong’s forehead and leaves the older one standing alone in the bathroom.

“Huh! HEY! Jae—HYUN HEY,” Taeyong darts out after him, closing the lights on his way out, “you can’t just say shit like that and disappear! Hey!”

Jaehyun’s laughing like an idiot and it irritates Taeyong to no extent. The younger crawls into bed while Taeyong stands at the end of the bed with his arms crossed.

The moon light seeping in through the curtains touches Taeyong’s face, without his glowing strands of white his eyes begin to pop. His mop of noir blends in with the murky night and the highlight on his lower lip glistens.

“Come here.” Jaehyun beckons with a whisper.

Taeyong’s annoyance falters and his features soften. He climbs into bed on Jaehyun’s side, lying down lightly on top of him so he can bury his head in the younger’s chest.

The dampness of Taeyong’s locks sends a shudder through Jaehyun and cools his heating face.

The rise and fall of their chests lull one another to sleep.

 

~~

 

Taeyong loves his job. He loves kids. They remind him of Mark and that may be the only vice of this opportunity. Every day and every living second he spends in the building consumes him with the knowing thoughts of Mark.

The only thing that keeps Taeyong on his feet and coping is the fact that this job is _for_ Mark and their future life together.

It’s not always so gloomy though and Taeyong’s hard work has led him into an extended offer. All of his efforts ended him up in the main office as he was the first staff member to be offered an extra opportunity for overtime. So now he stays an hour after school closing to watch over students from different schools. Most kids are live in the area and need a place to stay until their guardian can come and get them from work. Taeyong assists with their homework and assignments until one by one they’re all picked up.

He has a favourite kid too. His doesn’t know his name still but that’s a work in progress and while his intelligence is intriguing his unclassified social disabilities are the most charming aspects of him.

The first time Taeyong approached him was only the second day of his extended job. He had taken quick notice the other children refused to sit with the little boy. He assumed it was because none of them knew him or he was just terribly shy.

Taeyong had placed a kind hand on the younger one’s shoulder but that caused for immediate problem. The smaller one hurriedly crumpled away from his touch shaking his head. He had let go quickly and apologized to the younger. He could hear some of the older kids snickering from behind him and the distress on the kid’s face was worsening. So he calmly pulled a chair up beside the boy asking if he could sit there. When he was granted permission he asked the little one about the book he was reading. From there it was a full three sixty, he was ecstatic to share with the other.

Ever since the two have pretty much been inseparable. Today is no different.

“Hyung,” The little one greets shyly.

“Hi buddy!”

The kid comes bounding forward, knapsack in tow to give a quick high five. That’s been their biggest accomplishment this month. Taeyong hopes one day he’ll get a leg hug but he’ll never be disappointed if doesn’t.

“How was class today?” Taeyong asks while he pulls a chair up beside the younger.

“It was okay!” He quips back with a smile on his face.

Taeyong tilts his header in wonder, “Just...okay?” Usually the smaller says school was great or if it was a bad day he’d say it right up front. He’s never said _okay_ before.

“ _Mmhmm_!” The little boy responds pulling some crayons out of his pencil case.

“And why is that?”

“Classes were very fun today but my best friend, they were really sad today.” He starts working on a blank piece of paper with what mostly look like scribbles.

“Sorry to hear about your friend,” Taeyong starts, “Do you know why they were sad today?”

“They won’t tell me! They’re really really nice but I think they think I can’t help.”

Taeyong’s eyebrows furrow, now concentrated one hundred percent on everything the little one has to offer up. “And why is that?”

“Well for starters, sometimes up here,” the boy taps on his forehead with his index finger, “doesn’t always get what’s goin on here,” he moves his index to tap over his heart. “At least that’s what my momma tells me.

“Well I don’t quite believe that, I think you know a lot more about what goes on in here,” Taeyong points to his own heart, “than everyone thinks.”

The little one grins, “I think so too!”

Taeyong chuckles lightly at his enthusiasm.

“My friend calls me Hyuck, I’d like it if you called me that too.”

Taeyong’s smile broadens at the exchange, “Of course, Hyuck!”

A few moments go by of silent colouring and a couple kids coming up to Taeyong for homework help.

Once everyone is settled again Hyuck softly speaks up, “I can see the burn marks on his wrist, he thinks I can’t see them but I know it’s bad. He always hides it n’stuff. He doesn’t have to tell me but someone would be good. I don’t like when he’s sad, it makes me feel not so good.”

Taeyong’s eyes darken, “Hyuck?”

“Yes hyung?”

“Burn marks?”

“Yes, I don’t think his momma and pa are very nice. He has a friendly older brother, you look like him but he has white hair not black!” Hyuck puts his crayons away neatly. “This is a gift I’ll give him tomorrow!”

Taeyong takes the drawing into his hands, his eyes scan it frantically. He feels acidity in the back of his throat.

The little one, oblivious to the graveness in Taeyong’s aura pipes up again, “I’m the one on the right I drew Mark hyung on the left. Do you think it’ll cheer him up?”


	25. Y.

“I need to see Mark, I need to see him!”  Taeyong’s breathing is quick. Jaehyun struggles to actually catch onto what Taeyong half is screaming, half mumbling.

Taeyong collapses completely into Jaehyun’s arms, out like a light. The taller almost stumbles down with the other, not prepared for the abrupt faint. He holds Taeyong up and gets a better hold on him so he can transfer him to the bed. He lays the older down and presses the back of his hand against Taeyong’s forehead.  _ No fever? What was he saying anyway? _

With Taeyong completely conked out, Jaehyun wanders off to shut the front door. It was left open due to the short lived mess that had just unfolded.

He tries not to fret over Taeyong since he has studying to do. He cracks open one of his text books, early prepping for exams coming up in two weeks. He’s nervous but he has confidence that this time around he’ll score high. He begins reading and reading...and reading until he’s literally read the same sentence over and over again.  _ I can’t do this. Not right now at least. _

Jaehyun shuffles back into the bedroom. His eyes settle on Taeyong’s sleeping form and he caves. He gets himself ready for bed, crawling in once he’s done.

Taeyong shifts a little and Jaehyun tenses, afraid to wake him. When the older stills again, Jaehyun scoots closer slinging an arm over Taeyong’s middle and holds him close.

~~

“I need to see Mark.”

Jaehyun turns away from the coffee pot. Taeyong has his face down, staring at his plate intently.

“I need to see him so badly,” he speaks again.

Jaehyun takes the seat beside Taeyong at the counter. “Has Johnny said anything?”

Taeyong huffs and burrows in on himself, “That doesn’t matter, I need to see Mark.”

Jaehyun feels a little taken aback. “You will soon Taeyong, it won’t be that much longer—

“That’s not what I mean Jaehyun!” Taeyong cries, his head raises a tear blinks from his eye. “They’re hurting him Jaehyun, they’re hurting my baby brother!” Taeyong crumples, head in hands.  

Taeyong is beyond being able to be comforted by words. Jaehyun sighs, unsure of what to do to ease any of the pain in the other’s chest. The only thing he can do is place a gentle kiss on the top of Taeyong’s head and let Taeyong grip tightly onto his shirt.

~~

“We're here.” Jaehyun presses on the metal gate, it swings open with a long squeak.

“A cemetery?” Taeyong looks around the place, the lawn is yellow from winter but the grounds still look maintained.

Jaehyun guides them along, holding Taeyong’s hand in his own. They weave past a few headstones until they reach one that’s just short of the back fence. Jaehyun kneels in prayer.

Taeyong falls to his knees slower so he can read the grave in front of him, “Jung...Jung...

It clicks with him after a moment, that it’s Jaehyun’s mother’s final resting place. 

“Jaehyun, I...I

“It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything,” Jaehyun whispers and pulls Taeyong’s hand into his own, “I just wanted her to meet you.”

Taeyong swallows the growing lump in his throat and nods. He brings his eyes back upon the grave before him and closes them to pray. He’s not sure if he believes in God but he does believe that there has to be something beyond him out there, guiding...watching. He says one quick prayer of peace but feels incomplete with leaving it at just that.  _ I don’t know what to say, how can I greet you properly? How can I thank you correctly for giving your son to this world when I’ve just met you, how? How do I tell you that I love your son so dearly and how could I ever say that I wish you were here to greet us both with your physical presence?  _

Taeyong opens his eyes and feels a tear drip onto his cheek. Jaehyun laughs softly beside him and wipes it away.

“You don’t have to cry Tae, she’s happy to meet you.”

Taeyong just nods again with a smile because he knows. When he had opened his eyes his heart had felt full, he felt welcomed.

Jaehyun rustles beside him and rises to his feet, pulling Taeyong up as well with their attached hands.

“I have more I need to say.” Jaehyun says curtly.

Taeyong notes the somber expression on the younger’s face become one of nervousness, maybe fear. They walk towards the entrance gate, there’s a small bench parked just outside of the cemetery. Jaehyun guides him over to take a seat. A cool breeze skirts over the world when they become still. 

“I stoped paying off my dad’s debt.” Jaehyun begins . Taeyong gives his hand a gentle squeeze to encourage him. “I’ve basically left him for dead and god it feels so terribly sick of me to say but when I walked out of his apartment the first thing I felt was relief.” Jaehyun gathers a new breath before continuing. “I became so angry at myself that I could just, be okay with it all. How could I not have the heart to feel immensely guilty?”

“Jaehyun, you supported his life for forever that you weren’t even living your own. I don’t say that with a biased heart but the way you feel, has nothing to do with your morals. Jaehyun you deserve a life.”

“But...he was my...father.” Jaehyun’s eyebrows furrow and his eyes glass over.

“For how long?” Taeyong asks, voice hushed.

“What do you mean?”

“How long was he really a father to you Jaehyun?”

It opens the doors and Jaehyun lets himself fall a little, his tears spill, one, two, three. Taeyong wipes them away with his sleeve and runs a hand through Jaehyun’s messy hair. 

“It’s okay, let it all out.”

~~

 

They're getting ready for bed when it happens, the phone call comes. Taeyong picks it up.

 

"Johnny!"

 

"Yeah it's me."

"God it's been forever, what's going on?"

"I know sorry sorry, it's been hell at the office but Taeyong listen, are you sitting down?"

"Yes? I'm on my bed, Johnny what's going on?"

"Taeyong we have the court date, the paper work for the judge is done. I've got the witnesses reports."

"Johnny-

"I know, just take a breath, we're almost there."

 

~~

 

"We're fucking idiots for doing this."

"So be it," Jaehyun smiles, "I've always been an idiot, this isn't knew to me." 

Taeyong just huffs, "Whatever, now give me a push up."

Jaehyun brings his hands together and lets Taeyong step into it before he boosts him. Taeyong scrambles up the shingled roof. It feels so familiar, the cold scratchy surface under the palms of his hands, the chill of the night and the pale white of the curtains covering the bedroom window. Jaehyun makes his way up behind him.

"What are you waiting for, knock, he's dying to see you."

So Taeyong does, he taps on the window three times and waits for a response. It takes fourteen heart pounding seconds. Taeyong counts each one of them out. Then the curtain sways and Taeyong's looking into the moon reflecting orbs of the most precious person in his entire life.

His name rolls of his tongue so quietly that the night consumes it whole.

"Mark."

Then there's a frenzy. Mark's small fingers pick at the windows temporary locks, swinging it open with only a small bit of hassle. He jumps right up onto the ledge and flings himself at Taeoyng because it's been too long, way too long.

"Hyung!" He cries out stuffing his face into Taeyong's shoulder.

Taeyong wraps one arm tightly around him and holds onto the ledge of the window with his other. He feels frozen, everything has become so surreal, Mark is in his arms, even if it's just temporary, the heat of his body fills his heart with hope. He cries tears of joy and relief because soon this will be a permanent feeling.

Mark hiccups, he shifts around and his eyes land on, "Jae hyung."

"Yeah I'm here too." Jaehyun leans forward and presses a kiss to Mark's forehead. "We're all here."

Mark's sighs and melts into Taeyong, body going lithe.

"The pain will go away soon." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic will be finished, that I can promise. Could be tomorrow, could be in three days, could be a week but it will conclude. Your feedback and love is much appreciated.


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